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| Reason #1 I Converted to Catholicism: The Mass |
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I have just returned from Mass (technically "Communion Service" since Deacon Rex prayed and distributed previously consecrated host... but you get the idea), and I was thinking about why I went to liturgy less than 24 hours after The Big Show of Sunday 10:30 AM Mass. I went today because I wanted to thank God, in public community, for the blessing of William's safe return from his Pacific Boychoir Academy tour to Monterey.
I also wanted to rejoice and thank God for the blessing of my continued healing from my spinal cord injury and laminectomy surgery in 2005. Last night as I did my "tuck and roll" procedure to get into bed next to my wife, I experienced sharp electric pain spanning the width and breadth of my back. I was stuck in a semi-fetal position on my stomach, trying to roll to a place where (from experience I knew that a vertebrae had slipped and was improperly pinching nerves in the spinal cord) I could re-align my spine in an emergency yoga situation and stop the pain and allow movement. For four minutes I was paralyzed: with pain; with fear that I had seriously re-injured myself to the point that I would need new laminectomy surgery; with fear of extended hospital stay, with fear of waking up my wife. Then Cynthia woke up, helped me roll on my side, and the immediate pain suddenly disappeared. Then I noticed that my residual pain/stiffness/paralysis in my left calf, left ankle, hands, and upper back that I have lived with (with medications and sacraments) since 2005 lessened about 2-8%! Happy Happy, Joy Joy! Now for those of you who do not have spinal cord injury (including MS), or are not acquainted with someone suffering with SCI, a 3% lessening of pain and stiffness without Tylenol 3 is a huge blessing.
So going to Mass seemed like the only appropriate means to fully thank God for this new and joyous improvement in my physical condition. While I did thank God during my Morning Prayer (Since the start of Lent this year I have been trying to adhere to the discipline of prayer the Liturgy of the Hours), I felt the need to do it again in the small community of our Daily Mass group. Celebration of Eucharist is the best way I know to feel or express joy; or to mitigate sorrow and isolation; or to rise from lethargy and into joyful renewal being in the presence of Christ, receiving into my body Corpus Christi to then be Eucharist to the world.
Going to mass now is so natural and thrilling for me, it is hard to remember back to the time when it felt foreign and uncomfortable. The first time I sat down in a catholic church for Sunday Mass, I was so scared. Sat in the back, on the side, hoping no one would come up and ask me to leave or the some catechetical point that would disqualify me from worship. Silly I know. But that first time I went to mass, it was like slipping into a pair of G.H. Bass penny loafers for the first time, it felt right but I had no idea what it all meant or what to say when the People of God were responding to their cues.
"It was a beautiful sensory, experiential happening that kept pulling me back week after week; hopefully, I said to myself, my mind and questions would catch up to the emotional beauty, depth, and logic of the Christian message in this new (for me) worship tradition.... After a lifetime of Christian worship that was most times sound and fury signifying nothing, this quieter obstensively more intellectual Mass was bringing me more emotional joy and true relationship with God, specifically Christ."
The second time I went to Sunday Mass at St. Augustine (the parish of my son's school), I started to pick up on a few things, and became comfortable with the overt and implied meanings:
- "Thanks be to God"... Well of course we should say Thanks be to God for the gift of his revelation and the gift of his Holy Scriptures
"Praise Be to you Lord Jesus Christ" is the only appropriate response if you think about it for the Word of God presented to us in the Gospel Reading
- Of course we should have four and not one reading of God's Word (the Bible) during worship, Jesus is the Word made flesh... and more is better in this case
Actually, it is three readings, and we sing a Psalm because the psalms are literally "songs" that were/are sung in Jewish worship... and Christianity comes from Jewish faith and practice
- If Communion rite is so important that it is engraved on the alter of African Methodist Episcopal churches of my youth and adulthood (“In Remembrance of Me” is engraved on the front of the alter facing the congregation) why do we cover those words on 1st Sunday of the Month Communion Sundays?
After two catholic masses, I felt so right about this new catholic worship tradition... it filled a god-size hole in my mind and soul that I could not (dare not) express. Driving home from church all of my teenage and adult life, I felt a nagging feeling that I should have been filled by the boisterous, exuberant, obstensively "Spirit-centric" Sunday service in "Protestant-Land." I always figured it was a deficiency in my Christian faith that I did not "feel" as deeply the Black Protestant worship tradition I had grown up with, been married in, and had my child baptized in (Aside: when Senator Obama ran into "Rev. Wright Problem" this past primary campaign season, I would just nod my head in recognition and empathy when watching MSNBC). It was quite ironic that because of the less exuberant, less spontaneous, more "intellectual" nature of the masses of I attended, I could feel myself becoming emotionally and joyously attached to my Christian faith as never before.
Hello my friend we meet again
It's been a while, where should we begin... feels like forever.
Within my heart are memories of perfect love that you gave to me
I remember.
When you are with me, I'm free... I'm careless... I believe.
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice.
My interpretation is that this great Creed song has always been at its heart an ode of love to faith and renewal. The tremendously melodic power chord monster song is a ballad dedicated not to a romantic love, but to The Mass; the retired rockcrit in me says the song is about a Catholic "revert" coming back to Judeo-Christian worship, the Catholic Mass specifically, out of devotion to the live sacrifice of Judaism (burnt offerings of lambs... leading to the test of Abraham and the aborted sacrifice of Issac) and the new covenant Passion of Christ which Christians celebrate as Communion/Eucharist which is also known as the "Paschal Sacrifice," or "Christ's Sacrifice."
"My Sacrifice," written by the Tremonti/Stapp, 2001
From the time I sat down for my first Sunday Mass I was so surprised how much, despite the vast differences from worship in "Protestant-Land," it made sense to me. From either my classical music training, or Christian formation as a child, I recognized most of the elements! Really, recognizing the order and elements was a great surprise to me. Growing up a "good Protestant Boy," I was told that the Catholic Mass was obtuse at best, and barely Christian (because of the emphasis on "superstition") at its worst moments. My undergraduate history major, which surprisingly had a religion element in almost every course. Especially my European and American history courses (80% of my course of study).
As I sat down at that first Mass, I also had the distinct feeling that Catholic Mass was "Big Boy Church." The people in the pews have to really focus on what is happening and engage in "full and active participation" to make The Mass work. In other words, no skimming the Bulletin during the sermon or passing of the plate. My experience of the mass is that there is a lot more going on in sixty minutes, than in the 3 hours of Black American Protestant service; and every gesture, posture, word and utterance (whether by the priest or the congregation) had an ancient and utterly serious Christ-centered meaning(s). Protestant-Land prides itself on boiling the faith down to the essence of Christianity, no extraneous gestures ("And also with" with hands out for example), no genuflection, no moments of atonement/penance, The Decalogue, two hymns, passing the plate, a scripture reading, a sermon, recessional; as a child it was 3-4 hours "straight, no chaser" Bible worship with Black Liberation theology blended into most sermons. The impression I had of the Catholic Mass from the first minutes I was there that all the bowing, genuflections, procession, Recitation of the Creed, Sign of the Cross, blessings, acclamations, presentation of gifts, preparation of the alter, prayers were thought out, lyrical, deep with multiple simultaneous meanings that were not extraneous or decadent as I was told as a child and adult. These were elements that brought you closer and deeper into the full identity of Christianity, such as the sweet suffering, attitude of service, love, obedience and mystery of Christ's existence and nature. I did not now what all those catholic meanings were that first Mass I attended (or even first ten), but I did sense that by being there and participating I was entering into a deeper relationship with Christ; and that the mass is about the participation and growth in faith/discipline (as opposed to watching and being entertained, perchance to be enlightened, by the choir and preacher in Protestant-Land). To actively engage in the full and complete discipleship of Christ.
That first year of attending Mass on a semi-regular basis, and asking the occasional question was an almost sensory overload experience, that is best re-created by me as a "Molly Bloom" situation [Stream-of-consciousness/James Joyce "sample" alert]: Don't forget to kneel toward the front before sitting in the pew... The incense smells nice, like warm toasted oatmeal (I think I remember from a history class that it means purification and prayers rising up to the realm of heaven?)... here comes the procession (Jesus on a Stick... bow? Forbidden Idol?)... get ready to recite the Kyrie (Saying we are sorry to God The Father before taking another step further makes emotional sense... I like it when William says sorry to me before asking to go to Great America)... here comes the Gloria, where we "Lift our voices to the Lord our God/Make a Joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands/fill the earth with gladness"... "Lord God, Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world have mercy on us"... am I starting to memorize the Gloria, does that make me a Closet Catholic... good we now get to sit down for the readings (three readings! One of them from the Old Testament-not-Revelations-or-Deuteronomy!), to the Homily (wow, they really get to the heart of the matter... and link all the readings, not just the "Gospel"... and in quickly), and then the recitation of the Creed (it is good to remind ourselves of what we believe once a week, plus the commission to serve the lord and the world outside... it all touched my spiritual sense in the head and heart... if for no other reason than... wow, how do these people keep this long Nicene Creed all memorized... you must really be smart to be Catholic)... so the Prayers of the Faithful and Intentions of the Church sound so poetic... it sure is right to call out by name the people who are sick... oh, and remembering the dead... sorry "faithful departed" is the theologically correct term... Wow, this music by the choir for the "passing of the plate" sure is peaceful and the lyrics are not sappy place holders for the rhythm... I definitely do not miss the rock band, simple piano, violin and voices is fine... hey Fr. Ray is singing a solo I better pay attention... really pay attention, it looks like it is Communion Sunday... Oh and now reciting the Lord's Prayer, that is cool. I always liked that one, how come we never say The Lord's Prayer at my church, if we are such sticklers for doing things from the Bible? Peace be with you? "Look not on our sins, but on the faith of your church" what a nice, poetic, pastoral sentiment. Sign of Peace feels a lot more worshipful that the pure social element of our grip and grin "Time of Welcome" right before Sermon... wait, turn back around, Peace is over and Communion is starting... Jesus as the Lamb of God... another sweet yet logical... yet biblical notion... Look at all the different people lined up for communion... no fighting or pushing to get to the front either... I'll just stay here in my pew thank you very much, I remember that from Bo's wedding in Chicago... looks like they got everyone communion pretty quickly... I will pray on my knees and luxuriate in this wonderful silence now that every one has communion... oh wait, we have to stand again, "And Also With You" sure echoes off the walls, must be the clue that... sure enough: "The Mass is ended, let us go in the peace of Christ to love and serve the Lord." Thanks Be to God, indeed.... recessional hymn is over... yeah, I'll clap for that... all of it. Jay, did you notice how much they put God and referred to Jesus Christ during the mass? It was as if he is at the center of the catholic worship. What happened to those tales of people (Mary... saints) being at the center of catholic worship and not Christ? And it looks like making the sign of the cross is not bid for cheap grace and a basehit by limited baseball players, rather a prayer of tribute to the Triune God of Father/Son/Holy Spirit. Sure seemed like Jesus is the host of the dinner party, the entree, the beverage, and the reason we are gathered and the reason we will go out into the world with Jesus. Pax Christi Yes. And I loved the idea that there was that honest admission that there is at least one "mystery" at the center of Christianity (The deacon intoned during what I called that day the "Communion Consecration Prayer" "Let us recall The Mystery of Faith"... and even better the congregation responds without prompting-- even the children-- "Christ has died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again."). I say yes to all of it, the music, the poetry, the kneeling, the different people, the earnestness of the young acolytes (alter boys and girls), different peoples and nations exchanging a Sign of Peace. Mystery Yes. Ineffable beauty and truth, Amen/Yes. To the Body of Christ, Amen/Yes I said. Blood of Christ, Amen/Yes I will Pax Christi Amen I will be Corpus Christi mundi. Yes/Amen I said... Yes/Amen I will... Yes/Amen. Thanks be to God, Amen.
So ends the stream of consciousness re-enactment of my mind the first few times I attended catholic mass. To this day I remain struck how when the recessional hymn was completed, the people applauded. So new. So neat. I was used to filing out during the recessional or applauding the choir one last time before lining up to shake hands with the pastor at the alter. But at the end of Mass, I did something I had never done before; I applauded not a single performer at a Christian worship, but the whole celebration; the very idea of the community coming together and participating in the very complicated thing. I joined in the applause not because I did not want to seem out of place. But because of the shock of the new. And because the worship I had been part of (and not merely witnessed) was a celebration worthy of applause. And catholics applaud to pump themselves up as we head out into the world to spread the Word and Love of Christ. How cool is that?!
Not that I had a full understanding of half of where I was, and what was going on. My above attempt at Joyce's "Molly Bloom soliloquy" at the end of Ulysses shows the state I was in participating/watching liturgy the first several times I attended Catholic Mass. It was a beautiful sensory, experiential happening that kept pulling me back week after week; hopefully, I said to myself, my mind and questions would catch up to the emotional beauty, depth, and logic of the Christian message in this new (for me) worship tradition. Almost, but not quite, phantasmagorical through the haze and smell of the incense.
My eyes and brain wandered over the interior space and my brain quickly started taking inventory of the differences in design and and worship elements of the ornamentation (because in most Protestant churches, there are no or few such details). I was amazed and gladdened by the vastness of the ceiling (good acoustics); The stained glass windows on the side were not too abstract or too cubist in representation of selected saints (better to contemplate the faces and lives of the saints), I felt comforted by the familiar saints (St. Joseph, St. Peter, St. Paul), and oddly comforted by the "insider" devout seriousness illustrated by windows depicting the less well-known St. Maria Goretti or St. Aloysius.
Architecturally, (my father was an amateur design buff, and I followed in his footsteps... my best friend and roommate at USC was the top architecture student of the Class of 1981) you notice that everything in the church, points toward worship of Christ in all design elements and ornamentation: The two giant crucifixes depicting the valiant Passion and Sacrifice; the "Alpha and Omega" engraved on the front of the altars; the statue of Baby Jesus in the arms of St. Joseph; Christ in his House (the gleaming gold tabernacle); specifically Christ in the Communion, and the communion between Christ and the People of God as they leave to love God, love each other, and serve the Lord.
Most importantly, I was stunned how Communion (it would take a while for me to learn to reflexively use the word Eucharist) is so different in Black Protestant-Land. From the frequency (once a month), to the matter... (whole wheat unleavened bread as opposed to Protestant metallic tasting Hi-C Grape Juice and Styrofoam looking and tasting machine-stamped host), to the meaning and substance (a symbolic re-enactment of Jesus' Last Supper symbolizing friendship and grace under pressure), and speaking (as opposed to singing) of the Eucharistic Prayer and Consecration. Catholic Communion was something worth seriously pondering becoming a part of I thought; if "they" take it so matter of fact earnestly, shouldn't we all... or at least myself?
But I could not at that time give up my citizenship in Black Protestant-Land; it would be a total abandonment of identity and family history that I was not ready to make. So I planned on becoming a permanent guest, or "associate Catholic." I spent a couple years going to double headers on Sundays: 8:00 AM with the family at Parks Chapel AME, then drive my wife and son home and quickly drive to St. Augustine for 10:30 AM mass. Gradually, a warm shock came over me as I came to see that I simultaneously realized that a large part of Christian faith (Christ) had been missing from my faith & practice for years, and that The Mass filled that almost imperceptible but nagging void in my life precisely because Christ was present (on the crucifix, in his words during the "Gospel" reading, and in the communion) and revered in this Catholic form of service. The Mass was something I had been missing from my life. It was like discovering I was an orphan, and finding my parents, (plus coming to their magnificent home with great meals) all within the span of literally one second; simultaneously disorienting and enlightening.
"If tennis players bow to the Duke and Duchess of Kent (and really, who are they?), it is right and just for us to bow and kneel before the Jesus the Lord, the King of Kings."
Then I asked, "So is communion half of every worship service for Catholics? Do you break it out for special days (Christmas Eve), special occasions (Weddings... Ordinations), or special holy month?" I was gently told, no, Eucharistic celebration is the point of every Worship Service (if by worship service you mean The Mass). That seemed right to me, but I could not tell you why, since I had objections to treating mere bread and wine (even after prayer) as Eucharist.
I would continue to struggle (but be granted the grace to overcome) with the notion of Christ truly present in the Eucharist (wait for upcoming "Reason #10 I Became Catholic: Holy Week and Holy Triduum"). But I respected the Catholics notion of Jesus being present with the congregation at every mass celebrated; and I was in awe of the reverence and respect that the bread is handled, broken (the priest washes his hands in front of the congregation), how the wine is poured; the courtly bows and genuflections as the host is placed back in the tabernacle. If tennis players bow to the Duke and Duchess of Kent (and really, who are they exactly?), it is right and just for us to bow and kneel before the Jesus the Lord, the King of Kings. Christ (Eucharist) being the source and summit of Christian Faith is what pointed me toward the Catholic Church; and this happens at the mass. It was like nothing I ever experienced before, and every time I go to mass it remains a tremendous thrill to be in Christ's presence... and to walk out being a living tabernacle for Our Lord's presence in the world today and everyday.
I had always thought that good theology and faith should not depend exclusively on emotions, feelings, and personal experience. That there should be a balance between Faith & Reason to fully grasp and live Christian life. That there should be moments of quiet and peace to contemplate faith and God during worship. Yes and no together. I came to call this the "comprehensive unity of the Christian experience." God is a large and mysterious being; and we should be trying ways to enlarge and enoble our experience with God/Son of God/Holy Spirit; distilling God, worship and understanding following Luther, Calvin, Cotton Mather seems to me to be journeying in the opposite direction of where God is headed. But my experience in church up to that point in my life had been the exclusive, unbalanced emotional, loud rhythmic music and preaching-- "invoking of the Holy Ghost" it is called in my former worship tradition. A lifetime of Christian worship that was most times "Sound and
Fury, signifying nothing." Ironically, the very nature of the worship tradition of "the Spirit will move you to faith, and faith alone will save you, and the Bible alone can instruct your faith" had left me struggling to fervently have a confident belief that the Spirit existed, and a prayer life built on "faith alone." I tried hard over the years to "feel" what everyone around me on Sunday mornings professed was in their hearts. I never was moved to tears or clapped until my hands were raw or spoke in tongues or fainted or screamed in orgiastic delight; all thing I regularly witnessed in my protestant life. So I felt that my grace was low. Increasingly I felt guilty and alienated on a basic level: if my spirit and heart were unmoved by ecstatic witness of fellows, or fiery sermons and pulsing music, what hope did I have of ever knowing Jesus and the fire of faith? It is hard enough to make sense of a simultaneous Holy Trinity if you are constantly fighting the despair that God may not exist. Or not exist in you.
But my first two experiences attending Catholic Mass lead me to the road of the truth: of God's existence; that God is ever faithful in his covenant; that not only did God so love the world... but that Christ could have only endured his Passion if he loved us as much as his Father loved us to send him; and that Jesus is always there to love, serve and emulate at the mass; that you do not have to hear or feel the Holy Spirit to know that he is with you in the room; and if the above is true, then the only rational response to God being faithful to us is to be constant and true in our love for him and His People of God. Semper fidelis.
The Catholic doctrine that where one person of the Trinity is present, the other two are also, is quite liberating. Jesus is always present in Eucharist, and in receiving Eucharist at The Mass, we make Christ present to the world. And we receive the real eucharist at The Mass.
This quieter, obstensively more intellectual worship The Mass, brings me more (quantitatively and qualitatively) moments of joy, thanksgiving and true communion relationship with God, specifically Christ. That is why The Mass was and remains the Number One reason why I converted to Catholicism. |
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| To add a comment to "Reason #1 I Converted to Catholicism: The Mass" |
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| June 10, 2008 |
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Thank you so much for sharing this Jay. You have a beautiful way of describing things which compliments my vivid imagination quite well. : )
I have read countless numbers of people's stories, on MyChurc.org, who have left the catholic faith to become protestant, but only a few stories of protestants who have become catholic (probably because there are more protestants on MyChurch than there are catholics). I notice that those who are former catholics who have become protestant have a protestant view of the catholic faith, which leads me to believe that they sadly never really knew the catholic faith. I also notice that these former catholics say they never knew Christ, which they seem to blame everyone but themselves for. As you have mentioned, everything about the catholic faith points us to, or draws us closer to Christ. And if one honestly seeks Christ, I can't understand how one couldn't form a relationship with Him. This starts with prayer. The Mass is not just a bunch of empty rituals (as so many want to believe). If our protestant brothers and sisters were to attend a Mass and just sit there listening, they would see the beauty of the prayers, hear the Gospel message, and see how the Liturgy is worship. Though they may find the responses and gestures foreign or awkward, but if they knew the reasons behind them they may not see them as stupid. Most Christians I know bow their heads when they pray; raise their hands when they sing praises. Why do they do this? To show reverence; to lift up the name of Christ. How is this different from what catholics do during the Mass? We kneel in humility; raise our hands during the "Our Father" in praise and thanksgiving; we bow in reverence; we make the sign of the cross to remind us of our baptismal vows; we make the gesture of small crosses on our foreheads, mouths, and hearts before the Gospel reading as a silent prayer that the Word of God will be upon our hearts, our minds, and on our lips; we stand in honor; and we sit as a posture of learning or listening. When you understand the reasons behind, what some describe as silly or strange, you will start to see the beauty and meanings conveyed in them. God Bless. |
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| June 10, 2008 |
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Josh--
Thanks for the positive feedback on this post, and previous ones. The encouragement really helps! I think my blogs are important only because myChurch (America) is so predominately Protestant and lasped Catholics; ergo the beauty, joy and truth of Catholicism needs equal time. I had not been expecting the negative feedback on some of the previous ones in this series on "50 Reasons I Became Catholic." I had been sweating out the style, tone and content (that is why there had been weeks between Reason #3 and Reason #1). I decided to be more aggressive and theological.
Your last paragraph in your above comment is great. I almost put in those details in the blog, but decided to save it for a post on "Gestures and Catholic Aerobics." I especially loved learning during the time before Inquiry that the crosses on our forehead, mouths, and hears prior to the Gospel reading is a silent prayer to put the Word of God on our minds, on our lips, and imprinted on our hearts.
Pax Christi. |
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| June 10, 2008 |
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| Great blog Jay! |
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| June 12, 2008 |
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Jay, The wonder that you recognized before having an academic understanding speaks to the power of Presence of God that you somehow came to recognize. It is an open heart and an open mind to which we are called, and you answered that call. This line struck me: "As I sat down at that first Mass, I also had the distinct feeling that Catholic Mass was "Big Boy Church." The people in the pews have to really focus on what is happening and engage in "full and active participation" to make The Mass work." That speaks to something I've never really put into words. The "work" that I've found that I have to put into it is to identify and set aside the clutter in my mind and actively look for and seek a deeper relationship with Him. Thanks for the blog. Gene |
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| June 13, 2008 |
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Josh:
Very good post on "10 Ways to Avoid Being a Dud at Church" I tried to leave a comment there, but you know me, it got rejected for being to long. I will try again. I am going to forward the link to your Catholic Tech Tips blog to our Pastoral Associate/Teen Ministry Coordinatory. I am also going to bring it up at our parish Evangelization Council meeting tomorrow. Really good, succint, and heart-felt suggestions. I had seven other suggestions (written in POV of a teen/young adult; I will try to leave hear and on your site. Have a good weekend if I don't hear from you.
Jay |
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| June 13, 2008 |
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| Thanks Jay! Sorry about the limit on the reply. I'm not really sure what the limit is. I'll see if I can up it. Looking forward to your coments. God Bless. |
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| June 13, 2008 |
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Don't look up the limit... I will work out a way to expand on your list, with proper attribution, in bloggosphere.
jay |
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| June 16, 2008 |
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| I read and commented on your comment to my blogpost. You did a great job of articulating some of the advice that I gave, as well as added some great advice of your own. Good stuff! |
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