What Kills her the most.... It was 3 am and she put her book on the night stand and walked into her small kitchen to get a glass of water. She sighed deeply and turned on the TV for some background noise hoping it would numb the painful fact that she was ALONE. As she drank her glass of water her mind started wandering. "God, I loved him with everything I had." The silence seemed piercing even with the TV on. The tears came again streaming down her face. She dropped to her knees and starting yelling out.... "God, If I lived that passionately for You would I hurt this bad?" What makes you think you weren't living passionately for Me? asked a still small Voice. "Because I planned my entire life in the ministry side by side with him! I can't do it without him, God!" She started sobbing louder. "I lived my life to be with him and now that he's gone all I've done is lived for the memory of him. I can't go back to my kids in the group because the memories of him there hurt too much. I can't sing with the band anymore because no one will ever be the drummer he was. I can't play the keyboard because it will never sound the same to me without him there. God, did I make him an Idol in my life because I never started my own ministry, instead I always worked within his?" "What makes you think being a helpmeet means you deserve punishment? Have you forgotten My word and My mercy?" "God, I can't go on without him unless I completely rebuild my life and right now I feel like I've just... I've just completely failed You because I'm not moving forward, I'm stuck here!" she sobbed some more and clenched a small pillow from her coach to her chest.
"I've completely failed You..." she collapsed to the floor and between more tears and heavy sighs she dozed off again.
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