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| Lord, I Don't Wanna!!!! |
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I know I sound like a spoiled little child. But sometimes, it is awfully hard to do God’s will, isn‘t it? Sometimes I fight it with all my might, like a child fights obeying a parent. Maybe that is why I feel so tired, not physically, although sometimes I feel that way too, but I feel tired emotionally. I just don’t know how much more I can take.
You all know about my cat Zagnut, whose kidneys are failing. They gave him one to three weeks to live. We are starting into week three. I had a scare over the weekend, with him making frequent trips to the litter box, and only expelling a small amount…but sitting there forever to do it, and then leaving the box, only to turn around and go back again a few seconds later. It scared me, because I know that is a big problem, but I also know it is an even bigger problem when they go to the litter box and nothing comes out…or they seem to be in pain. Those two things did not happen.
I made a quick call to the vets, and they told me to give him Pedialyte to drink. Of course, he isn’t going to just drink it…nothing is that easy. I had to give it to him with a syringe, but by the end of the day, he was back to using his litter box normally. Praise the Lord. I feel like I dodged a bullet, but I am just waiting for the next one.
Then, as if one cat being sick wasn’t enough, I have another cat, Hershey, who is 17 years old. Old for a cat, and I feel he is on his last legs. He is not eating, not drinking, and I can’t see taking him to the vet to try to make him last longer, and have them run through a bunch of tests just to tell me things are wearing out. He is old for goodness sake. It is time…this I can handle better than Zagnut leaving me way before his time. But it all brings me to the question, Why Lord? Why now? Why all at once? Why no healing of Zagnut, when I prayed for healing? Why do I have to carry this burden, especially with Zagnut being sick, and now add to my burden with Hershey being ill?
Many of you know that I came close to committing suicide many years ago. One of the reasons I did not was because of Zagnut. He was there by my side through the whole experience, the rough road that I traveled with depression. He was certainly a gift to me from God, because God used him to help pull me up out of the pit of depression. He gave me a reason to get up in the morning, and I feel like I owe him special care now that he is sick. But I am having an awful hard time letting go. I just keep begging God, not yet, I am just not ready. The emotional toll it is taking is wearing me out. Yet I can’t let go. I want to keep him with me as long as the Lord will allow. And so far, he really is doing better physically than I expected, and I know that in itself is a miracle.
I know God is awesome and has given me so much. I know, even now, He could make Zagnut well and this whole thing could turn around. I also know that we have to go through the storms of life, and this is definitely a storm for me. And I still need to praise Him when the storms come…and I do praise you Lord. I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you gave Zagnut to me to care for in this life. Me!! What a blessing he has been. What a wonderful gift you have given me. But, I say again, Lord, I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna let go of him.
I know you are all probably saying this girl is nuts! How can you love an animal so much? It is hard to explain unless you have felt it. But just suffice it to say, if you had a child, and that child became seriously ill, and their life was probably going to end, how would you feel? I know I can’t compare a cats life to the life of a human, but since I don’t have children, my cats are my children. So it is like a child is being taken from me. And it hurts. And I am tired of it hurting. I just want it to go away. I don’t want to deal with the loss, I don’t want to feel the pain. I know all the right things that I should be doing, I know all the reasons I should cling tighter to God, and believe me, I AM. He is the only thing getting me through right now. But I am just tired of fearing what is to come, and knowing, that even though God is with me, I still have to go through the valley. And I don’t wanna!
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| To add a comment to "Lord, I Don't Wanna!!!!" |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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| No you are not nuts. You are going through a roller coaster right now. God is with you. Thank you so much for sharing part of your walk with us. It speaks volumes! |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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(Psa 119:130) Break open your words, let the light shine out, let ordinary people see the meaning.
For ordinary people like you and me -- Lord, let us "see" the meaning --
Give Deb a Word Lord, speak to her heart -- that she may "see" You and her circumstances the way You do --- comfort her -- In the Precious Name of Jesus --
Love you D! xxoxoxoxoxox
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| June 23, 2008 |
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| Praying for ya! It's hard letting go of a pet, I know, we have a 12 year old golden retriever. She was there for me through a hard time in my life......guarding me. |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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| Oh Deb, these are the things you can only take to the Lord, b/c nobody else has any answers or understands fully what you are going through. Having a strong relationship w/him is the best preparation there is for this kind of thing, I believe. Glad you are prepared, sister. And yes, "this girl is nuts", but we wouldn't have you any other way! |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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Deb - If I can share with you a testimony (of sorts), perhaps it'll help you step 'out of yourself' for a moment and get a taste of the hindsight that you'll see when the pain is in the past, and not the road you're looking down. Because that's where you're hurting now - because you don't know the WHY of your situation! And that's not nuts for feeling that way, not at all... My father-in-law died in 2003. My wife struggled with the loss for a very long time...but he had had colitis for over 10 years, and then colon and rectal cancer because of it. When he was first diagnosed with the colitis, he was a hard-drinking, abusive, 'punch-you-in-the-face-if-you-were-looking-at-him-the-wrong-way' kinda guy. But then he got sick and realized he needed a Savior. (oversimplifying a bit). Before he first got sick, him and my mother-in-law had been divorced. He didn't have custody of my wife at the time - I think it was every other weekend. That sickness led him to Christ. That sickness brought him back to his family. That sickness gave my wife a father again. Fast forward a few years, and I got to meet this man, as the guy trying to date and then eventually marry his daughter. I got to see and hear a real Christian, not the 'holy rollers' my folks warned me of, but someone who loved his Lord. The Lord put this man in my life to turn me towards the path to Him. When he passed away after going from a 6'2" 275lb steel worker to someone about a 100lbs lighter than he was, my wife and I were NOT yet Christians, though the seeds were planted. I didn't know how to console her, she drank a little too much after his death. I was travelling a lot for work then, and was supposed to have 2 weeks straight out of town when his birthday would have lined up with the weekend between. Knowing how she would have been had I not come home, I came home, and because of that 'visit' we were blessed 9 months later with our son... This set of circumstances was used by the Lord to give us a child! Now, when you're on the path you can't see the curves or the bends in the road, and when you're in the rocky areas, it's hard to tell if you're even being led. But in my case, the Lord allowed a man to get sick, to find a Savior and be given the gift of eternal life, to help evangelize to his family, and to put the 'players' in place to bless our family with a little boy who (according to his great grandmother) is the spitting image of my father-in-law at 4 years old. Trust in the Lord that this IS happening for a reason that ONE day will be known to you, and there will be no more tears. |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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| Deb I understand what you are going through but maybe the reason for the depression in the first place is because of things you have never been willing to let go of. I know that may sound a little harsh but think about it. Now you may have to face the realization of having to let go of something you care for dearly for fear of dealing with the emotions. Isn't that the same thing we do with issues from the past? We hold on to them in spite of how much pain they bring us because we think that by keeping the pain inside we can somehow avoid the pain. By now you must realize that this doesn't work. You can take medication for the next 99 years, but God is wanting you to let go. Zagnut may be like a child to you but in reality Zagnut can't understand that this is what he is to you. Zagnut will only be able to understand things the way that cats see things through their own eyes. This is hard to accept but whether Zagnut leaves you sooner or in years to come, the pain will be the same. What is God trying to teach you through all this? He is not a sadist that gets pleasure from our suffering. He is a just and prefect God with a good and perfect and acceptable will for our lives. He has all of the answers. Just ask the right questions. Shalom |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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My heart hurts for you and yes I do understand the love you have for Zagnut. Life is sometimes really tough but praise the Lord we know we can go to our Father for comfort. I too went through a period in my life where I considered suicide and have dealt with depression so I know the pain you are going through. I also know that your faith is strong and you are seeking the Lord's face in all of this. Know that you are in my prayers. |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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| Thanks for sharing your trial, Deb. Only you know how important Zagnut is to you. Don't you think it helps to share with others? Thanks for trusting your MyChurch friends. |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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(((((((((HUG))))))))))
I'm so sorry. |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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First of all, just let me say that you are all such great people. You helped to lift me up and to encourage me through this time, and I so appreciate it, and your prayers.
dc, thank you for not thinking I am nuts. The jury is still out on that one :)
Mrs. W., as always, thank you...especially for your prayers.
Cindy Lou, thank you so much for your prayers and understanding.
Mike, I can always count on you to tell it like it is...(this girl is nuts). lol You are right though, God is the only one who understands completely and is right here with me through it all.
Growing, thank you for sharing a piece of your past and your learning experiences with me. I know I have gone through difficult times in the past, and I always learn something, and always carry it through to help someone else. I know that is how it works. But it still hurts, and it still makes me very sad, and I still have to get through it...
Prophet Jay, I thank you for your thoughts. I went through over a year of marriage counseling and individual counseling to deal with my depression. And I am also on medication for it. I do not have problems with the past...I have let go of all of that "stuff", although it was a struggle, I did do it. That has nothing to do with not wanting to let go of my cat. My cat offers me comfort and love, and maybe he doesn't realize how much I love him, but that doesn't make it any less real for me. I don't think I am any more special than the next person, and all of us have things that cause suffering in our lives. I don't expect special treatment from God that I should have all my prayers answered my way. I realize that in the end, God's will will be done. I accept that. But it is just hard letting go of someone that means so much to me.
Steven Anthony, thank you...for understanding and for yoru prayers. I continue to pray for you too.
Cheryl, thank you
Ed, yes it does help to share with others. It is very cathartic. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
restore, thank you. Sorry about your chicken (((((((restore)))))))
Debora J, thank you, and a ((((((hug)))))) back to you. |
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| June 23, 2008 |
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Deb - I wasn't trying to say "duh, there's a reason behind this, you should know that". What I was trying to show was an example of how you're NOT going to know why any of this hurt is going on now, until you get some miles between you and the experience. That's yet another problem with being a human being stuck in this world! But maybe that's why God is having you get double-whammied with two sick/elderly cats right now - so that you don't have things stretched out over a long amount of time (and let's be honest here, so the cats don't suffer painfully over time), so that you can move towards healing and understanding. I wasn't trying to insinuate you didn't agree or understand that it's God's will, but more to side with you that (pardon the term) these experiences stink and we do NOT usually see the value until well afterward.
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| June 24, 2008 |
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So sorry you're having such a tough time of it, Deb. Lifting you in prayer right now. love you! |
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| June 25, 2008 |
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Growing, you are so right, of course...we don't see the value of the pain we go through until a long time afterward. All you can see is right now, and wonder how this could possibly turn out good. I have actually thought that exact thing the last couple of days. I have heard the "all things turn out for good for those who love God" several times in my studies. And I just keep thinking, how Lord? I guess I have to wait and see. I do appreciate your comments, and I didn't mean to argue anything you said. It is just rough right now, but it is something we ALL go through at one time or another. Maybe not the loss of a pet, but something.
Jen, thank you.
Pastor Tim, thank you for your understanding and prayers. |
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| June 26, 2008 |
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Hey Deb, read this when you first posted it. I honestly didn't know what to say to you at the time...I have children...so I completely understand when those who don't, but have pets, see those pets as their children. I know and understand what your pain feels and looks like. I have pets too...and they are just as much a part of our family even though I have children. I hate the thought of losing one. Nuts? No...enormously compassionate souled person? YES! What love you have and continue to poor into your babies. Not wanting to let go is so understandable. When my grandmother (precious love of my life) was in the hospital....(99) I had to let her go.....I didn't want to...how badly I wanted to keep her for so much longer....but she had already done her job. I guess that is the hard part. When they are old..it's easier...when it is before their time...we can't accept so well. But...Zagnut...has done His job. And I know....God will send you another blessing to get you through. :)
I'm lifting you up Deb. Praying for some peace. |
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| June 26, 2008 |
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| Valerie, you don't know how much your words mean to me today. Zagnut is not eating, and I am pretty sure that it is because the toxins are building up in his system, which means he isn't going to be with me much longer. I am going to try one more thing, a vitamin B-12 shot from the vet, which is supposed to stimulate their appetite, but he cautioned that it might not work. I am just so sad. I know I have to let go, but it is so hard. I covet your prayers and your encouragement. Thank you. |
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