My first blog.

Last Sunday at church Pastor Larry gave a message titled "Unlimited praying" and it was awesome as usual. God has been showing me lately that my prayer and word time have been falling short lately and my time with the Holy Spirit as well. I don't know if you get like this but I find myself often having lulls in my spiritual walk. Some people think it is easy to be a Christian when things are going easy but I think it is the hardest at that time. When there is a crisis, both Christian and non-Christians jump straight to God. Prayer life, prayer language, and boldness come alive in hard-times. We stand firm with resolve that God will hear our prayers and we boldly speak to others about what God is doing/will do in this time of need. I in no way want to diminish this activity but I think that sometimes it can be even more important to look at how we handle the quiet or good times. I have had years of famine and years of harvest and when I look back on them it seems that the harvest always tended to lead me to a place of complacency and contentment. Here is where the hook is; doesn't contentment seem to be okay? Isn't that good enough?

A few years ago God showed me what the devil's tool against me was: distraction. You see it wasn't some type of back-sliding activity that he would use to try to break me or destroy my family with; it was simply being ineffective to the body of Christ. When this was first revealed to me I thought okay now I know the weapon so I know what and how to guard against that, seemed easy enough. I now see the bitter-sweet truth in his words; I have gone back and forth with this same battle during my walk. There are many symptoms to this: compromise, too busy, too tired, God wants me to be a great employee, wanting to avoid being too holier than thou, cowardice, and, the ever-impressive and believable, kids, kids, kids, etc. etc. (notice symptoms and excuses are the same here) For me, my harvest times are when complacency tries to set roots and distraction fertilizes it. These roots are weeds in my spiritual walk. They keep me distracted and busy with those little things that we all must deal with or attend to. When I am busy, distracted, and things are going good, should I  start looking around for things to fix or just ride the wave?

When I look back on the last 16 years that I have been a parent, I would only say that I have been a really good parent for the last four years or so. Don't get me wrong, my kids always rode in car seats, they ate well, and Ora made it past 4 (an accomplishment for both of us). But I was always selfish and self-serving in my parenting. It’s not that I didn't love my kids, or didn't want the best for them, it’s just that I was immature and lived by the flesh. I have made many, many mistakes and I feel so blessed that God has covered many of my mistakes with my children. I came to realize about three years ago that being a better than good parent is really hard. I originally approached parenting with the mentality that I will protect them and provide for them and everything will just fall into place, I found out though, that it is not enough. The scripture, “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (proverbs 22:6) has meant a lot to me in the last few years, for many reasons. The part that gets me, and probably many parents, is the train up part. What does that entail and how is God defining it?

What I have come to learn is it definitely means some sleepless nights, it means prayer without ceasing, and most of all it means to dig your boots in, get a firm grip, gather more resolve than you ever thought you could muster, and never give up. I was passive in my parenting in the past, “it will all work out” but I have learned that I have to be proactive in my parenting. Now for some of you who have done this from the get go this may seem elementary, but for me it is revolutionary. I decided years ago that my children will not just be, as my Cajun family would say, “good people.” I want my kids to be amazing people. I want their integrity, courage, and character to standout above others. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?

After Jamey died, I decided that I never wanted anyone to show that they felt sorry for my kids, or me. Pity always looked like a crutch or wheel-chair to me. I wanted my kids to never be handicapped because of Jamey’s death or anything else that may happen. As horrible of an experience as that was, we were very blessed in so many ways.  That was one of the things I know that I did right. If my children meet someone that doesn’t know our history, I don’t think they ever suspect that they have had some rough years at very tender ages. I have seen this in the classroom. Some kids are so hurt and beat-up by life that you can see it in their eyes, their posture, their smile (or lack there of). I don’t ever want this for my kids. I firmly believe that my children are whole and most of the time have as good of, often better than, a life as kids with a two parent home. This isn’t always easy and I in no way shape or form could have accomplished this without God, family, and an amazing church backing me up, encouraging me, and blessing them. I realized last year how amazing my kids and our little family is, harvest times often bring out this reflection in me. When I do this type of “reflection” and see that this harvest is great and it is all going to be okay, my hard work is paying-off. I, for some reason, tend to put on auto-pilot. Do I think that I can cruise control my way through life, through parenting?

This is what God showed me through Pastor Larry’s lesson. I turned the cruise on some time last year, I ‘m not sure when exactly it happened or how. I had a great year in 2007. In January, I became employed with a “real job,” like a “real grown-up” as my sister would say. Before the school year was over in May, I had people coming to me for a job, three to be exact. One of these jobs was exactly where I wanted to be and am now at. Everything fell right into place, it was amazing to experience. What was so awesome about it all was I didn’t even pray/ask God to put me at Sulphur High. I had just taken it for fact that it was hard to get on there and I would have to go through a few other schools and a few years before I could land a job there. I settled. But God said no, you don’t have to wait and bumped me to the front of the line, how amazing it was to see Him at work. My daughter and my son have both had a year of promotion in 07 as well. Cadence had become a power student, admired by her teachers and peers, got her license, making right choices, and I don’t know how but she seems to get more beautiful each year. Ora has come into his own. He has really become a great guy: good grades, good attitude, great athlete, good looking, and well liked by teachers and peers. How blessed am I to have these kids?

Very blessed and I know that. My children do stand out amongst others (I know I am a little prejudice). I have awesome kids. I just explained what makes them awesome, so why did God tell me on December 30, 2007 that it’s not enough? It is not enough for me to pray that my kids will be servants of God and that they will not depart from it. It is not enough that they have connected with the Holy Spirit. It’s not enough that they don’t drink or do drugs. It’s not enough that they have good grades or are well liked by teachers or peers. It is all complacency, meeting the bar lifestyle. God showed me in that message that I have failed to raise my children to be on fire and boldly seeking the face of God, diligently seeking a personal relationship with the heart of Jesus, earnestly listening to the Holy Sprit for guidance, developing their own relationship with the Father, apart from what they hear at church or get from me. As if this look at reality wasn’t hard enough, God has now shown me that my children’s walk is merely a mirror reflection of my own. In 2007, I put on the auto pilot: my fire became a flicker, my relationship with Jesus became a friendship and not a romance, the Holy Spirit has had to holler at me and bang on the door to get me to listen, and I’m not real sure what God has for me next. Wow, what’s next?

Friends are speaking about 2008 like every New Year: year of abundance, year of restoration, year of renewal, etc. But really, what is in store for my family in the New Year? I already have many choices to make: braces for Ora, staying in this all too-small house that I am emotionally attached to, do we finally go to see my brother and his family in Germany or do we go on that summer mission trip that could change the dynamic of my family, can we do both, do I start my cell group back up, should I start my newsletter again, will this be the year that I gain complete control over my flesh, so many questions and concerns. Where do I start? Where do I begin?

Taking it off of cruise control is a start. Seeing distractions for what they are and not falling for them. Digging my boots in even deeper and living by the motto that “good enough is not good enough any more.” I want us to rise above the bar. I want to have children that are completely sold out to living for God, not just with Him. But, that means that I have to do it first, the whole head-of–the-family thing comes into play here.  If my children don’t see it in my life, as a living and breathing entity that grows, then how will they know to do it in there own? I have got to be the change I want to see in them, I have got to be the growth I want in their life. I have got to be the sold-out, no turning back, giving it all up, always wanting more of Him, servant of God that I want them to be.  Seems like a simple choice, right?

What can be most scary for me is having this knowledge. See once you have this knowledge; you are now responsible for it. I can no longer claim ignorance. I am now accountable for what God has shown me and I will have to answer to Him one day. Did I truly train them up in the way He wanted them to go? Did I reach all of the people He wanted me to? Was I the servant He called me to be? I want so badly for all the answers to be yes, but I know that the answer lies in me and the choices I will make. I tend to get that deer in the headlights look at this point, this can be a very overwhelming outlook, but that is not how He wants me to see it. It should look desirable and attainable. I should run and not walk to it. What He wants for me is to “take delight in the Lord and he will give me the desires of my heart” (Psalm 37:4) I want that desire to be more of Him. I want to delight in Him; I want Him to be that desire of my heart. When that becomes my focus, my future is not so overwhelming, it’s attainable and desirable. So that leaves me asking, what does God desire for me in 2008?