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| Abba Father Lord my God |
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Oh God, Oh God!
I am so sorry. Can you forgive me?
All the lies I once believed are staring back at me with evil glares. They have held me captive for so long, so long.... Now all I desire is to be held in Your arms and know You are there.
You said:
1:5Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, [and] I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.
You knew me before You made me! You knew I would make such bad choices, life destroying choices, and You chose to sanctify me anyway? You made me pure before I was born. This is just so hard for me to grasp looking back. How can it be that you let me come back to You and Your love after I have sinned against you for so long? How can You love me after everything I have done.
I remember learning your commandments as a little girl. I remember breaking one of Your commandments the first time. You said: Thou shalt not steal.It was just a fuzzy sticker, but the enemy said "Its, OK you deserve it, your mommy is just being mean." Which of course led to breaking a second one: Thou shalt not lie. Remember, I told her "I found it".
Then I grew older and did not follow in Your ways. I was already bad in my eyes, I thought I could find love. I believed another lie of the enemy, "you will feel loved". So I broke another commandment, Thou shall not commit adultery. We were not married.
You, in Your glory, then gave me a beautiful gift when I was younger. Back then, I heard the enemy again, "it is only a mass", and I broke this one: Thou shall not commit murder. I know now and have known for a while it was a lie. Even more so this week after picking my miscarried baby off the bathroom floor, I know Satan and society was wrong, it was not a mass it was a life. A Life that You knew Lord before you formed it.
For so many years Lord, I was lost and You found me. I should have died when I was flopping on the floor from that little pin prick. But you kept me alive. Why? When I heard Satan's voice asking me to come to him, I knew it was him and not the LSD. That night when I tried to die, you let me live. Why? You are Lord, and You still love me.
Then when I was so tired, I came to You. You said, "I forgive you, I love you." Then You said
16:24 Then Jesus told his disciples, "If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 16:25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
and then You told me
5:17 Wherefore if any man is in Christ, `he is' a new creature: the old things are passed away; behold, they are become new.
So I became a new creature and the metamorphosis began. Even when I failed as a Christian, You loved me. When the consequences of my sin took me to places I never thought I would be an as a Christian, deepest despair when I walked away and fell back to sin, You picked me up, brushed me off and stood me back up on solid ground. A prodigal daughter, and You still love me.
Even when I thought for so many years I was walking with You, I was still sinning against You.
You said:
12:30 and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.' 12:31 The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."
Jesus said these were the two greatest commandments, and Lord I do love you. But the second one was hard for me to get. I love my neighbor, Lord You know that! You know Lord I have put myself in danger more times than I should have by picking up strangers and trying to talk to them about You. You know how I have loved my neighbors, strangers, and friends. But Lord I haven't loved myself, that made that commandment hard for me to get. You know I have hated myself. I couldn't forgive myself. It has brought more destruction and depression than I can even describe. But even though You know that deep dark secret Lord, You still love me.
Its not that I believed I was greater than You, and my punishment was greater than Yours. Yes Lord, sending your only begotten Son to the cross was enough punishment for me. Its not that I didn't believe that I was saved. Its not that I was prideful or weak. It's not that I didn't believe Jesus' blood washed my sins clean. Its not that I didn't accept your forgiveness, I do. All I want to do is just to serve you Lord. But How can I do that when I am constantly fighting Your Spirit? My heart has been too sensitive to the sins of my youth, and it turned cold, bitter and unforgiving towards me. Then You taught me to forgive, even me because You love me.
I am tired again, Lord. Tired of being Judas or Peter. Lord I can't be Judas, because I love you and want to serve you all the days of my life. I know Lord, that you have asked me many times, "Do you love me?", like you did Peter. I do love you, Lord. And like Peter, it is time that I push past the shame and the guilt towards something meaningful. Something worthwhile like, Your purpose, Your commands, and Your commission; because you love me so much that you sent Your Son so I could live.
But Lord, If I could ask you one thing the rest of my days. I would ask if You would, in the name of Jesus, release my mind wholly and completely to You. See Lord I am ready to fight these chains of bondage of my past and sing for You, but the lies are sneaky.
10:4 (for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but mighty before God to the casting down of strongholds), 10:5 casting down imaginations, and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ; 10:6 and being in readiness to avenge all disobedience, when your obedience shall be made full.
So Lord, every thought is now Yours. In Your captivity. I believe You will show me the obedience I need to serve You. Someday, You will even teach me to "love yourself as you love your neighbor".
And I know Lord true joy is near because You also told me this:
4:22that ye put away, as concerning your former manner of life, the old man, that waxeth corrupt after the lusts of deceit; 4:23 and that ye be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 4:24 and put on the new man, that after God hath been created in righteousness and holiness of truth.
Someone once told me "you ain't got faith, till it's all you got". My faith is in You Lord, and that is all I have. I stand tall in the name of Jesus, knowing that You will change me. Hopefully, someday I will soar in the glory of Your presence.
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The EX Daily Word for March 19, 2008
"No Progress?"
Phil. 3:13 .......but this one thing I do, forgetting those things
which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are
before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of
God in Christ Jesus.
One of the worst feelings we experience in our walk with Christ is the
feeling of making no progress! You know the one......when you look
around and see the same bad decisions, the same negative situations,
always going back to the same stuff that messed us up before. It makes
you feel like you are at a standstill or sometimes even worse, you are
going backwards. God does not go backwards! When you are going
backwards and reaching for the stuff that was unfruitful in the first
place, you are not following God. If you are going back and finding
yourself in the same old fellowships with unfruitful works of darkness,
things that brought you hurt before, you are not following the course
God set for you. If it seems oh so familiar and it was hurtful the
first few times, why in the world are you doing it again? God wants to
move you forward, not backwards. Why would you allow the enemy to
constantly pull you into your past and stop your progress? Let go of
those silly things that brought you false security and grab hold of
your future in Christ. It's finally time for you to move forward.
And don't think about searching out your past hurts and trying to go
back into your childhood to find peace about certain issues and
situations. God never told us that the answer to our issues are in our
past hurts but the answers are in HIM. God can make a new creature out
of you without you ever revisiting the old hurts and pains of your
childhood or youth. Whatever happened to you is done and gone and all
you need to do is make sure you are not harboring unforgiveness or
hatred in your heart about it. Once you have forgiven and been
delivered from it, you can move forward and never have to go back and
deal with it again. I don't believe we should ever go back into our
childhood searching for answers to our grown up issues. Forget that
mess! Let God heal you in the now and work with who you are now! You
have been reborn and remade so your childhood is irrelevant at this
point. Trust in his power to move you forward in life and not go
backwards. If you want to progress in him, you have to keep moving
forwards. Don't let the enemy stop your forward progress by causing
you to revisit your past. You are healed of that, and God has
forgotten it, and you should be trying your best to live past it and
not with it! Then you will see the fruits of forward motion in your
life and be able to minister healing to your own mind and heart when it
tries to creep up again. Stay focused on your forward motion and don't
look back. If you keep looking back, you will never truly make any
progress.
Suggested Reading: Psa. 103:12, 2Cor. 5:17, Gal. 5:1,
www.exministries.com
©2008 G. Craige Works All Rights Reserved
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Good job, keeping your eyes on Him. I love you!!! |
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Beckey, I am believing God for you and your strength, keep your mind on him!
Luv Keith |
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| Becky....you are loved -- stick with that. |
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Deb |
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March 19, 2008 at 8:53am |
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| Isn't God amazing, He just keeps loving us through all the junk we do, and He keeps picking us up off the ground. I am so thankful... |
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Becky |
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March 19, 2008 at 9:37am |
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Keith - thanks for the EX word. They are appreciated. My strength today is only coming from Him. Every thought MUST be on His Goodness.
Coreena Yes Keeping my eyes on Him is all I can do, everything else fails. Love you too.
Mike - Thanks. You are loved too.
Deb - Yes God is the perfect parent! Thank you Lord! |
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| Becky, You are worth what God paid for you..... |
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| Ah Becky! How I love you........ |
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Becky |
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March 19, 2008 at 10:38am |
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Woman of Laughter - Thanks for stopping by. Bless you!
Paul - OMG... now the tears are streaming again. THANKS! yes brother we are as He tells us
139:14 I will give thanks unto thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: Wonderful are thy works; And that my soul knoweth right well.
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Becky |
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March 19, 2008 at 10:39am |
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Lara - Ooops Lara, you are sneaky. I love you too! |
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| God Bless you your LOVED!!! |
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Becky |
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March 19, 2008 at 11:55am |
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| Doyle your the best! Bless you too! |
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Cheryl |
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March 19, 2008 at 11:59am |
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Becky...I have picked my miscarried child up off of the bathroom floor too...you will make it. God is right there. Message me...
I love you |
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Becky |
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March 19, 2008 at 2:05pm |
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Cheryl - Thanks. I know in God I will make it.
You know it wasn't so much the miscarriage that hit me today as it was that fact that it would have been the same size as the babies I chose to abort because I listened and believed Satan and Society's great lies.
Following Him, I can learn to only hear, follow, obey Him and not the lies. |
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| Becky, that very horrific revelation you just mentioned, will be the very thing that will heal you. Believe it or not. sounds odd, but trust me. |
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Becky |
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March 20, 2008 at 2:09pm |
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Lara Isn't that just like our Amazing God. To take what is horrific, painful, shameful, and sometimes crippiling and use it for His Glory!
Praise be to the Lord, He healed me and set me FREE! All in a matter of hours if I trust in Him and run to him. |
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Becky |
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March 25, 2008 at 3:19am |
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| sometimes i feel like no one knows me but then i find out they do |
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Scotty |
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March 29, 2008 at 9:43am |
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| Somtimes, I feel the same Becky, there are moments I felt that I should not talk to Jesus because I have done so bad. I feel like no one wants to talk to me (rejected). Eventualy we do come around and cry out to friends and God. Then we see how the Devil lies to us. I thank God for all my friends and I thank God for His Mercy. You are very acceptable, You are very pleasing to God Becky. Don't let the devil trick you on that. |
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Kathy |
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March 29, 2008 at 10:04am |
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| A hug for you, Becky! God has forgiven all our wrong choices. The hard part is forgiving ourselves and allowing God to reform us into a new creation. He is the Potter. We are the clay, and we must be squashed back onto the potter's wheel, in order to be refromed. Patience, my friend. The transitions are hard, but the results are wonderful! |
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| BECKY, I WAS TOUCHED BY THIS BLOG. YOUR FORMULA FOR WRITING IS A GIFT, AND I BELIEVE THERE IS SOMETHING THERE FOR YOU IN THIS ARENA. KEEP PURSUING IT. I BELIEVE YOU WILL RELEASE YOU BURDENS TO THE FATHER BY WRITING. KEEP IT UP! LOVE YOU! |
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Col 1:13-14 "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
I love it when Paul uses the past tense to describe completed actions such as this. Do you believe, Becky? If so, embrace the redemption already realized, the forgiveness already granted. God has chosen to "remember their (your) sins no more" (Heb 8:12). This realization propels me above my troubles, I soar beyond the devil's snares! You can too!!! |
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