I sure am glad I came online tonight instead of just heading for bed after an exhausting and confusing day.  I feel so much better already just reading how my friends are doing and about what is going on with them.  Love you all. 

The exhausting part of my day is from taking on too much in one day.  But now that I'm able to sleep again.  I was able to take a nap and recharge...a wonderful blessing. 

The confusing part is due to my counselor telling me that I'm not as sick as I think I am.  I ignored it when she said it.  She doesn't have my medical records, and she's not a doctor.  My doctor was shocked to see how sick the test results said I was, because I was still functioning to some degree.  Anyhow, with treatment, I had hoped to be doing better than I am, but I'm blessed to have met several people online who struggle in the same ways I am, and realize I'm not so much an alien afterall....lol.  Many of them are convinced they will never get better.  I'm not in that camp of thought, but I do believe it will take time and perhaps a miracle. I know I'm better than I used to be and have every reason to believe that improvement will continue.  

 

I ignored the comment, because I thought it really didn't matter, but today when I was so wiped out from things that wouldn't phase most others, and couldn't prepare dinner for my family, I started emotionally beating myself up thinking I should get up and fix dinner because "I'm not really as sick as I think I am".  No amount of telling myself to get up enabled me to be able to get up.  Only after a nap was I able to get up and drag myself to a baby shower which I had been looking forward to going to. 

During the shower, someone took me aside and asked if everything was ok with me.  I explaid that I had inhaled gas fumes and my head is just not right.  The person was immature, and I probably shouldn't have given that much information.  I received a lecture and a half.  How is it that other people claim to know more about me than I know about myself?  So now, if this person has their way, I'm to believe that this illness is a spiritual matter, that my healing has already been provided, and that I just need to forgive others, confess my sin, take authority over it and start "walking in it"...whatever that means exactly. 

I would much prefer to walk in healing, but sometimes, like today, I'm just too ill to do so...go figure.  That's why I'm confused.  I'd like to understand why this concept of Jesus bearing the stripes for our healings doesn't always play out in the Christian's life.  I know it's not due to me not forgiving, confessing, or exercising authority.  I quote healing scriptures daily.  I'd like to be able to put to rest the idea that there is something terribly wrong with me or that I'm just unacceptable to God even with me being covered by Christ's righteousness. 

Also, I need to learn when to go and when to rest...when to knowingly expose myself to toxins in order to do what needs done, or be where I feel I need to be, and when to take measures to avoid them.  My prayer is for the voice of the Holy Spirit to become so clear to me that I will know what is right for me at each moment and won't have to guess and pay the consequences of guessing it wrong. 

I'd like to learn a better way to respond to others questions and comments.  I have no problem with people being curious, especially if I'm wearing a mask.  Others may need assurance that I'm not contageous.  I become uneasy though when I receive judgements...there must be some sin or unforgiveness in my life preventing me from being well.  And then there are those that just cannot fathom that a whiff of gasoline would do to my brain the things it does, and think I have to be making it up, or I think I'm sicker than I really am...like some sort of psychosomatic illness that I've caused by thinking it so.   

So, on to the things I'm grateful for today...

1.  I was so blessed at the babyshower to see the generosity of the other guests.  I thouroughly enjoyed watching the young couple be showered with gifts and love. 
 

2. Olivia has discovered and fallen in love with the Strawberry Shortcake character.  Her enthusiasm is contageous...lol.  I love watching her get so excited.  Now instead of her telling me to draw her all the time, she wants me to draw Strawberry Shortcake.

3. Philip has been chosen to represent his class for the school spelling bee, and I'm enjoying helping him prepare very much.  He is such a joy. 

4.  I went for some heavy metal testing which required 5 hours of chelation.  I'm grateful that I tolerated it very well and even seem to have improved much in my cognitive function from it.  I'm curious to see what the results are.  I want to see if the detox diet I've been following has been effective or if I will need to go back to the chelation protocol. 

5.  My cell group has been praying for me this week.  I asked them to pray for freedom for me.  Freedom from feeling the need to live up to the goals my parents had for me as a child...living up to my distorted image of what a "good" Christian wife and mother is...and living up to what my children expect of me.  I asked them to pray for freedom for me to be who God made me to be and to live up to His goals for me.  I'm so grateful to know others are praying for me, and grateful that I can tell them that I'm sensing God's presence again after a long absense. I nolonger feel like I'm on the outside looking in.  Praise God.