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| Confessions of a Porn Addict, Pt. 2 |
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| My later high school years brought a return of old habits after I discovered a small stash of porn magazines under my parent’s mattress. I would take advantage of every opportunity to look at them and I soon memorized every curve, every freckle, every detail of the models featured in them. I also happened upon a couple of videos tucked inside a dresser drawer and a whole new world was opened up to my discovery. These were actual living, breathing, moving images and I found that sensations were heightened as never before. I was soon renting videos of my own and secretly watching them when no one was home. I found these activities to be a therapeutic release of the frustration and rejection I felt over being every girl’s friend when I was really longing to be their boyfriend. The women in the magazines and videos never said no, were always ready, willing, and able to fulfill my needs, and were always available. I think it was during this time that I began using pornography as a means of escaping from all the negative emotions bottled up inside of me. There is a sense of euphoria one feels after viewing pornography and masturbating and I became addicted to that feeling much more than the images themselves. The magazines and videos simply became a means to an end. By this time, I was masturbating at least once a day and was in a near constant state of stimulation. Add pornography to an already potent mix of teenage male hormones and you get a young man whose fantasy life was in high gear. Over time, the magazines and videos alone were not enough and I began engaging in risky behavior such as peeping on my teenage sister in the shower or hiding in her room while she dressed. Sometimes, I would enter her room at night and fondle her as she slept. If she was ever aware that I was doing any of these things, she never spoke up. I was once again crossing boundaries I knew I shouldn’t cross but I was fueled by a lust that was beyond my control. Near the end of my senior year of high school, I began dating a freshman girl. She was attracted to my sense of humor and nice-guy image but it did not take her long to realize there was a dark side to me. When we were alone, she was often overwhelmed by my sexual urgency. I was eager to practice the things I had seen in the videos and magazines and I put a tremendous amount of pressure on her to have sex. We were alone in my parent’s house one evening and, after an particularly intense “make-out” session, I tried to force the issue. I became particularly aggressive and did not immediately respond to her protests as I usually did. I was tired of being teased. Frustrated and angry, I was determined that I was going to have what I wanted. She became frightened and ran out of the house. I thank God that she did because, on top of everything else that I was (and am) that night quite likely would have also made me a rapist. Needless to say, we broke up. There were a couple other relationships that also ended because of my desperate need for sexual contact and the rejection drove me deeper into my addiction. Later, I would discover strip clubs, wonderful places where I could see and touch the objects of my desire up close and personal – without the pesky problem of emotional attachment. They became my personal utopia and further served to warp my sense of relationship with women. My perception that every woman was eager, ready, and willing to service my sexual desires was solidified with every sexy smile, every hot breath in my ear, every seductive bat of the eyes, every bump, every grind. I was young, horny, and had a wallet full of disposable income. Never mind that the latter was the only reason the girls treated me so good. It was a game I was willing to play – I’ll show you the money, you show me a good time. Shortly after graduation, I moved into my own apartment near my parent’s home and began a life of partying. Up to this point, God had been an active prescence in my life. I was a devoted member of the Mormon church during my high school years. I recall many a time sitting and listening to the bishop expound on physical purity and feeling myself growing smaller in my chair. I was wracked with guilt over the things I had done and promised God (and myself) over and over that I would stop. When I began to feel pressure to go on a mission, I left the church and began sowing some wild oats. My apartment was frequently filled with beer, drugs, and half-naked girls and I began turning to alcohol to drown out the trainwreck I was becoming. On the surface, I seemed to have it all together. I had a full-time job, a car, an apartment, and was enrolled in college full-time. Underneath it all, I was scared, lost, and riddled with emotional pain. Alcohol provided quick relief and I was drunk much of the time. I was able to stay straight-laced on the job but would get hammered within minutes of coming home (I learned how to shotgun beer so I could get drunk very quickly). I experimented with pot but never understood the appeal and stuck with alcohol as my drug of choice. My place was party central for all types of females who were also drunk and therefore easy targets of my inappropriate behavior. It was a hedonistic lifestyle that often provided real-life re-creations of even my most sexual fantasies. Although I was rarely directly involved, these blatant displays of public sex provided an outlet for my tendencies toward voyeurism and exhibitionism. God, church, & religion became the furthest things from my mind. |
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| To add a comment to "Confessions of a Porn Addict, Pt. 2" |
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| March 19, 2008 |
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| "God, church, & religion became the furthest things from my mind." This is definately a big chunk of my story. Thanks for sharing. |
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| March 19, 2008 |
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| God bless you brother. |
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| March 19, 2008 |
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| You may not directly see the fruits of your labor (of putting this down and posting it), but you are helping men (brothers) by your efforts and your courage. Echoing Cheryl, God bless you dear one! ~mike |
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| March 20, 2008 |
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Hope, Cheryl, and Mike -
Thank you and God bless you for your kind comments and support. It is a very difficult thing to admit to the world just how carnal and sinful I have been and there are times when I panic and think "What am I thinking putting this out there for the whole world to see?!" But, like you said Mike, if my story helps just ONE guy realize he is not alone and turns his life around by laying it all down at the foot of the throne it will be worth it.
Rick |
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| March 25, 2008 |
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I agree with DAVE...
"God, church, & religion became the furthest things from my mind."
this is my story too till i had to have help or lose it all
you are producing much fruit |
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