In this chapter about Hannah being treated badly by her husband's other wife because she did not have children, I see such a difference between our culture and theirs.

In my life, I feel that I've been viewed very poorly by others because I have more than 2 children. The disaproval started when Philip was born. He was my third, and there is no doubt in my mind that he was an answer to my prayer for God's will to prevail in my life.

You see, I had no intention of having more children. I was relieved to have raised my two to the point that they were both walking and I didn't have to carry them any longer along with everything else I had to carry. Physically I was very weak and in pain most of the time. I was not longing for more children and was taking steps to prevent conception. So, when Philip was conceived, I knew it was an act of God, and I treasure him as an extra special blesssing from God.

Anyhow, I was so excited at his birth, and had just assumed others would be just as excited. I took him to Tennessee to show him off to a friend. She was very cruel...gave me a lecture about overpopulating the planet. I was very sad, but had thought she was unique in her thinking, only later to learn that most everyone either feels it is irresponsible to have more than two children for the wellbeing of our planet, or for the wellbeing of our other children. Lectures from my older sister and stepmother have been the most painful. I tell myself it is because they care about me, but deep down I grieve because they will never understand the treasure that these children are.

They are much more precious than the biggest house or bank account. And while we do struggle for space and paying bills, the Lord provides. We are so rich by the standards of the world. I just read that 80% of the world does not have basic necessities such as housing, food, education. We are so very blessed. We have a roof over our head with heat and air conditioning, access to a wonderful library, and food for every meal of the day plus snacks. And now to take some of the load off of me while I'm recovering my health, two of my children are in private school taught by a team of Christians who love and serve the Lord. God has been good to us and I feel that we have a responsibility to pass that goodness on to others. 

I don't know what the future holds, but am very excited about a phone company my husband and his friend have started which has the potential to bring in income while we are overseas. For as long as I can remember, I've never felt comfortable in our culture where the goal is to have a certain "look" or accomplish a certain career status. When I was in Haiti, there was such a freedom from that mentality. There are so many needs, that what brand of clothing you are wearing is the furthest thing from anyone's mind. I have always wanted to return and work in an orphanage there. And now I have a friend who does exactly that. She adopted two children from an orphanage called House of Hope, and works diligently raising money and taking frequent trips to minister to the children there. Also, I have met people who have ministered in Romania and I feel a tug in my heart to go there. We have had an invitation to Hungary, and it didn't work out. Our missionary friends unexpectedly had to return home before we were able to go.

Anyhow, I'm identifying with Hannah in that she wanted to give her son back to the Lord. I feel that each of my children belong to the Lord, and that it's my responsibility to train them in His ways and to help them find Him. Everything else is secondary. It breaks my heart the point we are in now...my oldest daughter telling me I'm a joke, my second daughter grieving because there was one thing on her Christmas list that she didn't get, my son more interested in video games than anything else, my two year old watching junk on TV because I'm too bombarded with chemical exposures to be able to involve her in other activities, and my husband working himself into an early grave trying to meet the insane financial demands of our culture. I know it's time for a change. I'm excited about the possibilities of God using us as a family for His glory, and how it's going to change us to be closer to Him.

See, I've had it all wrong. I've been grieving because I've felt that me caring for my family has been keeping me from serving in the church. Also, the many chemical exposures in this area as well as the stress brought on by the disaproval of my extended family and peers have kept me in a bondage of sorts...paralyzed physically, emotionally, and even spiritually to the extent that I've allowed it. But now I can see opportunity for my whole family to serve in God's church as a unit, together, to further His kingdom and to bring him glory. Now is the time. I dedicate my children and my family to Him to use in his kingdom. Amen.