June 20th, 2008 - 3:01 AM

It is three o'clock in the morning.  I am awake.  Could I get a few more hours of sleep if I wanted to?  Probably, but right now I won't.  First of all, I am drinking a bottle of Dasani.  Secondly I am watching an episode of Carrier.  Finally, I am thinking about doing dishes.  Will I go back to sleep?  I don't know. 

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately.  I don't even know where to start.  God has taken me to many places in my life and I know that He is not finished with me yet.  There are things that I am proud of in my life.  There are things that I would change if I could, but unfortunately God didn't create us to go back in time and change things.  If you think of it, that would be chaos because everyone would be trying to change everything.  Then what would happen if you changed something but you couldn't change it back?  It would be a world of regret.  Thank God that He doesn't allow us to change things.

However, He does allow His love to cover us and His Spirit to change us from the inside.  Yes, He changes us Himself.  I would rather Him change me than myself.  Change...yes that is the topic of this early morning memoir.  As I reflect, I can see where God has changed me.

Six and a half years ago, I lived in a small town in Indiana.  I was a nobody from a nowhere town with barely any friends.  I wanted more of God in my life, but I didn't know exactly what that meant.  I wanted God to use me, but I didn't know what that involved.  Six years ago, I did not know who I would be today.  Just as I do not know who I will be in six years from now.  However, I can say that when we allow the Spirit of God to change us, then He changes us for the better. 

Some of the tests and the trials that we will go through will seem as if the world is ending, but it is not.  Trust me on this one.  Here is an example, that I can think of.  I just watched an episode of Carrier.  It allowed me to reflect back on my 3.5 years on the USS Carl Vinson.  My time spent on this aircraft carrier shows me exactly how God used a tough time in my life to change me.  For it was during these years that I felt the furthest away from God, from love, from myself.  If no one ever tells you this then let me tell you now....it is easy to lose track of yourself in the military.  There were many days and nights that I reflect on where I didn't see the "man of God" that I was supposed to be.  There were times where my anger got to me and my tempers went off.  There were many times I wish that I could erase forever.  However, I see the change that God did in my life. 

When I chose to return to God, I chose to find myself in Him again.  It is when I found myself in Him again, that I truly saw the power of His Spirit working in my life.  No longer was I a teenager who couldn't stand up for himself and didn't know who he was, but now I am a man filled with the Spirit of the Living God.  It was the time at sea and in the Navy that taught me how to discern the things around me and how to trust in God.  It taught me that when I am faced with tough decisions and I do not know what to do, then He will guide me every step of the way.  When I am angered, then He will calm me so that His strength can be seen.  When I am lonely, He steps in the room so that I can maintain my sanity. 

So as I close this memoir for this morning, I thank God for the change that He has done in me.  I know that others may not see the change, but he does, and I do.  And I know that it was only when I chose to return to God, that I found myself again, and that I saw who I was in Christ.  I saw the change that He has done.  And I know that it is not over yet. 

Until Tomorrow...

~ Jeremy Daniel Crouch ~