Recently, my niece came to me and asked my advice on how to date as a Christian woman. I was so honored and pleased that she thought I'd be someone who could give her sound and godly advice. Well the long and short of her story is, she met a man who says that he is a Christian, and they were introduced by one of the sisters at her church. This sister asked my niece if she would be willing to meet someone, she told her that this someone was a good man who was looking for a good woman. She added that she had known this man for a long time, since they were children; they are "god brother and sister." So, my niece who as a rule does not do the whole blind date thing, agreed to meet this man. My niece's friend invited both her god brother and my niece to her apartment to meet. They had a lot in common and an instant attraction, since that evening they’ve been calling and texting one another. The guy is a little bit older than my niece, not much, but older, and he would probably be her first real relationship with someone who showed the fruit of being a real man. My niece, being the smart girl that she is realized this as well as realizing that she did not want things to go to fast. Also wanting to do things in a godly way, she asked for my advice about how to date as a Christian woman. I gave her what I know to be sound and biblical advice, and a few simple rules to go by. Then I told her to go and purchase "Juanita Bynum's book entitled "No More Sheets". In this book Juanita has a chapter entitled “Proverbs 31 Woman". In it she talks about "Seeing in the Right Light", which begins her teaching on Christian dating. She gives a lot of sound advice on how to date as a Christian, and especially as a Christian woman.
Well after speaking with my niece, I thought long and hard about what I knew about dating, and more on dating as a Christian. Let me tell you, the rules are not the same. THE RULES CHANGE DRAMATICALLY. It is natural for us to want to be with someone of the opposite sex. Even God said that it was not good for man to be alone, and because of that he would make him a helpmate comparable to him (Genesis 2:18). So in essence, it is meant for a man and a woman to come together in life, but they can only become one flesh in the eyes of God through the covenant of marriage. The question is, "How do we date until marriage becomes the next obvious step in our relationship?" Well I believe that we should date according to the word of God.
*Note this..."EVERY DATE DOES NOT END UP IN MARRIAGE, BUT EVERY MARRIAGE BEGINS WITH A DATE."
Unlike in the eastern part of the world, we here in the western part believe in dating. In the eastern part of the world, weddings and engagements are arranged by the parents and elders of the intended spouses, most times these arrangements are made while the participants are still children. I'm so glad we live in the western hemisphere (AMEN!), because I would not want my parents or anyone else picking out the person I am pledging to spend my entire earthly life with.
Back to the question, how are we as Christians supposed to date?
Start by delighting yourself in the Lord. The Bible says that if you delight yourself in the Lord, that he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). How do I delight myself in the Lord, you may be asking. By having a real relationship with him, and submitting your self to the authority of the Holy Spirit. You also delight yourself in him when you become obedient to what the word of God says; this is also a form of holiness and worship toward the Lord. Begin to live in him, just as Paul said..."for in Him we live and move and have our being..." (Acts 17:28)
Make a spiritual checklist. What I mean by this is, make a list of attributes, character traits, and even physical traits you want your potential mate to have. Be very detailed oriented, because God is into details. Also, your spiritual checklist should always contain the "Fruit of the Spirit" list from Galatians 5:22-25, "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."
Everyone who calls himself/herself a Christian should be exhibiting these fruits, or at least working toward them, and you should not want them as a mate until they are fully exhibiting them. Now you are ready to submit your list to God in prayer. Since the word of God says that if you delight yourself in Him, he will give you the desires of your heart, then according to His word, you are off to a good and blessed start.
Your list will provide you with a reference to compare potential mates to. After dating awhile (about 3 to 5 months), you will have learned some things about a person. You obviously like them enough to have been with them this long, but now is when you really have to start being careful, because by this time, if you haven't already, you can begin to develop some feelings of emotion towards that person. Now is the time to go over that checklist!
I say go over your list after about 3 to 5 months, because people can play the role of being Mr./ Ms. Right for about 2 months, and if they're real good, maybe about 3 months, but when it comes to that 4th month, playing the role gets old real fast. If the person you're dating has a few of the attributes on your list then he or she is not the one. Anyone can have the common traits that everyone wants such as: handsome/beautiful, nice, breathing...lol. On the other hand, if the person you're dating has all of the traits you desire with the exception of maybe one or two then, he/she could potentially be "The One". The exception of one or two traits is a good thing, because God puts people together who can build one another up in their areas of weakness. Whatever area he/she has a weakness in, that is probably the area where you are the strongest. you can be a help in building them up in that area, and vice versa.
Do not begin to date someone solely because of a physical attraction. You may be getting a prize on the outside and a monster on the inside. Sure, we all want to date a handsome man or a beautiful woman, but just be reminded that everybody has a flaw or flaws. We must watch and/or study the person that we have in mind to date, because for the Christian, everyone we date has the potential for becoming a spouse. Men should start by checking out the woman before he even approaches her for the first date. Then there is the woman's part. Ladies, we know when someone is attracted to us, we know the tale-tale signs. So the woman is interested, then she should do a little checking out of her own.
These are some of the things you need to know early on, and some of the things you should look for, or lookout for:
Is this person...
A Christian? Don't fool yourself by thinking you can change someone to fit your lifestyle, because you can't. The Bible tells us to not to become unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). When you came to Christ it was a personal decision, one you made alone, and so it must be for everyone else.
· Married or already in a relationship (serious or not).
T The DO'S AND DON'T'S OF CHRISTIAN DATING
Dating is fun, exciting, and flattering to both the man and the woman. It is a time for learning about a person while enjoying their company. Yet, if not handled correctly, dating can lead to sinful misconduct. From time to time I will refer to Jaunita Bynum’s NO MORE SHEETS.
One thing, before we get started. I want to say this to the ladies. The Bible says “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” So ladies, please don’t go out looking for a man. The word of God says that he will find you. Allow him to pursue you, it’s part of what makes him a man.
Timing is everything…
· Plan your first few dates for daytime hours. Daytime dates take a lot of the pressure off to be sexy, suave, etc…you can just relax and be yourself. There are more things to do in the daytime that will not be so romantically inclined. Remember, at this point you are barely friends. Keep it casual. Juanita suggest going to a cultural or educational setting, so as to keep the intellect stimulated and not the sex drive. After your first few daytime dates, you’ll be ready for your evening dates, because your daytime dates will have made you comfortable with person you are with. You will have gained some knowledge about him or her that should put you at ease. *It is normal to be somewhat nervous on your first date, but if by the second date you are still not at ease, you may want to call it quits right there. You should feel at ease with a person you are dating.
Dress casual
When in public, you should always try and look your best or at the very least presentable, and when you are on a date its okay to want to look a bit more special, but don’t overdue it. Sexy clothing and/or clothing that show too much skin should not be worn. In other words, “Don’t be out there showing all your business” as my momma used to say. Know where you’re going and dress appropriate for the date.
· Ladies, please do not overdue your makeup, hair, or perfume. Remember, he was attracted to the person he met before the date. Overdue the makeup and hair, and he may not recognize you. In addition, perfume worn lightly can be pleasant, but a strong scent appeals to a person’s senses affecting how and what they think, as well as affecting their behavior. Scentuelle perfumes and colognes send a chemical message to the brain that can actually heighten a person’s sense of romance. You want to draw attention to your personality and intellect at this point, and nothing else. He’s already shown he finds your physical attributes appealing; he’s out in public with you!
· Gentlemen, ordinarily the same rule for women would not apply to you, but some of you are dressing rather sexy and inappropriate as well. Men, women have eyes too, and can be turned on (for lack of a better phrase) just like you, by what you are wearing. So leave the muscle shirts and /or tight fitting clothing on the rack. As for the cologne, use it sparingly, for the same reason that the woman should.
· Ladies and gentlemen, you have a responsibility toward one another to help each other stay pure and holy. Let us act accordingly.
Conversation
Keep you conversation honest, holy and clean.
Do not talk about your finances. This is only your first few dates; this person does not need to know all your business.
Don’t jump right into talking about marriage. This is just a date, and you are trying to learn if you like this person enough to spend more time with him/or her. It is obvious if both of you are Christians that someday you hope to be married, but right now you don’t know if it’s to each other.
Never, ever, discuss sex! Enough said, and we all know why!
Also, you may not want to go into why your last relationship didn’t workout, etc…This is not about your last relationship, and if dating this person progresses, you will have time enough to have that conversation.
Treat the lady with respect
Ladies, you should always be treated with respect; there are no exceptions to this rule.
A man should always:
Come to your door to receive you, and if there are friends and/or family inside the house, he should meet them with no problem. This is a way of insuring he has nothing to hide.
Escort you to the car. This is a safety precaution taken by him on your behalf.
Have you home at a decent and appropriate time.
Keep his hands to himself, and not become overly affectionate on your first few dates. Or even after you have been dating for a while. A lot of touching and feeling can lead straight to the bed.
Respect your opinion, even if he does not agree with it.
Know and respect the fact that you owe him nothing, but a thank you after a date.
Ladies let the man be the man
Ladies do not:
Try and pay for the date unless both of you have made it clear that you are just friends and not dating. If a man who is trying to date you wants you to pay for your half of the date, then he has shown you he cannot provide for you. Move on!
Make fun of him for being chivalrous. Allow him to open doors for you, standing up when you enter or leave a room, or placing you on the inside of him, between the sidewalk and the street when you’re walking. All of these things show his respect for you, and his concern for your safety.
Potential mates should not:
· Talk on the phone after a certain time of night, let’s say about midnight. The reason for this is after a certain time of night your mind begins to slow down because you’re tired, and you are not on your spiritual guard. When you’re tired and not on your spiritual guard your conversation will go into places they should never be. You will begin to talk about things you should not be discussing.
· Be together alone in one another’s homes early in the relationship. This is an opportunity for the flesh to show up and show out. Do not make provision for the flesh. This is a good time to utilize your friends, and have group settings. You may think you can handle being alone with someone you have a strong attraction to, until you actually are. *Remember the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41).
· Continue dating if you find that one or both of you are hostile, and are prone or could have the potential of ever hitting. Violence of any kind is never acceptable!
· Say "I LOVE YOU", early in the dating process. You can’t instantly fall in love, no matter what you have heard. Love is not talked about, it's shown, and we demonstrate that love through sacrificing our own ways, wills, and wants, so that the person we claim to love can benefit from what we have given up. Love is not emotional, it is a choice. Love is not conditioned on circumstances, what kind of mood you’re in today, or how your day is going. Love is consistent, constant, and sacrificial. Knowing this, how can you say you love someone after just a few dates?
When you’re sure it’s serious
After dating for a period of time and you’re sure it’s serious, then it is time for him/her to meet your family. They also need to meet your spiritual leaders. Love is blind, but a fresh pair of eyes can sometimes see what you can’t.
Also, if you happen to be a parent, then you will want to start introducing your child(ren) to your potential spouse. Start going out on dates that include your child(ren) as well as fun and age appropriate. *This is time spent getting to know your potential son(s) and/or daughter(s), and them getting to know you. Be patient, children don’t always take kindly to someone they feel is taking mommy or daddy’s attention away from them. You will have to do a lot of praying, and reassuring the child(ren) that you love their parent and that their parent is very special to you, and because of that, you love them as well, because they are a part of their parent and that makes them special to you also.
Dating is simply a tool used for building on a foundation that eventually leads to love and marriage, if the foundation is found to be strong enough to endure the process.
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