What I had not realized was that somewhere along the way my ex was growing to love me in return. When I finally decided to call it quits, the man I loved was now struggling to love me. He told me time and again he loved me; on many occasions he requested that I gave him time because there were things in his life I did not understand and he needed time to fix whatever they were. I, on the other hand, couldn’t understand why he felt the need to go at it alone; I thought that at this point in our relationship he already knew I had his back; after all I had proven this time and again. What’s more, he made our relationship more complicated by NOT trusting me enough to tell me what was really going on with him. All the same, I watched him trying to please me; he started by trying to fix the things I vocalized as problems; However, because I never talked about the REAL underlining issues:  like meeting HIS family, getting a key to HIS place (allowing me to finally feel like we were on equal footing), being able to visit more frequently, etc, he did not realize he was fighting a losing battle. In reality, throughout our entire relationship I never discussed things that were important to me; my main concern was making sure he was happy. When I looked at him struggling to meet my unspoken needs, I loved him even more for it. Nevertheless, too much damage had already been done. There were just too many lies, hurtful words, and general lack of commitment on his part. My self confidence hit an all time low during this period in my life, I felt completely inadequate because I simply could not disclose my true feelings to this man. I wanted him to be at ease in my presence; his job and life was stressful enough as is and I did not want to add to this. To this day I never told him about my feelings of inadequacy. Months went by and as I watched him struggling to please me I decided it might be best to wait and see if our relationship could endure its many trials. One year later we were still exactly where we had started, with me giving one-hundred percent and still receiving only thirty in return.  Of course there was an unforeseen twist, he decided that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship and called it quits. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement, after all my sacrifices he decided that he no longer wanted ME.  There was no where left to turn but back to my “FIRST LOVE”.

During the year and a half that I dated my ex I put God on the back burner, He placed second in comparison to the man I had chosen to give my all too. When he ended the relationship my world quickly fell apart: especially because I had forgotten WHOSE I was. I will be the first to admit that giving my all to someone only to have them re-pay it by walking out on me is the most hurtful thing I have experienced thus far. With this knowledge I entered into the darkest period of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for losing at love; I literally lost interest in everything and everyone. I dropped out of College, stopped working out, attending family functions, and church. The only thing that kept me from completely falling apart was my son. Every time I got close to giving into depression I reminded myself that my son was depending on me and I needed to keep it together for his sake. I hit rock bottom hard and fast and there was no one else to turn too, except the man I call “Abba aka Father”.

At this point there was no way to go but up. I did the only thing I knew to do, I cried out to my Father in prayer: along with fasting. To this day all I can say is thank God for His Mercy and Grace because He kept me. In the midst of my heart break I took comfort in God. I did this though meditation and imagining myself at God’s throne; once there I would kneel at His feet and tell Him all about my heart ache and pain. I did this every morning and evening for about three months and eventually I began to find peace. During this time I lifted my ex up in prayer as well because I wanted God to restore what I had allowed Satan to take away: my confidence in a most Sovereign God. During this time, I literally prayed for him more than I prayed for myself, I asked for healing and deliverance not only for myself but for him as well. Six months later I was on the road to recovery; like any addict I needed a ten-step program in order to regain my identity. I started with meditation and fasting, continued with scripture and music, followed by reading inspirational literature and blogs. Nine months into the recovery process I spoke to my ex, he told me that he was getting married to one woman and had yet another pregnant. First I was stunned, stunned turned into hurt, hurt turned into disbelief, disbelief turned in truth, truth turned into testimony. Once the initial shock wore off, I quickly realized that my ex was still the liar he had always been, the difference this time was that I was no longer naïve concerning his tactics. In nine months I had grown and matured in the Lord, and because of this my main focus was no longer being overly concerned with his happiness. I was finally able to disclose things that had bothered me in the past regarding our relationship and called him on his lies: both past and present. He unknowingly confessed too many of his indiscretions, and because of this I was on my way to finding closure and moving on with my life.

It took a few more months but I got to a place where I no longer felt unworthy of him; I finally realized he was the one who was actually unworthy of me. It took eleven-month, but I finally rediscover myself, faith, trust and commitment for an extremely merciful God. On the other hand, once I re-allowed God to re-take control of my life, I rediscovered whose I was: Daughter of Royalty, Sister to a Saviour, and next in line to wear the Crown.  It had taken me almost two years but I finally realized that God had given me my wings to “fly with the eagles” and I almost crash landed in the process. God was removing His “hedge of protection” (as I had requested) but because I lost focus I had forgotten that sometimes God prepares us by allowing us to go through a refining process. It’s in “refining process” that we grow and develop as individuals.  There are lessons to be learned and we are not supposed to allow the “process” to break us: we are to simply learn whatever lessons are being taught and move on to our next level. It took two years but I learned a lot in MY process. I learned not only how to receive but to give LOVE in return. I learned how to love unconditionally, and when to let love go.  I learned that there are no guarantees with love and love is more than just saying mere words: it should be followed with up action as well, because actions sometimes do speak louder than words. I learned about the different types of love and how one can differentiate between them.

SECURITY LOVE:
This love is the love that everybody needs to survive. It is that feeling of being cared for and nurtured. Some people would describe this as the type of love parents have for their children.
FRIENDSHIP LOVE:
This is a love between yourself and someone that is totally honest, open and comfortable. You really only have this kind of bond with a few people. You might know a lot of people and be "friendly" with them in a group situation but they are not the best friends I am talking about here.
ROMANTIC LOVE:
(The much anticipated love!) Most people experience this type of love many times in their life. It is when you see that person for the first time and he/she makes your knees go weak or gives you butterflies in your stomach .i.e. "Love at first sight”. Most people don’t even love the person they think they are in love with…they fall in love with the idea if being in love. This is more of a lustful kind of love; it wears off after a while.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE:
This is the sincere love, the love that lasts forever. This kind of love comes when you have found the person you are destined to be with. Nothing can destroy unconditional love. It is like when you have an argument or disagree about something with that person and you realize that it doesn’t bother you because the love you have for him/her overcomes everything.

Finally, I learned my worth, not just for myself but more importantly what I am worth to God. I learned that he loves me unconditionally, without reason. I learned that although I am unworthy of His grace or mercy He still chose me, blesses me, and causes me to prosper beyond my wildest expectation. I learned that I am truly blessed, prosperous, and highly favored not because of anything I did, but because of whose I am. I learned that like with any addict recovery is possible if you would only tap into the right source: God Almighty. Most Importantly, I learned that when you place anyone before God your relationships are doomed to fail because living a life pleasing to God should ALWAYS be your first priory.

TO BE CONTINUED