Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
I have heard this song a million times but never has it hit me the way it did this morning. I was standing at my bus stop, listening to my ipod. I was wondering how long the depression would stay this time. The very moment I lit up my morning cigarette, Sarah McLachlan started crooning in my ear. The feeling that swept over me should have made me drop my cigarette on the ground; it should have made me drop to my knees. It was like there was a war going on inside me. Dark VS. Light and the dark won but not before I was filled with a bit of hope and the strength I had been praying for to keep going. The song sounded different then any time I had ever heard it before. It felt like I was listening to it for the first time. So many thoughts came pouring into my head. Thoughts that were welcome in place of what I was thinking before, confusing but welcome all the same. I had about 3 hours of school to work everything out in my head and hopefully relay to you what I felt in the lyrics of this song. I will try to break this up in the order that the messages hit me.
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
Anyone who has lived at all can relate to those first three lines. Everyone wants a second chance or even a third or fourth. To me it really does seem like I spend all of my time waiting for a new start. Any free time that I have usually turns into time I spend lost inside my thoughts. I daydream a lot, Mostly as the song says about getting a break that would make everything I have been through worth it. I suppose to some of you that break appears to be the simple answer “When you enter the kingdom anything that happened in your earthly life will be forgotten and washed away." But I know there are some of you who think the way I do "I know the kingdom will be amazing but why can't I have peace of mind right now...at least for a little while." I get frustrated with myself all of the time because I know that I should be able to find peace and reassurance in the love of the father but sometimes, especially when I feel like this, I just can’t. No matter what I do the scriptures just go in one ear and out the other. I suppose that is why these messages came to me through music this morning. Who knows me better then God? He knows that music speaks to me more than words ever could.
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
That is so very true. It doesn’t matter how great or perfect your life is. We all have things that eat at us. It always seems that even if it is just one thing, if the enemy chooses, he will take the grain of sand that is our problem and turn it into a mountain that seems impossible to move.
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
How many of us try to busy ourselves to take our mind off of our problems? I know I do it all the time. If I feel the depression coming I will do everything I can to hold it off. I will clean every inch of the house, do my homework, or make myself go to sleep so I don’t have to think. Maybe for some people that helps, but I wonder now if distracting yourself from your feelings is the best thing to do. I mean sure it helps for a little while but what do you have when there is nothing left to distract you? You have a clean house an A in your algebra class but you are also stuck with yourself and your neglected feelings. Eventually you have to deal with what it is that is making you feel down. Usually, at least in my case, it is the memories. Whether they are of things you have done or things left unsaid. Memories can be your worst enemy. I think sometimes or even most of the time it would be better to just take the time to deal with whatever your demons are. I know it’s easier said then done but think of the consequences of waiting. I can think of a million things that would have stayed a grain of sand if I had just dealt with them when they happened, but I didn’t and now I have my own personal mountain range.
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
When you feel like I do at this moment (trapped, depressed, angry, and cynical) then you also probably wish you were numb. It seems like it would be easier to just be empty of feeling rather than deal with this overload of emotion. It would be nice not to think or feel, at least long enough to get some rest. Well It’s not easier, trust me but that is an argument for another time. Numbness, emptiness will bring you anything but peace. Some people, myself being one of them, have turned to alcohol, drugs and other things to bring on that emptiness that is the imposter of peace. However, when you wake up or sober up you are still left with the same problems and depending on what you have done you probably have some added problems.
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
To me “In the arms of an angel, fly away from here,” Gave me a message that flowed through my very being. The message being "No matter what is going on in your life the only thing that will give you true peace of any kind is to make yourself rest in the arms of an angel (God).” Now I am sure when Sarah was speaking of “Cold dark hotel rooms” that she meant just that, but to me it meant something a bit different. When I heard that line I started to relate it to the dark corners of my mind. We have that uncomfortable bed that never seems to give you a good nights rest. There is the bible in the night stand which no one ever reads, which I translated to knowing about what God can do and choosing or not being able to let him do it. We have that T.V with only 4-6 channels which I translated to our memories playing over and over again in our head like a film strip. When the line “the endlessness that you fear” came through it shook me. You could interpret it however you choose but to me it meant being afraid of a deep, endless, painful, unshakable depression.
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
I think this message was quite clear. I am sure I am not the only one who sees it. To me it’s about being tired of feeling the same way all the time or going through the same hell with no end in sight. Everywhere you turn there are people waiting to take advantage of you. In the world today it’s not easy to find people who don’t have trouble trusting people. To some it’s hard to even trust family.
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
Things keep getting worse and you keep telling yourself that it will end soon that it’s your fault that everything is going wrong. You tell yourself that you will make a better you then your life will get better. If you know God then you know that that is a lie. You are the way God made you…perfect. However there is a huge difference in knowing something and believing something. It doesn’t make a difference how may times you escape your demons. They will always come back. You have to deal with and conquer them before any healing can be done.
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
Sometime or most of the time it is easier to just give up and stop fighting. It is easier to believe that this is the way it was meant to be you were always meant to be alone and feel hopeless. Lies. Lies. Lies. It’s amazing how you can know something so well and still believe the complete opposite. I know that I am who God made me to be. In his eyes I am beautiful, intelligent, strong and so very loved, But I still find myself believing the lies that Satan tells me.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
There comes a point when you are so far lost in your depression that even your day dreams of a better life turn into nightmares. You can’t even find refuge in your own mind anymore. The word that really stuck out to me in these four lines was silent. There are times when people who are trying to help you fight the battle of depression ask you questions, those times are usually very difficult. The enemy will fill you with so much fear, despair and hopelessness that you can’t speak even if you want to. The people who are trying to help you don’t understand why you aren’t answering. They can’t understand that you can barely breathe with the fear that fills you, let alone utter an answer to there inquiries of why you feel this way. Now back to the line “You’re in the arms of the angel.” Again it could mean that you need to find comfort in God, but in my experience it takes a while to get to the point where you can make yourself believe that faith can conquer all. Sometimes all you need is a friend to just be there by your side with their arms around you. I think the reason this is so comforting is because it comforts the inner child we all have. At the feet of God we are nothing more than toddlers wanting our daddy to hold us and maybe rock us to sleep.
I really felt that God was pushing for me to type all of these thoughts, but as I read through it, I have no idea why. I have no answers, only thoughts.
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