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| Recognize the Signs of Abuse |
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 A couple of nights ago I watched the very disturbing 2006 film Notes on a Scandal, about two women whose lives become intensely intertwined due to their deep and separate psychological needs and their lack of coping ability.
All of us have a natural need for love and intimacy, and loneliness can blind us to the warning signs about those who "befriend" us. Women can be especially vulnerable to abusive manipulation, by romantic partners, and, as this movie shows, by would-be friends.
Today's Dear Abby column reprinted a great list of warning signs for recognizing abusers. Following is her list: (See earlier article here)
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. (2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car. (3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything. (4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need. (5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job. (6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong. (7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you." (8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life. (9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children. (10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting. (11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse. (12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home. (13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes. (14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it. (15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."
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When we allow others to manipulate us, it is usually out of fear. We fear being alone. We fear not being able to pay the bills. We fear not knowing what our lives might be otherwise. But living under another's abuse is not the life for which God designed us. There is help available. There are women's shelters. There are inexpensive counseling services. Social Services offers many helping services. There are numerous help agencies that exist exactly for such circumstances as yours. There are community colleges with financial aid, where one can learn a new job skill. What you need is the will to rise above where you are, and the strength to make some difficult changes.
Sometimes we long for love so much that we accept a "love" we know is not authentic. Contrast the "love" in the above list to the authentic love described in 1 Cor. 13:
13:4 Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 13:5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 13:6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 13:8 Love never ends;
You are God's precious child. He loves you perfectly, and it is His desire that we all love and care for each other. Do not allow yourself to live in a controling relationship, in which you live in constant fear or under constant pressure to please the other person. It is better to live without human intimacy for a season than to live with fake "love" which causes physical, emotional, and/or psychological pain. God has a plan. Break away from those who are holding you back, and have courage. God is our refuge and our strength. Take a small step forward, and trust Him with your life. |
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suzanne |
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December 19, 2007 at 8:58am |
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| Hi, Kathy--thank you for this blog everyone should read and pay serious attention to. I noticed several of the "red flags" in my relationship with my ex-husband. That's why (praise God) he's my ex-husband. But I also thank the Lord that He helped both of us get beyond the past and start new separate lives. Merry Christmas! |
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I understand what it is to be with an abusive man. Before I met my husband now, I was with a very abusive man. He would call me names, hit me, choke me, sleep with a gun incase I tried to leave him, & was a sexual pervert. I think back to that time & how I didnt know the the Lord. I was afraid to leave b/c of financial reasons. I was making $6 an hour at a restaurant. During this period in my life, I became broken. My brokenness was Gods opportunity to show me that He was my deliverer. When I had enough, I gave my life to the Lord. I lived with that man for another 6 months after I got saved. Hoping & praying he would get saved too. One day he started assaulting me with a broom & calling me horrible names. When he stopped the abuse to take a shower, I cried out to the Lord and He answered me. I heard the Lord say, " LEAVE NOW!". It startled me how crisp & clear the voice from within me was. I grabbed a few personal items & went to my parents & never looked back. I am so glad I followed the Lords voice & trusted HIM.
I know of many women in this same situation & it seems like there is no hope, but I know of one the is greater than he that is in this world. If HE can do it for me, HE can do it for you. Listen for the voice of the LORD!
Great blog & such an important topic. It reaches my heart! |
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Lourdes |
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December 19, 2007 at 9:13am |
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| Thank you for this list Kathy. Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo! ;-) Lourdes |
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| Kathy, Important blog. Someone can be in an abusive relationship and not even realize it for what it really is. We are taught to believe the best in others, so it seems many times, we think--the problem must be "me". Of course some times it may be. :) The abused person may know something's not right and that they don't feel good about themselves or life but they are so caught up in it, they don't even realize what's really going on. Great blog, great subject. |
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JessIAm |
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December 19, 2007 at 12:22pm |
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Just wanted to comment on things in the list: (12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home. I think I'd change this to Enforces Rigid Gender Roles. Some healthy couples have role boundaries that would seem rigid. However, the Bible never gives the husband or wife license to enforce roles on the other. I wanted to add one: (16) HE OR SHE INTERPRETS GODS WILL FOR YOU: Anyone who wants to opress someone will isolate the person from God's influence. |
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| I have NO tolerance for any male who would verbally or physically abuse a woman. PERIOD! Notice, I referred to the culprit as "male", because a MAN would NOT conduct himself in such a manner! |
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JessIAm |
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December 19, 2007 at 1:37pm |
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| Amen, Wyatt! |
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| Interesting points, Jess! Absolutely true! |
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Jen D |
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December 19, 2007 at 4:35pm |
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| Thank you for this post. I've been there and it's eerie to see myself in so many of the items. I got out on my own but it wasn't easy. I hope others see themselves and get out before it's too late. |
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A MAN THAT HITS A LADY IS A COWARD AND NOT A MAN AT ALL AND NEEDS HELP GOD BLESS YOU ALL THIS CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR |
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Great Blog, Kathy! Thanks for posting this.
Cathy |
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Kathy |
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December 20, 2007 at 2:24pm |
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Yahschild, you make an excellent point. Unfortunately, whether abuse or some other issue, we often do not recognize ourselves when we read about our own situations. Or if we recognize it, we might say, "yes, but . . ." making our own situation somehow the exception. Abuse, physical, emotional, and psychological, is not unusual at all, even in environments like MyChurch, as we can see from the personal testimonies posted here. Shannon, JenD, and Suzanne, thank you for sharing your stories with us! Personal testimonies are a most effective way to reach those who are in similar circumstances. God uses our stories to make a difference in others' lives!
Wyatt, I appreciate your personal conviction, and I wish your statement about women were true! Unfortunately there are also women who fit into the abuser category, toward both men and other women. As Stephen says, those who hit (women) need help, as do those who abuse emotionally or psychologically, whether they be men or women.
Jess, you make a good point that often the control involves telling the other person what God says (and not allowing her to listen to God for herself). If the abuser claims to be a Christian, this may be tied to a misinterpretation of gender roles.
Lourdes, mstovall, and Cathy, thank you for your supportive comments! May this blog reach those who need to see it, and may they look to God for courage to terminate the abusive relationship! |
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Thanks Kathy,
Our enemy will try to trick us into accepting some perverted, counterfiet type of so-called love.
We must never accept anything less than God's wonderful, bountiful, endless love !!
God bless you for pointing this out !
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Cheryl |
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December 22, 2007 at 12:20pm |
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| Kathy, thank you for pointing this out. Domestic Violence is huge. I do public speaking about DV in an effort to educate others from this monster. I too was in a life-threatening DV relationship. I also lost a child due to a miscarrage after one of my beatings when my husband tried to take my life. I went to a womens shelter and then found out he was abusing my daughter while I attended college and worked full-time in the pharmacy industry. We have been through two years of DHS (Department of Human Services) and have been going through this divorce for 4 years now, it is still not final. I was also the Founder of our womens ministry and leader at our church for 6 years. Now God uses this testimony to serve Him. Thank you again, mercysponge |
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Kathy |
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December 22, 2007 at 8:25pm |
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| Paul, thank you for your supportive comments, and Cheryl, thank you for sharing your story! God can always use our personal stories to improve the world for others! Thank you for the work you are doing! |
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Kathy, just now getting caught up on blogs and this is a very important one. I stand right alongside Wyatt with the conviction. The sad thing about it is that many boys don't have a strong male role model about how to treat a lady. I also firmly believe that those who grow up in an abusive environment are prone to continue in that behavior unless they are taught otherwise.
Our longing for companionship is an incredibly powerful force in our lives. It is so strong that we often "settle" for a relationship that hurts us. Twice in my life I have "rescued" a lady from a guy who was beating her. In both cases the two ladies refused to press charges. In both cases, there were several witnesses and the abuse was physical leaving injuries that required treatment. It is so sad when someone thinks they need to stay in such a relationship. [By the way, those same witnesses didn't see a thing that happened to the guy when I pulled him off.]
Folks there are people who will help. You simply need to ask. |
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Kathy |
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December 24, 2007 at 1:52pm |
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Voice, you are a wise and caring person! Your experience of offering help that was not accepted is, unfortunately, not unusual. It is difficult for the abused one to break away. She is afraid of what the abuser will do to her, of how she will survive without him, of what others will say, of where she will go . . . You are a good friend!
Tropical, thanks for the link. Great article about emotional abuse, which is more difficult to recognize but oh, so prevalent! Thank you! |
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Grant |
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December 26, 2007 at 2:57am |
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| It ain't all men, though I suppose statistically men are perhaps more likely to abuse. I knew a guy who was in an abusive relationship like this with his girlfriend. She threatened him with death or serious injury and stalked him. In the end, he was able to get out of the relationship --- alive. |
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Cheryl |
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December 26, 2007 at 9:23am |
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| Grant is right, women also contribute to this cycle through abuse. Stats are: Every 15 seconds an act of Domestic Violence occurs. With men though, it usually goes unreported. Do not tolerate or settle for anything less than God's best. |
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JessIAm |
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December 26, 2007 at 12:44pm |
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It's also true that women tend to abuse people emotionally, while mend tend to be more physical.
Maybe we should ask this: what, in general, constitutes abusive behavior. To me, it's an attempt to control someone else without concern for their welfare. |
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Kathy |
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December 26, 2007 at 6:12pm |
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| Grant, Cheryl, Jess, you are right that abuse is not always male to female, that men are less likely to report being abused (the cultural stigma), and that men are more often the physical abusers and women the emotional abusers, although there is much overlap! I haven't read all of it, but this looks like a good website to learn more about abuse: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=2 |
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Dana |
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December 27, 2007 at 3:50pm |
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| Great topic! |
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Gene |
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December 29, 2007 at 11:24am |
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Kudos, Kathy, in this important topic.
I know someone who has recently been abused in an emotional/mental manner. Telling that person that they are being abused is like petting a porcupine.
I hope this makes a difference in alt least one person's life. |
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| thanx for such anote to help others.I wish that I had such a note to help me when I was in an abusive marriage.Thank God He gave me friends to help me get out.I was saved from possible death.My husband had almost killed me several times.If it weren't for my friends with God's help I wouldn't have gotten out.A few weeks ago I got involved in another relationship beacause I was lonely and tired of being soooooo alone.I just wanted to be loved by somebody.I wanted to have someone to love.Well this person showed 99% of the signs that u talk about here.I remember asking God to help me get out of it.He showed me the verses u refer to in ur blog.Love is patient,kind,longsuffering.This partner was none of those at all.God helped me get out of a relationship that I never should have been in.Some ppl say that a person shouldn't get divorced.I look at what I went thru and wander why anybody would think that anybody should have to stay married to someone who wants to kill them.My exhusband wanted the divorse and I gave it to him.God says that's ok cause my ex was not a believer any more.He no longer wanted to serve God and was also unfaithful to me with a man.Thanx for writing this blog it is a timely one.I pray that anyone in an abusive relationship will read this and get out. |
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Kathy |
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January 01, 2008 at 7:10pm |
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| Maddie, thank you for sharing your experience so it can help others who read it! I am so glad to hear that you got out of both abusive relationships and that you now know the signs to watch for. Lonelinesss can be so hard. We all need to be loved, and it is such a temptation to forge a substitute for love when we are lonely, even knowing that it will only make things worse. Be strong, Maddie! I am praying for you that you will be loved, or recognize a love that's already there, even if not a romantic kind of love. Friendships and family relationships can be just as fulfilling, but our culture has taught us erroneously that without a romantic partner we are not whole. Loneliness is in good company, Maddie. Almost all of us have known loneliness at some period of our lives. I will also pray that you will forgive yourself for being divorced, as I am certain that God does not want any of us to remain in a dangerous or abusive relationship. It is His perfect desire that both partners love Him and each other, but if one partner chooses not to live in love, it is not God's wish that the other be tortured for the rest of her/his life. You are covered by God's grace and love. May you feel His protective and loving embrace. |
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| Wow this is a needed topic. And it is really true that it isn't always men that abuse. I just recently got out of a "friendship" that was very abusive. I stayed believing that I could change her and help her. God had to really get ahold of me to make me realize that I was simply enabling her. I had in a lot of ways become her drug. I hope and pray that she will actually get some help now that I am not in the picture. And praise God - He has become so much closer since I left. |
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About six months ago, I was dealing with a woman who would verbally abuse me every time she felt uncomfortable. Wouldn't talk about anything, just become very bossy, and badger me to change my opinion. That reminds me of another thing abusers do - they tell you your feelings aren't valid. |
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Kathy |
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January 02, 2008 at 5:29pm |
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| Hi Agentdiane! Welcome to MyChurch, and thank you for sharing your story! Your scenario is also a quite common one among women. I'm happy for you that you saw the signs and were able to free yourself. Jess, so true. If (she) can convince you that your feelings are not valid, then you are more dependent on (her) to teach you how to feel. |
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Sometimes the signs are on the wall, however we are blind to face up to them, this is a good eye opener and a good review!!
Martie - South Africa |
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Kathy |
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January 09, 2008 at 11:00am |
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| Very true, Marti, not just with abuse, but with so many things! Welcome to MyChurch! |
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Cheryl |
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January 09, 2008 at 11:06am |
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| I am so thankful to see this blog continue. MyChurch and Kathy are being used by the Lord, thank you Father! Love you guys, |
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Kathy |
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January 09, 2008 at 1:48pm |
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| Thank you, Cheryl! You're a blessing! |
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Gene |
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January 14, 2008 at 7:07am |
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Kathy,
I just got notified about a new book that might fit into this discussion so I thought to mention Dinah's Lament. Here's the book description: Dinah's Lament studies the ways Christians have read six biblical narratives about sexual violence, using biblical commentary, homilies, and devotional writings as a window into the history of the church's attitudes about rape. Schroeder analyzes the patterns of Christian interpretation ... from the early church through the Reformation, and shows that traditions of interpretation are often more disturbing and horrifying than the texts themselves. Her work raises important questions about the way Christian readers continue to shield the Bible from criticism and to reinforce patterns of subjugation, silencing, and violence against women.
An introduction addresses the physical, emotional, and social effects of rape and sexual violence on women in the early church, Middle Ages, and Reformation, and summarizes Christian patterns of interpretation including allegorical, moral, and literal- historical approaches to the Bible. Subsequent chapters discuss early Christian accounts in which virgin martyrs were divinely protected from rape; interpretations of Genesis 34 that effectively blamed Dinah for her own rape (with the remarkable exception of Martin Luther); the importance of Christian voices, especially medieval women like Hildegard of Bingen and Hrotswitha of Gandersheim, that insisted on the innocence of rape victims and lamented the violation of women's bodies; and more.
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Kathy |
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January 14, 2008 at 10:37am |
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| Thanks, Gene! I've not heard of this book, but it sounds intriguing. Not for those in the midst of crisis, but for those on the counseling end. Has this author written anything previously? Do you know what her background is? |
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Gene |
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January 14, 2008 at 11:13am |
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Kathy,
Here's what the publisher says about the author:
Joy A. Schroeder is Assistant Professor of Church History at Trinity Lutheran Seminary and Professor of Theology and Religion at Trinity and at Capital University, Columbus, Ohio. She is the author of numerous articles on the representations of sexuality in religious literature and art.
I think her perspective it more the theological background to this aspect of sexuality on Biblical writings than in the counseling/support that is a part of clinical needs. It sounds to me like it's more of a scriptural exposition on the topic and could be good reading for anyone interested in the topic. This is a link to her web page at Trinity Lutheran Seminary where she works as Associate Professor of Church History. I'm not sure of anything else she may have written. |
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Kathy |
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January 14, 2008 at 8:13pm |
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| Sounds very interesting! Thanks, Gene! |
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Becky |
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March 31, 2008 at 5:20am |
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Wow Kathy,
This took a lot of reading but it was well worth it. After being beaten beyond recognition by a boyfriend once. I thought about committing murder. How could he put my head with 8 baseball size lumps and swollen eyes up to the mirror and say we made a beautiful couple. After he realized what he did he went to his room and bawled like a baby. I went in the kitchen and found a knife to do the job and realized he wasn't worth it.
I had another boyfriend that he and I used to drink tequilla and beat eachother up. I have been beaten, raped, and tried to play dead. My ex used to have a woman he was married to that beat him almost daily.
I really can't tell you if my husband or I are abusing each other at this point. I know I have said things that I regret or didn't mean. I know I am just so frustrated to the point I want to do something bad or not beneficial to myself so I will stop. All I desire is to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but I always fail. I remember once two years ago my mouth wouldn't stop saying hurtful things so I didn't talk for three days and wrote anything I wanted to say on a sticky note. So it had to be something good I had to think about it. I know my husband says some horrible things about me too. I really can't tell at this point Kathy whether it is abusive or not. I have given my marriage over to God and am trying to praise Him in everything i do, write, or say. But I am always faced with my humanness (ugh if that is a word). I know it doesn't help his ex wife is just stirring up the pot. We are trying so hard but so many circumstances have just made the last two weeks the worst nightmare I have been in since he deployed to Iraq and I tried to kill myself multiple times.
Anyway, this was good and theraputic. Thanks. I may just have to drive down to the college and have lunch with you one of these days. I still haven't found a job yet. So I have the time. |
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Kathy |
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March 31, 2008 at 8:32pm |
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| Becky, you are in my prayers. You are God's special child. |
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| I was abused by the father of my youngest daughter. I since have lived my life alone with no hopes of ever trusting my judgement again. I have scars, emotional and physical that Jesus is just starting to work on. I am thankful to my redeemer who it seems is the only one to be able to help me. |
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Kathy |
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May 23, 2008 at 7:30pm |
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| Debbie, I am so sorry to hear this part of your story, but so glad to hear that Jesus is beginning to heal you. You are wise to be cautious after having been so hurt. I will pray for you, however, that you will gradually allow yourself to open up and trust again. Not everyone, but a few close people that seem safe. Romance is not essential to being whole, but love is - whether the love of children, the love of friends, etc., we all need to love and be loved. And you are experiencing the only One who will never ever let us down! May God's love envelope you and bring you Peace! *hug* |
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