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Here I am.U all know( who have read my last 2 blogs ) what ut is that I'm going thru right now.There r issues that I am dealing with because of the abuse that I went thru.They r just too painful for me to bear.I would rather die then to have ppl think of me the way that some think of me.That because of the abuse at the hand of my mother that I would som,eday do what she has done to me.
I knowing what it is like to be raped and molested wouldn't do that to anyone.Because of the abuse and the things that have come up lately (visiting my mom at the hospital).It has all become too much for me.I've been having flashes of doing things to kids that i don't want to do.This bothers me in such away that I can no longer live with myself.I have removed myself from the toddler room as to protect the children.I do not wish to hurt anyone.And to keep from hurting anyone the way I was hurt I would rather die first.
I have gone to mental health for help and have told my counsellor the exact nature of the flashes in my mind.I have not acted on these things nor do I want to.I am afraid however that I may do something stupid.Seeing as ppl from my church have known what I have been going thru and no one seems to care enough to call or come over to see if I'm ok.(I'm not talking about u Lara). What's the point in going on with this anymore?
I don't want to die I just really don't want to hurt anybody ok?I'd rather die knowing that no one would be hurt then to hurt someone.
The pastors say it's not their job to counsell us in these matters.Then who's job is it to help us with these matters.They told me to keep going to mental health.That is once a month or 2 months.How is this helping me?Ppl in the church ignor me all week and on Sunday I have to approach them to say hello.This isn't right.When u know how lonely someone is in the church and that they r going thru a great deal they should be checked in on.
All I know is that if I take a bunch of pills tonight (which is my plan) no on will even know about it.My moms in the hospital and my dad is taking care of her.My brother lives in Toronto and can't even be social with me cause I confronted my mom about the abuse.
So to be honest I have nobody that cares if I were to die tonight.I bet that they'd all say good it's about time she did that.
So here it goes. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Suicide isn't the answer you're looking for. Jesus is waiting for you precious one, tell Him everything out loud, confess it all & be still..He will be your answer. Love in Jesus coming your way & supplication being made now, LM |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Maddie, please do not throw away your life based on someone else's perceptions or flaws. You are in pain because God is helping you to work through some really horrible experiences. You are right to avoid the children while you are working through all of this (please please do), and you definitely need to continue with your therapy, but please, please don't give up! Blogging is a good outlet. Keep on writing, and we will be praying with you about your struggles. You are God's child, Maddie, and He wants to see you well.
Many on MyChurch, including myself, have written about very low times in our lives. They can seem unbearable, but with time and God's healing, life gets better, and God is able to use those bad times for some good.
I am praying for you. Please do something for me, Maddie. Go flush those pills right now. If tonight is the hardest time to get through, you need to do that much, to assure yourself another day. Please listen to me, Maddie. You matter. You are someone special. You can get well!
Big hug |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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There r times that I wish I could cry and get it all out.But it hurts too much and I feel alone too much.Ppl say they care at church but no one calls or checks on me.I'm not a child molester.I have no desire to hurt anyone.I just want the pain to stop.
Ppl say to let God heal me to let Him love on me.How do u do that when u feel like He's the one raping u?That getting too close to Him will hurt me.
Whenever I let the wall down to let Him love me I get scared and can't do it.I end up selfmutilating myself.I mean cutting and abusing myself sexually.No one here cares if they did there would be someone to talk to up here.I miss my best friend she used to be a christian.And she use to care about me.We both wne t thru alot and helped each other thru alot.She has no phone# now and doesn't serve the Lord.She doesn't even live where I live anymore.
I'm tried of hurting and tired of being alone. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Maddie, loneliness is so very painful. I am sure your church cares for you. Unfortunately we do all get caught up in our lives to the negligence of so many hurting people around us. For example, how many hurting people have you reached out to this weekend? You and I are caught up in our own concerns, just as everyone else is. That doesn't mean they don't care, but it does mean that we need to find self-value apart from what others can give us. God wants to heal you and then to use your life powerfully to help others. You may be the only one who can understand some people's pain. Please read my Surrender blog AFTER you flush those pills, and I'll be praying for you as you read. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Mattie your are a child of God and He does care and so do I and a lot of other people here on mychurch care also, you cannot let the things in the past take control then those things win I know you cannot do this alone that's why when you feel those urges call on the name of Jesus call a friend, please promise me you will not do anything to yourself that your God would not approve of, Mattie I want to send you a tape call storms can you send me your address & phone number, no I cannot say I know how you are feeling but I had hurts in my life but with the strength of my God through Jesus I had a break through and you can too.
Please send me your number ok
Love U |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| The Truth in Love is, that you're going to continue to be disappointed until you make a different choice. You're going to have to fight through this fear (which is deeply rooted) and go to Father. You've been told a great lie, to believe trusting Him will hurt, when you have not yet done so. It is time to go to HIM now Maddie, because the feelings of "acceptance", (leading to a seeming comfort), that you may receive from any other, will only be fleeting and actually prolong the healing you need, which can ONLY come from Him. ((u)) Try Him...just try Him. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Maddie, pills aren't the answer......living is the answer. God created you for a purpose and you've been through alot and if you take those pills, you can't fulfill His purpose. He loves you!!!!!!! Please do what Kathy said, and flush them.....do not let satan win. I'm praying for you. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| I have been where you are in a sence and I know how painful it is to have the flashbacks and the posttramtic stress disorders kicks in as well. I use to worry about what everyone else thought of me as well and through the love of our heavenly Father I have been able to walk through and face much of these issues and have loss the fear of what others thought since I have become more comfortable in my own skin. God knows our hearts and He is the one to heal us. My father committed suicide on Feb 3 of this year and that is the most devastating thing that I have had to face. I know how it feels to want to die,but Thank God He showed me that He had a purpose for me in life as I know He has for you as well. I am here for you and I lift you up to our Heavenly Father and ask Him to Heal you and protect you from satan's lies. Those are lies and I command them to get out of you NOW!!!!! I cover you with the Blood of Jesus. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Maddie, was that a flush I heard? :) |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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I went through some horriable things in my life. I have been abused phyically, mentally, and been rapped. I went though much more then I am going to mention. I used to think God hated me. I thought God wanted me dead and allowed all these horriable things to happen to me because I was cursed and He didnt love me. How could God love someone like me? But God loved me enough to reach down and touch me and healed me completely. No my healing did not come over night but over a period of a long time. I wanted to die. if it wasnt for my children, I would have killed myself. I told God how I felt more then once and God's mercy and grace came down one day then God moved on me and healed me and I know that God can do the same for You sis. Just keep reaching up and let God move. I know it is hard to let go of all the anger but sis that weight is awful but once you let go that wieght will disappear. dont account on no one but Jesus. Jesus wants you to be healed because You have a powerful testmony if you just let God heal and move in You. let God reach down and comfort and bring you peace and joy to you.
Theresa |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| I understand it when you say you feel like God is the one doing something to you. recently my dads car cot on fire and a week before that our land cot on fire i know that this is not as big as wat your going thrwe but it made me scared and it felt like it was all gods doing and i could not even sleep. i'm still working threw how God sometimes lets things in our lives that really stink. But, i know he loves me and has a hope and a future for me and you. you were made for a reason and and some time ppl are rude. but say there is a little girl going threw the same thing and there is no one to talk to and she finds you and you help her threw it the thats a life you may have saved god loves you your awesome |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| ok Kathy ok.Yes the pills rn't there anymore. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| YAY! PTL! And all God's people said . . . |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Maddie, so many have already said such encouraging things to you. I can relate to your wanting to end it all. I have dealt with times in my life where I have felt the same way--so isolated and alone. All I can tell you is that God has walked me through everytime. Even when I have been so angry at Him that I wouldn't pray-- unless I count yelling at Him. He has big shoulders, He can handle our anger. Here is one of my favorite scriptures to get me through difficult times:
15 For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. 16 Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God's unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it]. I love this scripture because it reminds me that He understands and even when I am a mess He still wants me to come to Him. Please know I am praying for you. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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AMEN!
a hug for you, Maddie |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| ...... |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Hallelujah!
Maddie, I know you have had a lot of people tell you different things to do here. They are right that the healing starts when the pain is great. Find a way that you can help other people - not just looking for counseling, but an outlet to help others who are hurting. It will help you put your pain in perspective with His healing. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Maddie. God loves you so much. He cries when you cry. He aches when you ache. He feels your pain more than you know. I know what it is to be abused. I know what it is to scream at God and say why me! But oh my dear sister in Christ, God is so full of love all he wants to do is hold you in his arms... I ask that you not be afraid to reach out to Him. To ask him to embrace you. To cry on his arms. Let Him take the burden you have for He will. Just sit and open your heart to God. Take the step that will cleanse your soul and give you rest. My brother committed suicide in 1979. I am sure he felt that no one would miss him...but I miss him every day. His son, now grown, misses him. It destroyed my parents. My father never was the same. My mother lived with the discovery of him. I just ask you not to do this, for the people you leave behind will be in more pain than you are feeling right now. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Praying for you because I have been there and I understand the pain you are in... -- Jade |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Kathy I wrote the other 2 blogs hoping that it will help someone else thru it.I thought that by sharing my story on here in the other blogs if I could just help one person.Then it would all be worth it.I know it seems like I'm focued on the negative and that nobody loves me.I do care about others and what happens to them.I don't want to hurt anybody.That's why I was thinking of taking all those pills to end it.I don't want anybody to suffer like i suffered. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Hey little sis: You are Loved!!!!
Besides you have to keep me straight on facebook and on MyChurch! Look at all the brothers and sisters here on myChurch here for you and love you! Our Father in Heaven place them here for you because He loves you so much!
Sister don't hurt yourself because that would hurt me and all that love you! 46:1<To the chief music-maker. Of the sons of Korah; put to Alamoth. A Song.> God is our harbour and our strength, a very present help in trouble. 46:2 For this cause we will have no fear, even though the earth is changed, and though the mountains are moved in the heart of the sea; 46:3Though its waters are sounding and troubled, and though the mountains are shaking with their violent motion. (Selah.)
18:2 The Lord is my Rock, my walled town, and my saviour; my God, my Rock, in him will I put my faith; my breastplate, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
11:28 Come to me, all you who are troubled and weighted down with care, and I will give you rest.
27:14 Let your hope be in the Lord: take heart and be strong; yes, let your hope be in the Lord.
I leave you these word of Comfort and let you know we Love You!
Blessings,
Bro. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Hang in there. You can get through this. Just like you beat that desire this time to quit you can beat it again and again. Your life is not over. God can change everything you hate. You have a lot of wounds that need to be healed. You need some genuine love. Just don't give up, you just saw how many people responed to your cry for help. You are not alone. Yes it hurts and I can't say that it won't stop hurting right away, but I can say, that just keep reaching out to the Lord and to those who you beleive love and care about you. You will look back on this and will be glad you decided to stick it out.
Hugs and Prayers. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Maddie, I am sure your blogs are making a difference. Sometimes those who are most in need of our words will never leave a comment to let us know. But God uses all we have been through, good and bad, for good, when we offer it all to Him. You have so much to offer.
I agree with voice_in_dc that when I am most down, the best way to get up is to concentrate on others who are hurting and how I can help them. I am praying that God will help you to visualize the you you want to be in 5 years, and to show you how to start working toward those changes. (I have done this many times, and God is faithful!) |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Just another encouragement to turn away from the computer & go before Father. All that is coming up within you now wasn't pretty going in & it won't be pretty coming out, so if kicking & screaming at/to Him is the way you push against the fear & pain, then do it. In the moment when I decided to do that very thing, to get away from everyone/everything (because no one can fix what's wrong, except Him) I let Him have it, violently, & in Truth, that was the very first moment in my life, that I KNEW what the word embrace meant. You won't find what you're really looking for in people, all of these here including myself, can offer Love & encouragement, but at the end of the day, everyone here, is going one-on-one with Father ALONE. Try HIM..He is waiting. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Guys I was going to take a bunch of my prescription pills but I chose to put them back in the bottle thanx guess for the help. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Good for you! You are loved. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Amen, you flushed the pills!!!!! Maddie, this is a valley you're going through, as stupid as it sounds....it's in the valleys where we grow.
You talked about feeling like you have no one.....no one who is there for you.....Maddie? Can I ask you to do something? Think of how you are feeling now....there are alot of people in this world and even just in your area that God put you in, who feel that deep pain and are looking and waiting for someone to say, "I've been there and I overcame with the help of God".....God has a reason and purpose for your life.....it's not for anyone else, just for you. Please think about it, pray about it, we'll pray with you and ask God to lift you up, give you strength and use all of this for His good. God is good and faithful Maddie, He'll use your life in a wonderful way, if you allow Him to......you can be an overcomer, a shining light to others that God is going to place before you.
No, you can't do this alone, but you are definitely not alone.....God is with you and we're with you.
Father God, I lift Maddie up to Your throne, now, asking that You heal her pain, heal her heart. You and You alone, Lord can do this. Father, show Maddie that she is a beautiful person, that You created her and she is special, unique and let her feel it, Lord. Bring laughter and joy into her soul Lord. Show her Your purpose for her. Wrap Your arms around her, Lord, and love on her, for she is Yours. Thank You, Lord, for answering the prayers for Maddie, for we know You and You only are faithful and we trust You. In Jesus' precious name.....Amen |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Maddie, I've been out town and just got back and saw a lot of memos for Maddie so off to your site I went and I thank God I did.... The love I felt from you friends here on mychurch was beautiful... I just wanted to add that I too care and will be praying for you... I will be sending you a friend request and hope you accept. God Loves You and so do we!! |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Oh Maddie - Thank God - I am sooooo proud of you!!!! Love you my sister!!! |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Thanx guys for all the help.I am talking to God and letting Him know how and what I'm feeling. |
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| May 10, 2008 |
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Hi Maddie - You don't know me but I have been reading what you have written and what the other sisters and brothers have been writing to you -- I deal with this all the time in our church -- and some one said on here- you dont' really want to die - you just want to be happy and loved like all of us -even David who wrote Psalms, Jesus knew too - the Bible says, "He was tempted and put through everything we are" And it feels like there is no hope, no options -- but that it is not true. One lady blew her stomach out with a .45 caliber - and today she is loving God and has a life --
I curse the enemies presence away from you and pray now in Jesus' Name for the Holy Spirit to fill your life, your room, your sleep and your thoughts with the Truth of God's love and power--
God give Maddie the power to see and receive the Truth --
One Truth M, is that you matter -- I dont' even need to know the dirt and pain -- it doesn't matter now - what matters is right now - and tommorrow--- there is Life waiting for you --
Here is the scripture God told me to give you --
(Psa 30:2) GOD, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. (Psa 30:3) GOD, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out. (Psa 30:4) All you saints! Sing your hearts out to GOD! Thank him to his face! The Message --
Start praising Him - start singing like Paul and Silas did in the jail at midnight -- The enemy has been judged and been found guilty!
Feel His Love ----
Maddie - make sure the pills are gone -- don't keep any back --
Your Wonderful God and these awesome people here and at your Church which we all make up the Body of Christ are with you.
Maddie - it is time to unleash and let out who you are -- the awesome person that is in you! Step by step - one day at time.
Lift your hands and voice - Let God arise and His enemies (your enemies) be scattered!
Praying --- and loving you,
 
Whether it is drugs, suicide, alcohol, He loves us and doesn't want us to die!
Mrs.W.
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| May 10, 2008 |
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| Thanx Mrs.W. |
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| May 11, 2008 |
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| Thank u for that word of encouragement I recieve that in Jesus mighty name.Thanx melanie. |
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| May 11, 2008 |
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| Maddie, I can sense the anger and frustration you may be having toward your mother and ppl who just don't seem to care, but let me say to you , and this is not a cleshay "JESUS CARES FOR YOU" and he wants to wrap you in his arms and rock you like a little baby. But you have to allow him to do that, Suicide is never the answer, and you would be missed by ppl you don't even know, I am talking about the ppl who you never even came into contact with, these are the people who would miss your loving smile at the store, or wherever your presence is! they need to meet you and see you so they can gain the Love of God that comes from you and "ONLY YOU" be a blessing and don't allow the Devil, the past nor anyone tell you that you are not loved and cared for because you are Loved and cared for. |
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| May 11, 2008 |
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| Maddie,
God Loves you soo much. I will pray that he pours his love down on you. God is like that little rain cloud that hovers around us all the time. He wants us to be saturated by his love, mercy and grace. His love is an unconditional love. A love that is never pushy, never forceful, a love that is patient and kind a love that passes all understanding.
God is our creator so GOD is the only one who can heal ALL our hurts. People are wonderful and we need others to help us through our hurts. It says that when one falls others are there to pick us up. I want to tell you that God created you and he knit you in your mothers womb. So God is the only one who can put us back together. God can pick up all the scattered, shattered pieces of our heart that we have tried to tape and mend and make it a whole heart again without the tape, without our heart looking like a 10,000 piece puzzle. Your heart can look beautiful again!! You know everyone tried to put humpty dumpty back together again, but they just could not do it perfectly. He may have been taped together, glued together, but I guess no one asked God the creator of all to put him back together again. Not only would he have looked even more beautiful he would be able to tell others about the wall. What the devil came to take god came to restore, and renew.
Some of us ask the question why does God let things happen? It says that SATAN came to Steal, Kill and destroy. Satan is the father of lies. He wants us to look at ourselves in his mirror. He wants to steal our innocence, he wants to destroy us with it by flashbacks he wants us to watch that movie reel over and over again until he tries to kill us. But praise God his son stripped the keys from him and Jesus has taken back what is rightfully his. Let Jesus take you back and stomp on Satan's head. You start telling Satan how big your GOD is and how beautiful you are to God and how you are a child of the MOST HIGH KING when satan tries to bring up the old movies again. Throughout the bible people praise God in times of trouble and we see that it helps build them up and it reminds them of how GREAT AND MIGHTY TO SAVE IS THEIR LOVING GOD. This gives these people the victory. Going back to the question why does God let bad things happen. God gave us freewill to choose to make decisions for ourselves and we can choose good or evil. God does not us to be on strings as puppets are. God is God, but he does not want us to be on stings. He is not a controlling God he is a loving patient kind God who wants us to choose him FREELY. This is just my take on that question.
Look not into your mirror or other peoples mirror's of how you look. Look into GOD'S mirror!!! He sees you as a beautiful, wonderful daughter. He looks at you and says, you are my most prized possession, you are beautifully and wonderfully made by my hands.
Ashes to BEAUTY
lumps of coal to DIAMONDS
10,000 scattered pieces to WHOLENESS
Chains to FREEDOM
Weak to STRONG AND COURAGEOUS
Defeat to VICTORIOUS
BELIEVE THIS FROM GOD THIS IS WHAT GOD DOES!!!! REMEMBER GOD IS REAL LOVE!!
BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS BECAUSE GOD IS MIGHTY TO SAVE!!!!
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| May 13, 2008 |
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Maddie,
Your honesty is precious! I am so glad you put your feelings down. I used to have creepy thoughts and when they came up, I would pray to God to take them away. I know they are a tool of Satan to distract us and hurt us. We are stronger than him because we have God on our side. The next time you have a creepy thought, please pray to God, "In the name of Jesus, I command these thoughts to go away and leave me! I pray for a hedge of protection around me, around my thoughts, around my feelings, around my actions, that I will be protected from this!" I would also pray to God that he would protect the children you work with.
I had similar thoughts and I found that when my parents were angry, they would do these horrible things to me and so when I got angry, I would have bad thoughts as well. This is what we were taught and what we experienced but our Lord has so much more for us that is why we have this site and that is why He has taught us better, so we can be better and our children will never have to suffer this. He also puts us in the paths of others with similar experiences so we can relate to them and help them recover their true self, the self that Jesus knew when we were in the womb, before living tried to corrupt us. He knows who you are, Satan is trying to take that away, do not let him!!!!!
Lord, I pray for Maddie, I pray that you will take away these thoughts and protect her from more. I pray that you protect those she is caring for and that you will let her see that she is your child and no matter what Satan tries to throw at her, that you will be her bat and hit it out of the ballpark, never to return. Lord, be her home run, I pray in your name! I pray in the blood of Jesus that Satan will back off and see that there are many who are praying for Maddie and he has no authority, she is under the authority of God and is protected by Him and the prayers of Christians who love her and know that with your help, she can overcome these thoughts and be a child of God in her heart, in her job, and help and influence others like Job in the Bible. I lift her up in prayer and as for multiple blessings! AMEN! |
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