I'm addressing this to Dave, but it really to all of you. Dave, While Bill and I are complete opposites in nearly everything about this journey one thing neither of us has ever asked is "Why me?" Why simply does not matter. It's Bill because even though he views it as a burden inflicted on him he can use what he's dealing with to talk openly to people about God. It's me because God knew I would accept it as a gift, a chance to spread his light in places I never would have been otherwise. Does that make it easier or less heartbreaking? Of course not. It's still watching the person I love slowly die. But we've learned to treasure every moment. Neither of us has felt abandoned for a single moment, we've been blessed in too many ways through this journey. To show you those I have to go back to the beginning. In December of 2000 Bill went off one afternoon for his yearly physical, no big deal, I expected him home in an hour or so. Only he didn't come, and didn't come, and didn't come. It was nearly six hours later when he finally arrived home. He explained that the doctor had heard something "funny" with his heart and sent him to the hospital for tests. (Gee honey thanks for calling me!) What he said next stunned me. At the end of all those tests the cardiologist running them said "You need surgery..it's not an emergency...but don't wait more than a month." OK, to me the words "surgery" and "don't wait" in the same sentence inherently constitute an emergency. LOL Blessing 1 - Big heart troubles caught in time! So we scheduled the surgery and began several weeks of waiting. In those few weeks I could see Bill really starting to struggle. I was relieved when the day finally arrived for all the pre-op labs and admit stuff to be done knowing in 24 hours he'd be fine. Only that was not to be. Just after Bill arrived back home from getting the blood drawn we received a call from the hospital saying his surgery was canceled because he appeared to have leukemia. They had already made arrangements for him to see an oncologist that same day. They drew lots of blood and took bone marrow biopsies. Then began the waiting. In those days the required tests couldn't be done in Alaska so it meant a minimum 2 weeks before we'd know anything. I could see Bill failing by the day. In those two weeks he went from tired but "normal" to unable to even walk from the bed to the bathroom without turning gray, gasping for air, and stopping to sit and rest. Can you imagine thinking leukemia irrelevent? I just wanted to scream "What does it matter if he has leukemia if he dies of heart failure waiting to find out?" I thought the doctors were insane! Everyone prayed unceasingly that he would be strong enough to survive the wait. Blessing 2 - the results came back leukemia, but not a crisis. With transfusions surgery was finally a go. Bill's heart lasted until just 5 hours before surgery before going into complete failure. He was rushed to the hospital via ambulance and easily revived. Blessing 3 - No complications or lasting effects! He was home in just a few days and feeling wonderful ...and he was PINK! LOL Then came a huge one, Blessing 4 - His leukemia had been caught at the very earliest stages! This type (oligoblastic myelogenous leukemia) is easily misdiagnosed and most people are near death before it diagnosed. Then it is far too late. Most people live less that 3 years once the disease has been diagnosed. Bill went 4 years before his even showed signs of progression! Once he did though he progressed quickly. Which brings us to ... Blessing 5 - Bill didn't become sick enough to require active interventions until 6 months AFTER the very first treatment for this type of leukemia was approved by the FDA! That first round of chemo wasn't so bad...certainly not pleasant...but there are far worse things. Partway through those treatments he had to be hospitalized...that was just plain AWFUL. Once again I was watching him fail by the hour with a team of doctor's unable to figure out why. Then we wound up in ICU with no one expecting him to make it, and people around the globe praying. I was starting to completely lose it, there is no more helpless a feeling than being surrounded by doctors shrugging their shoulders and saying "I don't know." Blessing 6 - a nurse named Kathy who saw how close I was to the edge and not only listened, but HEARD me when I told her was I was seeing. She followed her instincts and grabbed a passing doctor (who happened to go to my church) asked him some questions then got on the phone to Bill's doctor's and got all his treatments changed. The next morning when I arrived back at the hospital Bill was awake, alert, eating, and talking for the first time in 10 days! Over and over the same things have happened. God sending just the right things at just the right moment. We've no doubt that as hard as this road is we are held tightly in the Lord's hand and loved beyond reason. One of the greatest blessing of late is my new business. For several years I had a friend praying that God would send me a job. I knew I needed to be preparing financially and emotionally for the time when BIll is no longer with me. Since he is self employed all income disappears when he dies, and all our savings, ect has been eaten up by medical costs. But I felt strongly that working outside the home was not the right thing. Trading future security for time with my spouse just wasn't going to happen. Then one day I got a call from another friend who is CEO of a company I had long done volunteer work for online. He wanted to run by me a vision of turning the volunteer work into home based business opportunities! Turns out he'd started crafting the plan just weeks after I asked my friend to pray. THANK YOU GOD!! Things were set in motion during December and will be in full swing in another few weeks. Yesterday I wrote out my very first tithe check on money I earned from my very own business. I've never felt prouder, humbler, or more grateful for anything in my life. When I drop that check into the offering box on Sunday my heart will be singing joyous praises. I may sometimes stomp my feet, and yell at God for not giving me peeks at the map, but He knows me, he crafted me to be just exactly the ME that I am. I'm betting even then he smiles, chuckles a little and says, "That's my Gin, temper as big as her faith!" One thing I know for certain, God NEVER abandons us...WE abandon him. I shudder at the thought of this same journey without him ... NO THANKS! | 
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