I’ve had a lot on my mind recently.  I went back to the job I had for 3 ½ years, but left last year to try something new.  I went into sales, thinking I could foray my ability to ‘talk tech’ with people into income for my family, fixing some past financial issues that have plagued/followed us for too long.

It didn’t work.  Now, you'd think that'd be the end of the story and a happy one to boot, but it's not really, because the job I just left isn't happy with it.  But that's another topic regarding draws versus commission, me trying to square up by doing it part time, and other details.

Growing up semi-Catholic and fully messed up in other ways (lol), so much of my life and my mentality about things like worth and value is visualized to me like a check book.  You can only spend what you earn, and anything over you go into debt. 

There’s also the problem of being scared of what happens when the problems go away :

1. Is there something worse around the corner?
2. In wanting to submit to God’s will, what if it takes me into a worse situation?  Am I strong enough to deal with that?
3. Will I do the very human thing of ignoring God or getting soft in my prayer life when things are good?

That’s why I say “foul weathered friend”.  I am scared that I am only close to God because I am continually hanging on to the end of the rope.  It’s like I wish these problems would all go away and get fixed, but I’m scared that I will neglect my prayer life when I’m not in a crisis mode!  I don’t want to be in a crisis, but I also am scared of the crisis going away, because I need to learn how to praise in the sunshine, not just the rain.

Going back to my upbringing, everything was performance-based, and I still have so many issues in overcoming a legalistic/ earned salvation stance.

I struggle with the ability to put all in God’s hands, and realize that my prayers don’t get deferred because of past sins.

I struggle with feeling like my prayers aren’t as important as those of others.

I struggle with feeling like I’m ‘using’ God only when times are bad.  For so long now things have been in crisis mode with my stomach and mind in knots, I yearn for a time when I can simply praise God and not ASK for help with so much!

Friends, keep my family in your prayers and please comment.