I haven’t really been giving dating any thoughts lately, because I have been waiting for the divorce to be final. It has been a very long time since Michelle moved out (Dec 27th, 2005), and I’ve been basically finding out who I am.

I would definitely say that life has been financially easier for me since then, even though I let her just “take it all”. I have had to repurchase just about everything to run a household, but really that is no big deal. I am not one that needs “things” to be happy.

My life is much simpler now, even though there were some things that I had to just get over. It was tough to be with a person that didn’t know how to just be happy. I learned that you can do everything for someone, and if they can’t be happy, it will frustrate you and make you do things that you regret.

I don’t have any anger towards her, and it isn’t even a temptation to be snide towards her when I hear her still complain about the same things that she blamed me for. Yes it hurt to be told that she “could do and deserved better”, but love will never say “I told you so”.

I am learning that.

After she moved out, I tried to date, but I wasn’t ready. All I would do is compare a girlfriend to how I was treated before, and that wasn’t fair to anyone. Plus, I really didn’t need to be dragging my girls through some mid-life drama because I wasn’t ready to date, and also while I was still legally married to their mom.

They would tell me to date. They wanted to see me with someone who made me happy, but I have to do what is right. I had people tell me to date, and try to set me up, but I had to be ready. I had to fix me.

I have always been the marrying kind of guy, and I hate being alone. I don’t like going to bed by myself, and I really want someone that I can do things for. I want a help mate that shares my visions, and doesn’t have to feel that they have to change who they are, to make me happy. I want someone who seeks to make God happy first (not themselves and not me).

I have been praying that the Father will just tell me who He wants for me. He knows me better than I know myself, and He knows who I need. He knows who will compliment me, and who I will compliment. So I have been doing other things till then.

I got a few emails the last couple days, and they got me thinking. I don’t “go out” much, because it hasn’t been a big priority to me. I went out with a friend quite a few times, because I felt she was “safe”. I have had so much fun just being able to talk to someone, without any drama.

I have a feeling that we both have these walls up, and that has been a form of protection. We just went to eat, talked about Life, Love and Faith, and I need that. I didn’t want any drama to cloud my mind, and these walls have kept it at bay.

Anyway, back to this email… This email offered me hope of closure to several things in my life, and as I responded to it, I thought about the protective walls that I had set up. When I go out with people, I make it a point to tell them up front that I wasn’t going to pursue anything deeper until the divorce was final.

I figured that if I said that, and they walked away, then fine. I was upfront and honest, and wouldn’t lead anyone on. I am not going to hurt anyone. Anyone who knows me, has heard me say that quite often, and most everyone agrees and supports me.

Oh… that email… As I responded to it, I thought about someone in particular and said this…

“She trusts in Jesus, and goes to church.

She thinks computers and the internet are a waste of time.

She teaches children at church.

She has a ministry, and we can talk about Jesus endlessly.

I told her that I was waiting for my divorce, and she respected that.

She is open and honest, even if it reveals a bad side of her.

I could go on…”

As I have been thinking about this list, I realized that I need to lower the walls. The last thing I want is to let walls of protection become walls of a prison. I think that I am finally ready to “date”, even though it scares me…

In High School I never dated, because it scared me. I had so many crushes, but I let fear keep me from doing anything. I think dating is over rated, and really you have to be in a position to love people for who they really are.

I don’t want a relationship with someone who forgets I exist, or rips me up when they are moody. I don’t need a girlfriend for “having a girlfriend”s sake, and I don’t want someone because I don’t want to go to bed alone either. I don’t want to date someone who will compare my every move to their ex, I lived with that for years, and no one should go through it.

We as a society place way to much value on pseudo-marriages. We date till we are frustrated, break up, and move to the next one. We have proms that are fake weddings, and give away parts of our lives to everyone, while saving nothing new for our future spouse. I believe faithfulness in marriage, happens before marriage…. call me an idealist, but I wont go there.

I need someone, that the Father knows will go with me, where ever He needs us to go.

I received a word from a ministering couple about a month ago, and it went like this…

“Don’t be in a hurry, Don’t be in a hurry, Don’t be in a hurry

Because the Lord’s building character in you

The Lord’s building character in you, and that takes time”

When I first heard this, I prayed as to what it meant, because it applied to many areas of my life. I wondered if it was for a ministry, work, getting things for my kids, or whatever. I wondered what “character” defect God needed to fix, and I prayed and gave Him full permission to do what he needed to do.

It dawned on me that this word was more of a confirmation of how I felt about dating. I didn’t want to hurry, and I knew I needed work, and God was simply helping me to close off some of the doors that I had left open. I can begin to see that a certain door is opening up for me, and He will reveal something soon that is life changing.

I have started to tear down the walls that have been keeping me from positive relationships. I think it is time to start building a new place in my life to hold for what God has for me. I am so grateful to my Father for preparing a new life for me, even though I stopped seeking it.

Many times my Lord saw me stuck in “a rock and hard place”, and he lifted me out of it, in many ways. He revealed so many things to me, and confirmed them more than once. I am ready for the next step, and will take it when the time is right.

Thanks again Jesus, for your willingness to save me…

Thanks Father, for lifting me up, so that I can lift you up…

Thanks Sweet Holy Spirit for being there 24/7…

I am ready