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| Confessions of a Porn Addict, Pt. 4 |
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When I moved away, I was sent off with a handful of Dad’s porn magazines for company. They became my nightly companions as I tried desperately to ward off loneliness, boredom, and fear. I was still a virgin and the enemy actually convinced me that I could get a handle on my addiction if I were to just have sex. As if getting it out of my system would somehow lessen my desire. One weekend a former high school classmate came to visit me. I’m not sure what her motives were – she had always had a little thing for me and she was ok looking but our personalities mixed like oil and water. She was deeply religious and was often teased in high school for constantly using the phrase “Give it to God”. I took her to the local country bar where we hung out with a couple of fellow DJ’s from the radio station, linedanced, and drank pitchers of beer. I ended up falling off the wagon and getting pretty drunk. We made it back to my quaint little cabin where one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I had no romantic feelings for this girl whatsoever but that matters little when you’re wearing beer goggles. Although we didn’t have intercourse, things progressed farther than I had ever been. Of course, this physical intimacy did little to lessen my desire as promised by the father of lies. In fact, it had the opposite effect. I now had an actual experience to replay over and over in my mind and I was hungry for more. It was not long after that I entered into a whirlwind sexual relationship with my boss’ daughter. She was more experienced than I was and she was eager to tutor me in the arts of intercourse. Deep down, I knew our relationship was not healthy. Her father, my boss, warned me repeatedly to stay away from her and, a few months into our relationship, I learned she was also sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. But, I couldn’t let go. She was bringing every pornographic fantasy I’d ever had to life. Sometimes, when I was alone in the silent darkness of my room, I could hear God’s heart break as I turned my back on Him and abandoned myself to sinful desire. But, beyond that, I was desperate to fill the loneliness. I had begun experiencing crippling anxiety attacks shortly after moving away from home and I clung to the relationship to escape the fear that enveloped me. The relationship eventually took an ugly turn, I said some incredibly horrible things out of hurt and anger, and came to an end one dark night when her father confronted me with a baseball bat. I threw whatever belongings I could fit into my car and I returned home - broken, defeated, riddled with anxiety, and determined to straighten up.
A few months later, I met the woman who would become my wife. It was love at first sight for me and I was instantly attracted to her physically. She was a blond-haired, blue-eyed, tan & trim goddess in a Payless smock and I was smitten! As I walked away from our initial introduction, I turned to my buddy and stated confidently “I’ve just met the woman I’m going to marry”. However, I was still so wounded from my previous relationship, it took weeks for me to make a move. In fact, it was necessary for Crystal to hit me over the head with a brick before I finally had the courage to ask her out! We began dating and I knew immediately that this was the woman God intended me to spend my life with. My initial physical attraction to her turned inside and I felt myself falling deeply in love with her kindness, her gentleness, her courage, and her strength. The first test of this growing love came a couple of weeks into our relationship when she collapsed on my parent’s bathroomn floor. She was rushed to the hospital where she underwent an emergency appendectomy. I was beside myself with worry and fear, but this incident confirmed what we both felt. I proposed shortly thereafter, and we were married 4 months after our first date. I honestly believed being married would change me and, for a time, it did. Our sex life was awesome - as it so frequently is when you are newlyweds. My wife was very open-minded in the bedroom and was down for just about anything I suggested. It was not long before I introduced porn into our marriage bed under the lie that it would make our marital relationship even better. It does nothing of the sort. Bringing porn into the marital relationship only creates a false intimacy that will eventually drive a wedge between you. What seems so ridiculous to me now is the fact that, at that time, our only means of watching porn videos was a tiny little 8” black & white TV! We had no VCR of our own and would have to rent one from the Safeway store down the street. The fact that I was willing to go to all of this trouble just to “enhance” our sex life indicates the lengths I was willing to go to feed my addiction. In year two of our marriage, Crystal became pregnant with our first child. Although I was overjoyed by the idea of becoming a father, pregnancy put a damper on the sex life I was accustomed to. I soon found myself sneaking off to the local Plaid Pantry for the latest issue of Swank or Penthouse. So acute was my embarrassment over these purchases, I would circle the block until no cars were in the parking lot before rushing in with hard-earned cash clutched in my hand. If the clerk was female, no porn was purchased on that visit. If the clerk was male, I would quickly select a magazine and rush to the counter to pay for it before anyone else came up behind me. There was NEVER any eye-contact with the clerk and chit-chat was kept to a minimum. I would slink away, eyes locked on the floor in silent shame, sure that they clerk thought I was a sexually perverted deviant. I also began purchasing so-called “soft-porn” videos and watching them whenever I was alone. I hid my purchases in an old locking briefcase that I kept on the shelf of our bedroom closet. One day, my conscience could no longer bear the weight of my secrets and I tearfully confessed to my wife about those magazines. Her response was loving and reassuring – but, in her haste to be those things, I also heard her giving me permission to continue. My viewing of pornography did not seem like a big deal to her and I continued to skirt around the fringes of addiction even after promising to stop. |
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