I suggest that you read my TWO previous blogs "My Neighbor was Murdered" before reading this one......... 

In my previous blogs I spoke about my ex-neighbors, Olivia and Kevin’s, relationship. In blog two, I discussed the possibility of Olivia ignoring that “still small voice” which warns us of unseen dangers. I stated this may well have led to her death.  What’s more, I re-emphasized how reading the Old-Testament helped me to establish a TRUE relationship with God: how I let go of religion and developed a relationship with Jehovah instead. Finally, I ended my blog by relating how I finally experience “true repentance” and because of this I felt like I was given a second chance to start over with a clean slate.  

Like Saul on the road to Damascus, after repentance I felt sure I was a newly converted Christian. After all I LOVED the Lord; yet as I continued to read His word my anger at humanity grew ten-fold. I truthfully HATED the disobedience of the Israelite people and their stiff necked ways. After all, Jehovah did nothing but love and care for Abraham’s descendants and yet they remained disobedient to His every command. Nevertheless, I wish I had kept the scripture “Be angry and sin not” at the fore-front of my thoughts while reading Gods words because in my anger I did sin; I stupidly issued a challenge to the Devil. I learned the hard way what Scripture mean by “Being angry but sin not,” It took seven years to undo the damage caused by my anger: to this day I can’t believe I thought I was capable of taking on the Devil.

For reasons I can’t explain I felt hurt by the Israelites’ blatant disregard for God. So much so in fact that I told the Devil that there was NO WAY I could ever treat God the way the Israelites had. I went so far as to tell him to “bring it on” because at that point I Loved the Lord so much that I simply could not imagine myself falling for the devils tricks. I failed to remember that the Devil had been around for thousands of years and I was no match for him: bring it he did. The Devil pulled out all the stops once I allowed   “ego/emotions/me” into the equation. In my stupidity I believed I would be the one person who would be able to stand firm for God, lol. In my naivety I felt like I could defend God’s honor.   Like Olivia I failed to realize that danger generally comes when we are step outside of God’s will for our lives, or allow ego to take control.

In the beginning I did not recognize the Devil had gained a foothold in my life once again. His devices were subliminal. He started off innocently enough by placing three men in my life: two Christians and one non-Christian. I dated all three, and eliminated one in a matter of weeks because I was never comfortable in his presence (he was my Sabbath school teacher, lol). I dated the other two simultaneously and although I was being pressured to choose I played them against each other for months. The truth is I simply could not decide between Mr.  Wonderful and Mr. God Fearing. Mr. God Fearing was handsome, he appeared to love the Lord as much as I, he professed to love me, and he appeared to be living his life the way the Lord intended. Mr. Wonderful on the other hand was simply perfect in every way. Although he did not attend Church, he was spiritual. This man showed me what it meant to be loved, accepted and respected. He did everything right when it came to loving me. This man set the standard as to how I should be treated/loved in a relationship; I have not met anyone who has measured up since. Nevertheless, after months of fluctuating between the two I finally chose Mr. Christian because I felt we had more in common. I should mention that I kept Mr. Wonderful on the side because I loved the way he loved me, lol. During this time I got bored living on the island so I decided to move to New York; the night before the left Mr. Wonderful placed the biggest diamond ring I had ever seen on my finger and I accepted his proposal. I kept seeing the two long after I moved to New York. The relationship with Mr. Wonderful ended when I went home on vacation to visit Mr. Christian.; Mr. Wonderful found out and confronted us, he was so hurt by what I had done that he left on vacation for two weeks and came back a married man. Mr. Christian forgave me and we continued dating long-distance for another three years. Everything appeared to be going okay between us until I got a phone call from my sister telling me that my boyfriend had been seeing someone else for almost two years: all I can say is karma is REAL, lol. My choices and behaviors, after conversion, contributed to my spiral back into the world of sin. See the Devil knows our flaws and before I repented mine use to be FYNE men, to this day I still admire what I like to call, “Eye Candy”: I know the ladies are feeling me on this one, lol.

My conversion lasted all of four months before the Devil started really “bringing it on” as I requested. When I look back over the course of my life I can clearly see where I faltered. After my five year relationship ended I went back onto the dating scene and played men like A Pianist plays the piano: with passion. This lasted for about three years and I NEVER dated less than two men at one time. I had strict requirements when it came to the men I dated. They had to be influential in the community, single, and extremely good looking: chalk this up to vanity on my part.  Needless to say, in no time at all I forgot about my past passion for God and replaced it with worldly passion. However, I continued attending Church and the Holy Ghost was not through with me yet. It took three years of un-fulfilled desires before I realized that my life was no-where near where it should be. I started seeking God more intently than I had in the past, I even begged Him to show me a sign that He did exist. I begged and pleaded for Him to show me that He did not just exist but He cared about ME. One day, he answered my plea and I heard a voice clearly say, “I LOVE YOU”. I thought I was imagining things until I heard it again, “Sandee, I love you”.  I can honestly say that I was scared out of my wits and I asked the Lord never to speak directly to me again: yet another mistake in a life filled with mistakes. After my encounter with the Lord I decided that it was time to go back to my first love. I was dating my son’s father at the time and I told him of my decision to re-dedicate my life to God. He appeared to be completely understanding of my decision and our discussion lasted well into the evening. Our discussion led to something more and a few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant: only the good Lord can convince me it was unintentional on his part. I managed to avoid pregnancy for thirty-one years; however, on the night I decided to admit that I was re-submitting to God I became pregnant, lol; I told my ex about my pregnancy and he said he would stand by me: of course standing by me meant continuing our sexual relationship without the bonds of matrimony. Once I told him this would not be the case because I was committed to re-consecrating my life to God he told me I was on my own, and I would need him eventually. That’s when I made up my mind that it was going to be me, my son, and God from there on out: I never looked back. I re-dedicated my life to God six-years ago and He has taken care of me and my son ever since. The Bible states, “He is a Father to the fatherless” and He has definitely been the BEST Father my son can have. Our Life has not been easy, but God has definitely kept us. I am by no means promoting single parenting; I am simply stating that since I have re-committed my life to God He has kept a hedge of protection around me and my son. When I look back over the past six years I have clearly heard that “still small voice” warning me of unseen dangers, and although I have both repented and experience conversion, NO I have not always heeded its warning.

TO BE CONTINUED