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| Dating, Going out, the works |
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So if you know me or if you spend any relative time around me, you will learn that I don't date. that is, that I don't agree with the whole, 'Going out' thing. Call me old fashioned and hang up your I-phone (actualy, you don't 'hang up' phones any more) but there it is, I don't agree with it. Before you dismiss me as judgementlal, sheltered, and self-abasive, let me show you Y I don't agree with it.
1) If your 'going out' with someone, you are exclusivly that person's. You are EXTREMLY limited by who you can hang out with. It is nearly impossible to be with or around anyone of the opposite gender withought raising suspicions or arousing unnesccisary jealousy.
2) If your 'going out', then your risking compromising getting to know that person for thier true self. To illustrate, if you are 'just friends', then when you hang out, you can see who htey realy are, what they enjoy, what the dislike, what thier interests are, how they react in different circumstances and situations. If you are 'going out', then for hte sake of immpressing your partner, people may put on false representatoins of who they are. they may (and probably do) act differently when around you, they may claim to like or to dislike certain things just because you do, and if you can't be or at least get to know someone as a 'best frined' first, then you will miss knowing a special part of who they are.
3) If your 'going out', your setting yourself (and your partner) up for huge immense heartache (most of you know what I mean by this), in three ways,
a. with every person you go out with, you give a part of yourself away.
b. with every person you go out with, they give a part of themselves to you
c. Over time, you can potentialy become very hurt, because you've stolen parts of other peoples hearts that you can't give back, and you've lost parts of yourself that you can never regain, by giving them to the wrong people.
So that's why.
Just so you know that I know what I'm talking about, YES, I have gone out before, and YES, I am speaking form experience, I know what I'm talking about.
In Christ
Ben
P.S.
This is just my personal opinion, but it is based upon scripture, so if you are going out, or are going to go out, then please realize it isn't a sin to do so, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that it is, Ihowever, I do believe that it is far wiser to remain faithfull friends for two reason, 1, if after when you are both older and ready for marraige, you still are best friends and want to pursue a serious relationship, then yay, if no, than at least you will still have a b3est firend for life, so it's awin win situation instead of a lose win situation.
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| To add a comment to "Dating, Going out, the works" |
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| March 26, 2008 |
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| =]] |
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| March 26, 2008 |
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| u made some really good points in this... |
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| March 26, 2008 |
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My parents have taught me that dating and intimacy are two different things. Intimacy you save for the person you are going to get married to and dating is how you learn how to be in a "committed" relationship. You’re right when you say, if you are friends with someone you learn a lot of things about them that you may not know if you’re dating them but, the same is true when you date someone. When you date someone you spend a lot more time with them which enables you to see a different side of them that is not shown in being just friends, believe me, I know from experience. Sometimes, when you date someone they can do and say things you never would have thought they would do or say if you were just friends. This includes jealousy ... are they a jealous person? But it also includes faithfulness ... are they faithful? Can you trust them, even when they are hanging out with friends of the opposite gender. All the way up to abuse ... are they abusive? These are things you would want to find out before you start thinking of marriage. It can take months to find this stuff out and sometimes it can take years. Even if you ask this person's good friends, his parents, or his siblings none of them would have any idea how this person is in a dating relationship. You never know how a person is in a dating relationship unless you date them. I know this from experience also (I think you know what I mean). I, personally have not given away any part of me other then what I give to my friends. I have saved everything that the bible says I am supposed to save for my future husband no matter what the price (I have paid a price for this in the past, but sometimes we do pay a price for doing what’s right, and I'm glad I found out before I thought of marriage). In conclusion…I feel it is best to see both sides of a person and find out who the whole person is before anyone starts thinking of marriage because otherwise would be a "waste of time". Anyways...I guess you are right...it is a "personal opinion". But I like your blog it makes people think. |
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| March 26, 2008 |
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| Good post....Just like many things...there's a right way to date and a wrong way to date. If you don't know how to do it....or you can't, because of temptation, do it the way it should be done, then you shouldn't do it. I'm not saying you would have a problem, but, I know there's many that do. However, if you are dating and have friends of the opposite sex, should you not hang out with them just because someone may get jealous, or be suspicious? I think the problem is the jealousy and suspicion, not the hanging out with friends huh? I'm not sure sharing yourself with others (giving a part of yourself) is a bad thing, either, with the right person, whether a friend or dating relationship, Is it really stolen, if it's given? I'm NOT talking about "intimacy", that should be saved for marriage. So...how do you know it's the right person? Well that's the thing, you don't unless you try. Will you get hurt? maybe. Will you hurt them? Maybe. But this is the risk with all relationships...even friends. Jesus's relationship with us caused him hurt, didn't he weep for us? Dating is something people do, like you said, it's not a sin, so those that can or will date the right way can be a Godly example for others to follow, don't you think? Thanks Ben, I can see you are trying very hard to do just the right thing. :-) |
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| March 26, 2008 |
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i agree with every last word.
very accuarte.
deeep
x] |
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| March 31, 2008 |
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| Ben, I like your style. No, dating is not a sin, but in our dating culture, it is very difficult for it not to turn into a sin. Friends and the relationship skills you gain from them will be valuable throughout your entire life. Bad choices with partners you will carry forever as regret. Few have the maturity to see the importance of this. I commend you! |
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| March 31, 2008 |
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Ben... great post! I can see alot of wisdom in what you have shared.... and having been a youth group leader in days gone by... I believe I understand intimately where you are coming from. If I may be so bold as to add: finding oneself in Christ, discovering one's worth in Christ, knowing who one is as a individual... walking in love and receiving it can be done without traditional dating, (dating which in some cases focus' on marriage as ones ultimate goal first rather than becoming who one is created to be married or not). We are created to love... mature love can lead to marriage... whether one dates or not.... and when one surrenders their will to Father... when one is called to be married... it will take place in due season, after HIS season of preparation.... whether one dates or not.
If I may add to your comments above by sharing from my own experience: I did not date my husband... life's circumstances, *which we could see the Spirit of the Lord was ordaining as it unfolded* brought us together... over and over... from 1988-1995. We found ourselves working and ministering alongside one another, with various people/circumstances of HIS choosing. Through such we found we were living a parallel spiritual life and becoming close friends. Neither one of us had marriage in mind, one toward the other. He was not looking to be married having had failed relationships through dating and trying to make things happen in his own strength; I sensed propheticaly I was being prepared for marriage... and was waiting on HIM to show me who His choice was for me as I was being healed from a failed relationship, one which came about before I was born again... and I knew to ask HIM for HIS plan in my life; a failed relationship which came about via dating and my wanting what I wanted. After this failed relationship I did not think I could ever love again. (As I opened myself up to a potential marriage, by way of knowing prophetically I was being prepared, Father told me to give HIM my check list/wants and desires for a mate, so HE could develop love in me for the man of HIS choice and make me into the person HE desired for me to be as their spouse, for HIS Kingdom sake. He had me pray for them in the interium as HE led me ever forward.) While He prepared my heart... HE taught me much about myself and relationships... life lessons the gift of friendship imparts.
Over the years, each circumstance my future husband an I found ourselves in together made us closer friends... we came to see the best and worst in one another and loved each other unconditionally in the love of the Lord... until HE developed mature intimate love in us one for another.... the type needed for a healthy marriage and spiritual journey together. By 1995, we knew each other well... and had become best friends. (When my hubby proposed, he said I had become like his right arm and he could not imagine life without me, and he could not think of anyone else in life he'd like to work life's problems out with, (fight with lol) than me; we both believed by then Father had put us together and had knit our hearts, in preparation for marriage through the processes we had gone through together/apart' since we first met.) In the beginning our hearts were knit together spiritually... then there was an intellectual bonding... as we became closer friends there was an emotional bonding... and through the grace of God... after we married there was a physical union.... a tender, intimate expression of our love. Intimate union is not just physical... it is also emotional and empowers one to love physically on a deeper level.
Emotional intimacy/maturity can take place through learned trust and earned respect and seeing the best and worst in another... via friendship... observation and more, as described idealistically by you above.... such an ideal can come to pass! Such happens female to female and male to male.... via the love of the Lord, without marriage as a goal, on one level. When marriage become one's focus... or goal having sensed it is time... it is important to have had learned through these earlier experiences. From my perspective to marry one's best friend... the one you know HE has ordained for you to share your spiritual/most intimate life/love with for a purpose HE alone knows will be, is a spiritual gift worth waiting for. We are very much in love... and know we are in HIS will... and this brings both joy and an abiding inner peace when life's circumstances are a struggle. Such empowers one to walk together as ONE heart.
As one grows through the union of marriage... the two truly do become one heart ... (influence each other ever more intimately, something you seem to have experienced to some degree via dating on a lesser level as described above) and for a believer, if one does not have a spiritual unon as their foundation, one is unequally yoked and influenced in ways which can bring about many fiery trials intended to bring such a spiritual union into being... through HIS extended grace and wisdom.
Since it was in our heart to be in Father's will... our spiritual union was more important to us than the immediate pleasure of a physical union or a marriage of our choice... for me the intimacy of a physical union is an expression of love... which can wait until the committment of marriage has been solidified according to HIS will. If I may add as a side note: My Father said 'If he truly loves you, he will be willing to wait'. My hubby said, 'The woman is the heart of the relationship. If it's in her heart to be physically intimate before marriage... she can be easily seduced by the man, who will try, because without HIS grace through the spirit of self control, such is what it is to be a man'. Some women give in because they feel if they don't they will loose the man they want to love and be loved by in return.... or because they are willing to be loved at any cost or because they were violated and have lost self respect or...... and some men take advantage of this... just because one is a believer does not mean they are mature and strong in the Lord. Some women I know who became intimate before becoming a believer, or before they truly found themselves/their own sense of worth and identity in Christ... have repented and see themselves NOW as spiritual virgins... and are seeking to hold on to their virginity in an effort to be in HIS present will and to find HIS partner for them.
Sorry this is so long... but sensed I was to offer all of the above for consideration, as different parts may help some more than others.
The only part of what you wrote I have a problem understanding was your line: "c. Over time, you can potentialy become very hurt, because you've stolen parts of other peoples hearts that you can't give b ack, and you've lost, much of yourself to people who shouldn't mean anything to you, that you can never regain."
Would you be willing to expound on that part: you've stolen parts Am sure it comes from a place of experience... and an example might help others to avoid such in days to come.
Again... great post bro... stars to you! May those of HIS choice find this post... bren
PS will read more of your posts later... am looking forward to it! |
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| March 31, 2008 |
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| Good post. |
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| March 31, 2008 |
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To 'holyspiritwithin'
The part that you mentioned oyu didn't understand I reread and then retyped so it made more sense. Here is hte revised edition!
c. Over time, you can potentialy become very hurt, because you've stolen parts of other peoples hearts that you can't give back, and you've lost parts of yourself that you can never regain, by giving them to the wrong people. |
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| March 31, 2008 |
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gotcha!  |
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| April 03, 2008 |
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ben, i totally agree with you!
this is my exact philosophy about
dating and yes i have gone out
once before and never will again
until i no that im at the point where
i am ready for marriage...i have
already made a promise to God
and to my dad that i'll keep myself pure
until God brings me that one special
person! |
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| April 03, 2008 |
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| Good for you k bear! |
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| October 10, 2008 |
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AWESOME!!! i decided not to date to..and its been working out good!..I agree with the statement that said that dating ..or "going out" just will set you up for divorce...basically you get really close and attatched, and when it doesnt work out..you just move on. I wear a purity ring to remind myself of the vow I made to my future husband...not only stay physically pure..but with everything in me, try to stay mentally, emotionally and spiritually pure for him...And its a bit hard to do that when your emersed into the whole dating scene..Good blog! |
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| October 11, 2008 |
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| Thanks Charity! |
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| October 12, 2008 |
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| No, thank you!...there is not alot of thngs out there that encourages the youth of today to remain pure...let alone to stay away from dating..so thank you for that! |
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| October 12, 2008 |
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| Wow, your welcome! Thank you for being so pasionate about purity! |
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| October 15, 2008 |
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personally,
i think that dating is a way to find out what you like and dont like in a future spouse.
making mistakes and getting hurt is okay sometimes.
thats why we have GOD to lean on.
it helps us understand what kind of a future husband/wife we want.
im not against you,
but i just dont agree with you. |
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| October 15, 2008 |
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Yeah, good for you!!!!
If you don't mind, Please join and encourage others too...I have dating information on my ministry site:
http://speakupministry.ning.com/
Excellent blog guy!!
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| October 15, 2008 |
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Harley: What an EXCELENT example you have given us of a peacful Christlike way to disagree with someone. You exeplified peace, love and respect, while still disagreeing and being bold and true to what God has taught you. IYou also got the main point in that though we may disagree on small little htings, we STILL ARE ON THE SAME SIDE spiritual. CHURCHES, PAY ATTENTION, we will always disagree on small things"baptism, worship music, minor thwological details, but we are all still on the same side PLEASE LETS NOT FORGET THAT! I applaud you Harley for peacfully agreeing to disagree.Thank you so much. All you others out there, take note, THIS is how to disagree peacfully! Good job Harley.
As to your point of view, I believe it's all in how you define, 'dating'.! : ) In Christ
Ben |
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| February 11, 2009 |
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| mmmm...i agree with most this post..but i think you put too much of your basis of not on what the person's feelings are about it, or your feelings about it, i think you should've put more emphasis on what God wants for the person, and put some of that scripture you were talking about and how it relates to your biased views....two, you need more examples, and because i know you, i know you have some good examples...i think it would be wise to rewrite this...not that its wrong, but the reasons in this blog are so...how should i put this....unreal??? just like, coming from someone who has been around the block quite a few times, it doesn't seem like you really knew what you were talking about at the time, and now i think you do. |
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| February 12, 2009 |
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| Thanks Tina, i will do that! |
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