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| My Mind is all Befuddled |
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I feel as though I am in a fog, a thick fog that I cannot cut. I have not been sleeping well, not been thinking well. Really, not feeling well either. I had a light bulb moment this morning, when I realized it is because I am fighting God's will so much over the issue with my two cats that are sick.
It is amazing also, that I have been reading devotions, and certain bible passages, and they are all telling me to take joy in suffering. How hard that is to do! We cannot find joy in suffering unless we consciously look for it, make the effort to do it.
5:3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 5:4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5:5 and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us.
I am so tired right now, that finding joy in my suffering is not something I feel I have the energy to do. I have decided to put one of my cats to sleep, and have an appointment for tomorrow (they couldn't get me in any sooner). This is the one that is 17 years old. He has been going downhill for several months now, and I knew it was coming, but it is still hard to do it. Now, he has not eaten for two days, and he is growing more and more weak, and is unable to get around without stumbling. It breaks my heart.
The other cat, Zagnut, who has kidney failure, got a shot yesterday of Vitamin B-12 to stimulate his appetite. It seems to be working slightly...he certainly isn't eating as much as he used to. It will get to the point where I will have to put him down too. And that will be much harder.
I spoke with God this morning, trying to understand why He hasn't given me much help...why I feel like He is so far away, and that is when the light bulb went on. I have begged, pleaded, cried out in my sorrow to give me more time, to spare me having to make the decision to put either of them to sleep, and He has not made His answer known to me. All the things I have been reading about suffering, and being joyful in your suffering, have just seemed like such a lot of rubbish to me, that I have not been real cooperative with God. And the fact that I am fighting Him on His will is why He is not helping to ease the burden I am feeling.
Well, Lord, I give it to you right now. I can't deal with this on my own. It is just too hard. I don't want to put either one of them to sleep, but then again, I don't want them to suffer. Since a miracle does not seem to be in the future, I can only assume that you want me to make the decision on my own. I pray for wisdom to know when the time is right, I pray for strength to go through with it, I pray for peace to come and a relief of this burden as I lift it onto your shoulders. Most of all I pray that I will do your will, even if I don't like it, and try not to fight you on it. In Christ's precious and holy name, Amen.
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| Deb, the joy in our suffering comes from the peace we get from surrender. Think of it as a bank robber that has robbed a bank and is on the run. He knows the consequence of his action and that he will get caught. Yet he makes every effort to elude the law. Even when the pressure is on and the law knows his whereabouts he still chooses to fight. Once he understand the futility of his predicament, outnumbered, surrounded, he can come out with his hands up. He is wrestled to the ground and cuffed but the ordeal is over. Most of the time when we resist the inevitable we are like a fugitive. We know that eventually we have to surrender but we continue to run. I know. I ran from God for many years before he caused me to surrender. I'm so glad he did. |
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Light bulb moments are wonderful things.
Honey, you know the situation I am going through right now and I do know that staying in the Fathers will and His Joy is a choice. We can be in pain and cry- without stepping out of His will. Your Father knows it hurts. But for some reason He is asking you to trust Him. I can only take that to mean He has something planned to give you to replace.
But you can't even focus on that. Just trust- obey- and He will bring about His plans.
He knows your heart and your desires. |
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Oh, Deb, my heart breaks for you... "Mourn with those who mourn"
I'm so sorry my friend that you are going through this. I pray that we can be an Aaron and Hur to you in this battle. "But Moses' hands were heavy. Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set." Exodus 17:12. The sun will set on this battle my love, you will be victorious and the sun always rises in the morning.
"She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night." Prvb 31:17&18
Jesus, Holy Lord, take my sister into your arms and hold her. Jesus you are the answer, Father you are the source, Spirit you are the helper. Please help her, Holy Spirit it says in the Word
Isaiah 61
The (A)Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
Because the LORD has anointed me
To (B)bring good news to the (C)afflicted;
He has sent me to (D)bind up the brokenhearted,
To (E)proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners;
2To (F)proclaim the favorable year of the LORD
And the (G)day of vengeance of our God;
To (H)comfort all who mourn,
3To (I)grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The (J)oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting
So they will be called (K)oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.
4Then they will (L)rebuild the ancient ruins,
They will raise up the former devastations;
And they will repair the ruined cities,
The desolations of many generations.
5(M)Strangers will stand and pasture your flocks,
And foreigners will be your farmers and your vinedressers.
6But you will be called the (N)priests of the LORD;
You will be spoken of as (O)ministers of our God
You will eat the (P)wealth of nations,
And in their riches you will boast.
7Instead of your (Q)shame you will have a (R)double portion,
And instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion
Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land,
(S)Everlasting joy will be theirs.
8For I, the LORD, (T)love justice,
I hate robbery in the burnt offering;
And I will faithfully give them their recompense
And make an (U)everlasting covenant with them.
9Then their offspring will be known among the nations,
And their descendants in the midst of the peoples.
All who see them will recognize them
Because they are the (V)offspring whom the LORD has blessed.
10I will (W)rejoice greatly in the LORD,
My soul will exult in (X)my God;
For He has (Y)clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
And (Z)as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11For as the (AA)earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up,
So the Lord GOD will (AB)cause (AC)righteousness and praise
To spring up before all the nations.
This is the Truth Lord, bind up the brokenhearted, replace her mourning with a garland of praise. Jesus this is where the mystery is, this is that place of the unknown. I impart that Truth over the life of Deb, I speak this over her and proclaim the year of the Lord and Favor of the King, she is the daughter of the Most High The Inseperable King! She is called into your Kingdom and will never perish. She is a planting of the Lord, an oak of righteousness... Amen |
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WOOHOO go Deb
that was awesome! |
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 Deb, I know exactly how you are feeling when it comes to finding joy in our suffering , ugg........and feeling like God is so far away. Such atough place to be. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. |
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Mrs W |
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June 27, 2008 at 6:15pm |
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These comments are soo good -- I pray you can hear them --and let them help you --
He gave us the Holy Ghost who is called the Comforter -- He helps us "hear" and we "hear" we receive comfort ---- God cares for you and the living things you love --- I pray for His help so you can "hear" Him - Hear His love for you and answers ----
Love you Deb -- lots and lots -- |
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| Deb, I'm not sure it's such a bad thing to let your heavy heart grieve. Jesus was human and he showed it. Don't deny your humanity....hey, you love Zag. Thing is, you have a family to lean on. (Hopefully locals you can literally lean on!) Love ya, and may God's comfort surround you! |
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| Hugging you Deb...praying you through. |
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| Knowing what you're going through and praying for ya! |
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Gene |
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June 27, 2008 at 11:03pm |
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Deb, I just can't imagine what you're going through right now. Losing one must be like losing a part of yourself. I can only suggest that you pray about it, tell God what you intend to do, and ask Him to interviene if it's not according to His will. Regardless of how this whole thing plays out, I suspect that over time you'll come through with a faith that is more deep and more real.
Gene |
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| God is eternal. Jesus is the "alpha and the omega". We see things in "past, present, and future. Have faith in an eternal Savior. |
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Deb |
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June 29, 2008 at 2:45pm |
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Prophet Jay, I can tell you that it was indeed a relief to surrender. I still feel such great sadness, but I feel more at peace about the whole thing.
Bubbles, you are so right. I look at your situation and try to think how I would be handling it if I were in your shoes. Wow...I don't think I could, but I guess we don't know what we are really made of until we are tested.
DeboraJ, I agree with Bubbles when I say that it was awesome...thank you for your prayer. It was beautiful.
Barvubuela, wow...you said "IF HE DECIDEDS TO DO A MIRACLE THEN HE CAN, HE IS GOD. IF HE DECIDES NOT TO DO A MIRACLE, THEN HE CAN, CUZ HE IS GOD." That is what it boils down to...HE IS GOD, I am not.
Tina, thank you for your prayers, and you remain in mine at this difficult time in your life.
Mrs. W., thank you so much. Everyone's comments brought tears streaming, and I so appreciate all of your thoughtfulness.
Mike, I am definitely grieving, and I do have family and church family that are helping me, and grieving along with me...not to mention my MyChurch family.
Birdie, Cindy Lou, and Doyle, thank you for your prayers...
Gene, yes, losing my cats is like losing a part of myself. They are my buddies. Some people have pets, and some people live their lives with pets...I am one that lives my life with pets, and I treat them better than a pet should be treated I would imagine.
Tom, I am trying to have faith in my Savior. He has been the one I am leaning on...
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