To recap my previous blogs, in blog one I began by discussing my ex-neighbor Olivia’s murder, the difference religion made in my life and developing a relationship with Jehovah: as well as experiencing TRUE repentance. In blog two, I explained how Olivia’s murder caused me to begin reflecting on my past experiences and how ignoring the “still small voice” that warns us of unforeseen dangers can impact our lives on different levels.  I briefly explained how my choices and behaviors, after conversion, contributed to my spiraling back into the world of sin. I talked about past relationships, what it meant to be accepted, respected, and loved unconditionally, as well as rededicating my life to God. In blog three, I talked about how God constantly turned my trials in triumphs, placed a hedge of protection around my life, and I finally discovered a place of peace and contentment. I ended blog three by stating, “There was only one thing missing in my life, a significant other” and how ill-prepared I felt concerning retuning to the dating scene. Nevertheless, after four years of living a single life, I met someone whom I felt sure both loved and feared the Lord. I felt certain he would be a good role model, friend, and more importantly he was the man God placed in my life to complete my family unit.

I begin by stating the obvious, my relationship with my ex started off about the same as anyone else’s. When I first met him I was not in the least bit attracted to him, which I considered a good sign at the time because as I stated in my last blog I was a visual being attracted to “eye candy”. Nevertheless, I grew to appreciate him within the first two months because he was extremely attentive: we would talk for hours on end. He stated he was spiritual not religious; he tried to help with my homework assignments, checked in regularly to make sure my son and I were okay, and pretty much did whatever it took to make sure I knew he was interested: that he cared. He did this although he lived two hours away. Weeks turned into months and my feelings for him started to develop, before long I felt the first stirring of LOVE. As time progressed I grew to love him, but I also felt undeserving of him. I seriously considered everything he represented: caring, considerate, self-employed, handsome, intelligent, etc, and I told myself he could do SO much better than me, yet HE CHOSE ME. The feeling of being unworthy of him stayed with me throughout our entire relationship. Nonetheless, as time progressed his attentiveness began to waiver, he went from calling two-three times a day to once a week: on a good week. I knew the relationship was in trouble when I mentioned his wavering interest and he stated, “He was busy with work and did not have time to talk like we use too”. The “still small voice” that I mentioned in my last three blogs began to warn me that I was headed down a dangerous path; I chose to ignore it and listened to my ex instead. I completely took my focus off of loving God and His word and placed it on my new relationship. The Holy Spirit started working over time to get my attention back on God; however, because I was focused on my ex and making our relationship work, I had a difficult time hearing it and COMPLETELY ignored ALL the warning signs.

Although I completely lost focus the Holy Spirit was working in the background to get me back on track. Four months into the relationship a complete stranger online (a Christian man I met on 360) warned me that my ex was seeing someone else. I decided a few weeks earlier to post his pictures on my profile in order to alert everyone that I was in a relationship. This man lived in the same city as my ex, saw the photos, and told me in no uncertain terms that my boyfriend was having relations with someone else. When I confronted my ex with the accusation he denied it and tried to convince me the only reason the guy was saying negative things about him was because he was jealous of him. As a former player, I knew he was lying but I pretended to believe him in order to rid our relationship of any unnecessary contention. After four years of being alone I wanted so badly to be in a relationship that I started to ignore ALL the other warning signs (or still small voice) which alerted me to the fact that this man was not sent from God as I had first perceived.

Our relationship hit a few bumps along the way and yet I held on, hoping and praying that this man would recognize my worth and love me the way I loved him. The problem with that mindset was that I did not recognize my own worth so why I expected him too was beyond me. When things started to unravel I gave him a key to my apartment: something I had never done in the past. At the time I felt that by including him in EVERY ASPECT of my life, in time he would do the same. Once I came to this conclusion I made it my mission to make sure all his creature comforts were met. I kept the refrigerator stocked with his favorite items, laid out fresh linen, cooked meals, took him to family gatherings, and honored EVERY request he made. Basically, I was playing the role of his wife with benefits. Needless to say, when it comes to relationships, hidden agendas are never a good idea. At this point I have to admit my ex never asked for the keys to my place, home cooked meals, or to meet my family, but because I wanted to be included in his life I did what I thought he wanted; all the while praying this would grant me access to his heart. I quickly realized that although I was doing everything I THOUGHT he wanted, nothing between us changed. He did not give me a key to his place, I was not allowed to visit unless he okayed it (although his key to my placed allowed him complete access to my life), and he  was still calling periodically (usually once every two weeks). Of course he had wonderful expainations for his actions, but the bottom line was that we were not on equal footing and I was unhappy. But even after everything, I still felt undeserving of him! The arguments started soon after, it bothered me that I was giving one hundred percent to the relationship and only receiving thirty in return. I tried repeatedly to explain how I felt but my concerns were brushed away as unrealistic expectations. In a matter of months I went from a place of peace and contentment to a place of undeniable misery. As time progressed I became someone I no longer recognized. I went from a God fearing, Bible reading, happy person to someone that even my friends and family did not recognize.  Finally I hit rock bottom, and I got to a place where I needed out; I was finally able to acknowledge that no matter how much I loved him he was not for me.

However, there was a problem; I did not know how to explain my decision to my ex. How was I going to explain to the man I loved that I wanted out? At the time, I found it difficult to explain to someone I claimed to love that although I loved him I needed to end our relationship. I struggled with the decision for weeks; I cried, and prayed, cried and prayed some more.  

TO BE CONTINUED