I KNOW THAT THIS MAY BE A LITTLE LENGTHY BUT IT IS BECUASE I WANT YOU TO SEE THE STAGES I WENT THROUGH IN MY LIFE AND HEART SO THAT YOU CAN RELATE AND BE FREE TOO.

At age 16 i came out of the gang life and i was radically on fire for God (and it wasnt just emotions) I would go to the church and ask cozy if i could sit in the church because i thirsted for God and just wanted to sit in the silence of the sanctuary in Gods presence. When we would have youth group sleepovers, instead of sleeping in the trailers i slept right outside the foyer doors because inside them is where i wanted to be. In the morning when valley had the high school i would walk back and forth where they used to have the football field and look at the mountains and talk to God. One time i climbed up the roof of the old sacntuary with my stereo connected to a long extension cord so that i could worship God on the roof and be closer to him. Pastor Hector heard i was up there and asked me to come down after a while though.LOL. God was using me alot and pastor ron even had me give my testimony in the church. After about 3 years i backslid really bad becuase of a series of events that led up to it. I was fighting again and carrying a gun around. living twice the son of hell i was before. I could feel God calling me through conviction but i would try to suppress it by putting more sin over it and eventually found myself trying to hate God and having a hard cold heart. Partying, drinking, violent fights, and heavy adultery was the norm for me for about 2 1/2 years. Through all that i was slowly broken down to the point where i hated myself because i knew what God had called me to be and where i used to be in him and also becuase i was hurting my wife who did absolutely nothing to deserve my unfaithful behavior. i tried to say things to her to make her leave me but inside i really wanted to change. But like with God....i pushed her away too...or tried. I felt wicked and sinful, and God's voice was hounding me. The only two things in my life that were innocent-my wife and God- i was pushing away becuase i could feel my sin when i was around them. Even though i had fun sinning i was miserable inside.

This is where we might relate.

I came back to God but there were things i struggled with before and after i did. I wanted to come back to God but i felt like people at church, my friends....everyone... would say in their heads...."oh here he goes again....i wonder how long he'll last this time before he is back in the world." I felt like if i tried to share my testimony again poeple in the world would say " didnt you get out of church...oh ur back in agian.?" I felt like i would be wrote off. I sometimes thought.."God might use you but His plan for you now is not going to be nearly as good as it would have been." alot of times i questioned myself "if i fell once, even though i love God now, will i fall again. i dont want to play games with God!" And sure enough because i still had some lugage in my closet i would party and feel like crap when i went to church. On top of that i was trying to gain my trust back with my wife but we had alot of hard times becuase no one gets over being cheated on so many times real easily. All these things, my past sins, my lack of trust in myself, and the struggle with sin choked me of hope to the point where i served God but i was really reserved. Because i was feeling the consequences of my sin around me it made me feel like i was still in that time when i was backslid because i was constantly being reminded of it. I had court cases for another child i had with another girl, memories that my wife recants of me leaving her or things i did, debt, movies in my own mind of girls i messed with and the things we did which made it hard to stay pure. When i saw those girls its hard not to think of what we did and there was alot of women.

and theres alot more stuff that i wish i could word this out better cause i feel like im not communicating exactly what i want you to get but the best i can say is this:
After a long period of staying in there and learning from my mistakes and about Gods forgiveness most of the baggage is gone. These things are now almost forgotten but they are still wounds from the past that can be felt here and there. You may be harboring guilt or you feel like you are now a second class disciple even though you came back to God 3, 4, or maybe 10 years ago and your sin may still be fresh in your mind, or you may be in the rehab stage where you came back but now you are struggling with sin and it feels like youll never get out.....God forgives you!!!!!
keep on going and rely only on His word not your emotions or what you feel. We as humans always feel like we have to pay for what we did...sometimes we want to because we feel so bad but God will instantly pardon your sins and yes,   RESTORE YOU TO THAT FIRST LOVE YOU HAD. HE KNOWS OUR HEARTS!!!!! HE KNOWS HOW YOU CRY OVER THAT SIN YOUVE BATTLED FOR 10 YEARS.......HE KNOWS HOW YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY BACK TIME....HE KNOWS HOW BADLY YOU YEARN TO BUST OUT OF YOUR SHELL AND LIVE SOLD OUT FOR HIM BUT AT NIGHT YOU CRY BECUASE IN YOUR DAY YOU DIDNT LIVE UP TO THE THINGS YOU SET FOR YOURSELF TO DO FOR HIM THE NIGHT BEFORE. KEEP ON GOING NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!!!! EVENTUALLY YOU WILL GET SO MAD AT THAT SIN YOU WILL CHUCK IT OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

FACE IT FOLKS....WE MAKE MISTAKES...WE GET ONLY ONE LIFE...WE LEARN EITHER BY WISDOM OR CONSEQUENCES AND IF YOU CAN RELATE TO ME ON THIS THEN YOUVE LEARNED FROM COSEQUENCES BUT THATS WHY GOD PUT THE SIMPLE BUT YET POWERFUL VERSE IN THE BIBLE:

GOD CAUSES EVERYTHING TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE GOD AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE-ROMANS 8:28

We only get one shot...forget about the past and serve God with a vengful attitude...redeem the time brothers and sisters