Oh God, something inside me is miserable.   I am miserable because I have lived most of my life the way I wanted to.   Oh, I was in church.   I served in church.   I had meaningful fellowship with my brothers and sisters in You.   I have read Your Word from cover to cover and studied it.  I have notebooks FULL of notes from Your Word.   I have loved You all my life, Lord.   But, still, I know that I am not who I would have been IF I  had only obeyed You. 
Sure, I did wonderfully kind deeds for people.   I have been forgiving, and loving.   I have opened my door to the homeless, and fed the hungry.   I have given and given.   Yet, I did not obey You when you tried to tell me to have faith, and to Trust Your direction. 

Instead, I sinned against You.   I sinned by disobedience.   I sinned by harming the temple (my body) where You reside.  

Others will tell me, "You cannot look back.  Consentrate on the today.   Don't beat yourself up!   Just ask forgiveness and go from HERE to make a new ending to your life in Him."   But, I say to them........I am middle-aged now.   I see death approaching.   What can I say when I stand before my Maker?   I have no excuse.  I was only afraid.   I was afraid.   I was afraid.   I didn't know what stepping out in faith was.   I couldn't FATHOM that You would move others to assist me in reaching the goal You had for me to minister to others for YOUR Name's sake.   I didn't understand that "all things work together for the good for those who are called according to Your purpose".    I didn't know that the possiblilty of suffering for Your Name's sake would bring GLORIOUS reward and peace that could pass all understanding.  

Oh, Blessed Father, what a fool I have been!!!!  I now SEE what having child-like faith is all about.    I now see what I have done to Your temple.   I now see the people I have hurt or caused to stumble,  through clearer eyes.  And I feel such sorrow over it.  It is almost too much to bear!!

My soul is LONGING to be what YOU want me to be.   Where do I start now?  I don't want to be the person I have always been.   But, here I am, Lord, so set in my ways.   I am crippled up, and STILL scared.    Would it be better for me to have a millstone hung around my neck and tossed out in to the depths of the sea?    Truthfully, Lord, your discipline has taught me well, and I am ready to do the right thing now.  But, show me what I can do NOW that I have failed to do what You asked of me in the first place.   

You know I have volunteered to do something that is a wonderful thing, and I will be able to tell of Your goodness when I do this volunteer work.   But, I need MORE.   I feel that You have more for me to do.   You will have to open the doors for me, and You will have to soften my husband's heart so that there will be no tension between us.   And most of all, take this fear  and cast it in to the abyss!   
 
Lord, You HAVE taught me from my youth, and I DO want to declare Your wondrous deeds till I leave this life.   Show me the way.   And when You open the doors, then give me the courage to step through them in faith.   This is my prayer.   I love You.  I love You.  I love You more than anything and anybody.  You are my all in all.   You are all I want.   You are all I need.   Fill me, Lord.