| Stroke Recovery (cont.) |
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As I was saying or as my buddy Voice was saying clueless can be the beginning of being malleable. Or at least it was for this old lump of clay. I couldn't lie to myself about the fact that I wasn't all that sure about what would happen if I would slip off into eternity.
As I regained my health I redoubled my efforts to work more rigorously at becoming a better person. Never mind the fact that Jesus never asks us to save ourselves. But for this stubborn fellow. I just wanted to do it myself. I figured If I could make enough laws that I was keeping if nothing else I could accuse my fellow man.
As if righteousness was some kind of a game. But in the end I only discovered there was no way to save myself. Somewhere along the way I met a lady in NA that was always talking about Jesus. I thought she was still reeling from Meth. I thought she should struggle to work the steps and learn to take care of herself like I thought I had.
But I found myself sitting outside the Church I had been attending off and on for a few years, writing down all the reservations I had to surrendering myself to Christ. Sure wasn't enjoying myself. Trying to find a god to my liking had let me down. So I talked to my pastor about some reservations. I knew Romans 10:9 said if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead.
I could confess that Jesus was lord, as my best efforts to make myself good had failed; but believing in my heart that God raised him from the dead. That would be a huge leap of faith. I talked to my pastor about the fact that 6 former clients had committed suicide which was really nagging at me and he gave me a book by Craig Hill called Bondage Broken.
It was an easy read and I thought this pastor was kind hearted but clueless about addiction. within two weeks I quit smoking and I signed up for something calle Ancient Paths which was a 3 day seminar. I really didn't know what to expect.
Long story short my prayer life became more of a two way affair. So I started to think to myself If I'm hearing this fellow that was crucified 2 thousand years ago, maybe God did raise him from the dead after all. |
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