She was sick today.

She was lying on the bathroom floor ,grateful it was cold and felt good up against her feverish face.

She had been vomiting violently since 3 am.

She was as weak as a kitten and felt disgusting all over.

The phone started ringing...*sigh* "Go away." she said in a weary voice.

The answering machine got it...

"Hey, you've reached Superman and his little lady's place, leave a message and we'll get back to you."

"Sweetheart, this is Mom, you really should think about changing your message on the machine...(awkward silence) well, uh, maybe it's okay to keep it...for just a little longer, I wish you would talk to someone...*sigh*...anyway...I  was just checking in, your father and I haven't heard from you in a few days...well, call me back dear, bye."

She rolled over flat on her back with her feet propped up on the bath tub trying to gently massage her tummy.

"Oh, God, I don't mean to be shutting her out but I just can't talk to her right now...she has too many of his pictures around the house and...she talks about all the good times we had and I just don't want to talk about it all sometimes."

Tears streamed down her face....she started getting nauseated again.  She quickly rolled over and thrust her head over the seat and her body jerked violently as it tried to rid itself of the bug.

After what felt like an eternity of pain she leaned back up against the bathroom door.

She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her head up against the wall.

More tears came.... she remembered the last time she was this sick. He came in with a tray of crackers and jell-o for her to try to keep down. He even stood over her and held her forehead so she wouldn't end up with a headache from straining so hard.

She remembered when he came down with it, she would hide in the other rooms of their apartment and turn on water so as not to hear him making gagging noises. Her stomach was too weak to handle even the sound of it.

She would leave crackers and jell-o at the door of the bathroom, tap on it and run away.

This was fine by him because he just wanted to be alone when he was sick.

She started to caress her upper arm muscles gently and very lightly, running her fingers up and down her arm. She caught herself and quickly pulled herself closer and started rocking back and forth.

She used to caress his hand like that and it was enough to make him fall asleep.

After a bit she pulled herself up and grabbed the mouthwash.

She soaked her face in cold water and decided to run a hot bath and turn on the heater so maybe she would sweat out some of the impurities and get rid of the bug faster.

A half hour later she had determined she was either getting rid of the bug faster or she was well on her way to dying.

Either way was a good outcome, she thought to herself.

"So".....said a small but dark voice...."You don't have enough faith to believe for the love of your life to live...hmm, why, it looks like you don't even have enough faith to keep from getting the flu."

Don't start this...she groaned.

She'd endured this type of  thing before..."You and I both know it's about having enough faith....the bible says he give each man a measure of it....that's all man needs...the key is operating in it and releasing it."

"Oh...some of that bible school talk...so, you have the faith but you choose not to use it?

I see..."

"It's not like that." she said feeling tormented to tears again.

"Just go away... leave me alone...you already took him from me and I can't work in the ministry because without him there is none! So just go away... you've crippled this servant enough."

The voice never spoke the rest of the day but her mind repeated the conversation over and over again for her, tormenting her even more.

It was enough to drive her past the sad and hurt of her mourning to the angry rebellious side of it.

God, I know I shouldn't blame you...but, why? Why all this....I'm here sick as a dog and you're allowing him to come to me in the midst of the rest of my pain? I have been faithful to just get up every day and press on and read your word that seems so empty to me... I have tried to stand firm on my beliefs but, you've got me questioning my own sanity.

"Ouch." she grabbed her head it was starting to spin again....