What a day! The demands of the work day overwhelmed me on this Monday. Combine that with the daily duties and privileges of a mother, wife, friend, daughter, granddaughter and child of the King... I want to be all of those things, yet, be “me” at the same time. I want to fulfill each duty with perfection, but I don’t even seem to make an acceptable rating on any of them. I want to be a good steward or caretaker of these blessings in human form that have been gifted to me. I want to make my God, husband, children, parents, grandparents, friends, students feel as though they are very special to me. I want to honor them in some way. I want them to know how important they are to me. I want to serve them. Yet, as evening approaches, I have an overwhelming sense of failure in those areas and quiz myself - “Name a way that you have done that today.” The answers are few and pitiful at best. After I beat up on myself for a while and crawl under the rock, I switch gears. “What about me?” (I hate that question!) How crazy is that question, coming from a born-again believer who has died to self? As I am writing this, I am thinking of all the “blog-comebacks” I would have for someone who just made that statement, but let me finish... A couple of weeks ago, my family and I went to Holly Beach for the day. (You knew this would turn into a “beach thing” didn’t you?) We took lots of cool pictures, had a beautiful, relaxing day with the Lord and each other, and collected seashells. As I was walking along the beach I was in the whole “what about me” stage and I stopped. I was no longer walking on sand, but on the tiny shells lined up along the shore. They were cracking and crunching under my feet. It is such a strange, but awesome feeling. I stopped because God wanted me to bend down and look at each little shell. I did just that and looked at the variety of shells that blanketed my path. Then He said “Even if it was only for you”. I was trying to figure out what he was saying, but I was having a blonde moment (yes, it’s dyed brown). I stood back up and looked at the shells again, then I saw the waves crashing in. I kept scanning the scene before me. With each snapshot my eyes took, He repeated “Even if it was only for you”. A small flock of seagulls landed not to far away. Their behavior entertained my husband and I, as we tried to move closer and closer. They eventually flew off. But still I heard Him say, “Even if it was only for you”. I gazed wide-eyed at the waves that formed in the distance and diffused before they ever saw the shore. Again He said “Even if it was only for you”. Okay, I’m not so good at the symbolic, but I was starting to get it. He wanted me to know that even if I was the ONLY person on this earth, he would’ve have still done it - the rhythm of the waves, the clouds in the sky, the birds for entertainment…and, of course…each and every shell for me to look at, hold, walk on. Wow! All “however-many” billion shells, just for me! Now, that’s letting someone know they are special! Then, He gently reminded me of Calvary - the pain, the agony, the humiliation, the moment of separation from the Father…Even if it was only for you, Angie, even only for you. So, I didn’t cook dinner tonight for my family (unless frozen pizza counts!), I spent about 3 minutes of quality time with the Lord, I didn’t teach bell to bell, I cut my son off in mid-conversation twice to answer the phone, I saw my husband for about 45 minutes and did not make sure that before he left, he KNEW that he was the love of my life, I didn’t really “listen” to my friend without thinking about “me” throughout the conversation, I visited with my parents for 30 minutes today and I talked nonstop, they couldn’t get a word in edge-wise. I haven’t seen my grandfather in a week or my grandmother in 2 months. Begin again tomorrow. The tide will be in tonight and most of the shells will get another ride in the gulf. Maybe they’ll end up in a better location in the morning…maybe I will too! But if not…it was never about me to begin with!
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