|
|
| |
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Confessions of a Porn Addict, Conclusion |
|
| |
By the time I graduated to Internet pornography, our lives had been turned upside down by the loss of our first baby, the birth of our second, and a third difficult pregnancy that resulted in the loss of one twin and the birth of another. The deaths of our children and the pressures of parenthood had exacted a toll on my psyche. The panic and anxiety attacks I had suffered from a few years earlier returned with a vengeance. I was also suffering from a deep depression and surfing porn on the Internet became a means of escaping the pain. Some people turn to drugs or alocohol when life becomes unbearable. My drugs of choice were porn and masturbation. Interestingly, I entered into psychotherapy but never once mentioned my addiction to pornography. I simply did not recognize the connection between the porn and my mental/emotional state. Porn was the CURE for what ailed me, not the CAUSE. My addiction took on a life of its own. I no longer had to slink around convenience or adult video stores. The porn came to me – right there in the comfort of my own home! At this point, I was primarily a stay at home Dad (primarily because I found it difficult to give up my porn surfing time for the productivity of employment) and I literally spent hours surfing endless streams of pleasure. Rather than spend time nurturing and enjoying my children, I detached myself from them in favor of the next mouse click. I would often become angry and yell at them if they distracted me from my fantasy world with such mundane needs as eating or diaper changes. It was not uncommon to find me scrambling around the house at the last moment, rounding up kids and cleaning them up before my wife’s expected arrival so as to give the impression that I had actually cared for them while she was away. I was becoming a hollow shell of my former self, concerned with nothing more than feeding my lust, checked out of reality in favor of ‘shooting up’ the next fantasy.
As I retreated further and further into my addiction I found that my viewing tastes were becoming increasingly hardcore. I would frequently seek out specialized sites such as bestiality or sado-masochism, achieve sexual release, and then become physically ill afterwards at the thought of finding such things a turn-on. I also began to frequent internet chat rooms and would frequently engage in cyber-sex with strangers online. Lord only knows who was actually on the other end of those conversations and, frankly, I didn’t care. It was through one of these sessions that I was introduced to a woman in California. Apparently, I impressed her with my ability to talk dirty and we exchanged phone numbers to facilitate our desire for “live” sessions. I began calling her nearly every day for phone sex. Sometimes I would engage in these conversations while my wife sat alone in another room. I began to think that I was in love with this woman and I often told her so. We were working out the details to meet in person when my wife dropped a bomb-shell that nearly destroyed our marriage.
I thought I had been hiding my activities pretty well. Turns out she took note when I would quickly turn off the computer when she walked into the room. She noticed the long distance calls to an unfamiliar number on the phone bill. She had plenty of time to ponder what was happening as she lay in bed all alone late at night while her husband surfed the Internet. And, most devastating of all, she had overheard me tell another woman that I loved her. It was this last revelation that pushed my wife into a desperate act that I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to forgive herself for. It was also a wake-up call that my actions were far more damaging and far less innocent than I imagined them to be. As strange as it may seem, our marriage was saved that day because I understood for the first time the depth of hurt I was causing her. I know my wife and I know that hurt had to run very, very deep for her to make the decision she made. Could her pain have been expressed in some other less drastic way? Certainly. But, at the time, it was the only way she knew to cope with the feelings of betrayal. It was a catalyst for change in my behavior because I never again wanted to be the source of that kind of pain in her life. That episode was followed by a long period of personal purity. I installed filters on our computers, cancelled our cable television, and will-powered my way through temptation. I found, however, that this approach can only work for so long. We have a limited ability to win victory over sin without God’s assistance and I found myself once again sliding back into old habits. A spiritual battle was being waged for my soul and I was completely unarmed. I was battered, bruised – a full fledged member of the walking wounded. My wounds felt fatal and I knew I needed to be saved from myself before it was too late. By this time, we were actively involved in the Mormon Church again, after years of inactivity. I realized I did not have the power to heal myself and I turned to my bishop for help. A tearful, heartfelt confession resulted in a few words of reprimand, advice to “stop doing what you are doing”, and a period of probation during which I was stripped of any privilages I had as a member. There were no words of hope, no explanations on how I could reconcile myself to God. Only words of condemnation. Because a Mormon bishop is understood to be a representative of Christ, I felt like I had just been rejected by the Lord Himself. Worse yet, as I began to speak with close friends about my struggles I found myself becoming a social outcast in a church that prides itself on its sense of family. In a time I most needed the love and support of the church body, I was cast out and left alone. I believed the message was loud and clear: You are no longer good enough for us. Therefore, you can never be good enough for God.
I rapidly slipped into a cycle of depression, which led to acting out, which led to guilt, which led to deeper depression. Perhaps some of you can identify with this pattern. My desperate prayers seemed to go no farther than the ceiling. Bitterness set in and I felt completely isolated from God. I despaired over my hopeless state and thoughts of ending my life once again crept into my consciousness. It was not until I left the Mormon Church and found a Bible-based Christian church that I realized I was not only worth saving, but the work had already been done for me. As a Mormon, I was lost in the belief that I had to earn salvation. I shed tears of joy when I finally understood that salvation is freely given through God’s endless grace and mercy. My Heavenly Father loved me for who I was – warts and all. I did not have to knock myself out trying to achieve unattainable standards of perfection. Through the cleansing blood of Christ I am justified in the eyes of the Father. Over the last several months, as my relationship with Him develops, I have come to see God not as an impossible to please disciplinarian but as a doting Daddy who wants the best for His children.
The first step to my recovery was to admit my powerlessness to overcome my addiction on my own. God is in control and it is His power that sustains me. Trying to defeat this monster under my own power will only result in failure. Many times, I was determined to change but there was one thing missing – God.
I am a work in progress. I have joined a local Celebrate Recovery group for men with sexual addiction issues. I attend meetings twice a week, check in with accountability partners, and have an excellent sponsor helping me through the recovery steps. As I work the steps, I realize that I have spent my whole life using porn to cover up father-hurts that were inflicted throughout my life beginning with abandonment by my biological father. I have a lot of reprogramming to do as I attempt to clean the hard-drive of my mind and overcome years of negative thoughts and perceptions about myself as a man, son, husband, and father. It is a daily battle to manage my thought life living in a society that sexualizes nearly every aspect of everyday life. I cannot turn on the television, open a magazine, drive down the freeway, or step out my front door without seeing something that elicits an unwelcome response. And, I’ll be the first to tell you, that response has a hair trigger. However, I know that God will complete this good work He has begun in me and my past will be used to glorify Him. There is a “Genesis week” taking place in me. Just as God created something beautiful out of nothingness, just as He replaced the darkness with light, He is creating something beautiful out of the ugliness of my life, replacing the darkness inside me with His light. I trust in His plan for my life and have peace in the knowledge that His love for me is unconditional. I praise Him for what He has done, and will yet do, with my life. Addiction told me I was worthless – Christ tells me I am valued. Addiction told me I was hopeless – in Christ I am hope-full. Addiction told me I was guilty – in Christ I am guiltless. Addiction told me I was insecure – in Christ I have security. Addiction told me I was shameful – Christ tells me I am shameless. Addiction told me I was a victim – in Christ I have victory!
Be blessed.
Rick |
|
| To leave a comment or start your own blog: |
 |
or |
 |
Already a member? Login |
|
|
|
|
| Thanks for the testimony. My addiction to Porn pretty much stole my real family by replacing it for fantasy. And then Shame replaced my Dad. Once again thanks. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
back to top
