|
|
| |
|
| Rebel with a Cause's blog |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Bipolar - It is a disease |
|
| |
This is something that is very touchy and personal to me. I have been going though a process some call it a grieving process. I have finally come to the acceptance stage. Yuck. All I know is that for the last year I have had to face the fact that the more and more that I have a problem that needs to be addressed. I have been stretched through medications and unbelievable stressful situations. I have had to come to grips with the fact that indeed, I am bipolar and I am going to have to live with this disease for the rest of my life.
For many months, I have tried to find comfort in the psalmist David as he wrote. 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well. It amazed me that God actually did, before I was born 139:13 For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother's womb.
He knew I was going to be this way, and yet He sent His only Son to die for me.
For many years, it really wasn't all that bad. Four times a year, only on the equinox, changes of seasons. I was able to control it somewhat with lots of excercise, and a fervant walk with Jesus. Then there was the chemo treatment, that was bad and I just thought it was the treatment. Then there was the clomid fertility treatment, and we all know how that turned out (7 of 9). Then for the last six months, I have undergone levels of trials and tribulations, and stress that have actually spurred my disease to levels I have never known. It probably contributed somewhat to the failure of my marriage.
I tried for years to self medicate, we all know how that turned out, lots of addictions. Embarrassingly, enough I had even found that at one time I did find myself addicted to the mania part of this disease, until it became really distructive. Then I hated it, and me.
The ups and downs lately have been crazy. I have forgotten medicine. I have denied my disease. I have been angry at God that I was made this way.
This last episode was really bad though. I almost lost my life in the emergency room due to incompetency and prescribed overdose. My blood pressure was 60 over 30. Then my daughter is too scared to live with me anymore so she is going to live with Grandma and Grandpa for a while. That is ok, I need to get my life together.
God has really been changing me though 66:10 For thou, O God, hast tested us; thou hast tried us as silver is tried.
I also know this 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well.
Finally I have learned.....
To take my stinking medicine, even if it means I have to set many, many reminders on my cell phone, the computer and even sticky notes on the mirror.
|
|
| To leave a comment or start your own blog: |
 |
or |
 |
Already a member? Login |
|
|
|
|
| Hang in there Becky and keep looking to our Lord. You will make it! |
|
|
| Accepting and changing it is already a first step. Thanks Voice |
|
|
Mrs W |
 |
July 19, 2008 at 4:40pm |
|
I love you Becky - I love the picture - you both are so beautiful! This is a good blog-- For now unless you "know" something different has happened by the Hand of the Lord -- take the stinkin' medicine! MUAH! We need you sweetie - you are a gift to all of us --- in the Body! xoxoxoxoxox |
|
|
Mrs W Ain't God good. Yes when all seems lost, and bad, faith and grace will restore. I will hang on to this until my dying days.
I love you! |
|
|
Amy |
|
July 19, 2008 at 4:47pm |
|
| Becky, i too have bipolar (manic-depression). I was diagnosed in 1986. I have been hospitalized 2x, and was even in an institution for a while. It is definitely a physical illness. People who do not have it, have no clue how devistating this disease can be. It is not something that you just get thru or over. I do believe it is overly diagnosed however. But for those of us who truly have a chemical imbalance, it is serious. I have been on several meds over the years, and found out a couple of years ago that it is absolutely necessary for me to stay on my meds. I went off of them during the summer of 2004, and by Feb. 2005 i found myself in the middle of a nervous breakdown and the worst spiritual battle of my life. I know because of my relationship with the Lord and how He has answered me and worked in my life, that it is okay to be a christian who happens to have a little something called "bipolar." God can choose to heal us at anytime, but i have learned to accept the fact that my healing may not happen here, but definitely when i meet Him!! PTL!!! Living with it, is like living on a roller coaster that just wont stop. But thank goodness there is medicine that can slow that coaster down! I am happy for you, that you have finally come to terms with the fact that you have an illness, but just remember it doesnt have you!! God does! Keep putting one foot forward. God will continue to shine the light on the path He has before you! If i can ever be of any help to you, just let me know. I used to hate taking my medicine, but now i am just so thankful it is available. God bless you! |
|
|
Thank you so much Amy for your comments
This is something that has haunted me for a while. It was one of the last things about me that I absolutely HATED about myself, and it was the final thing that I was able to accept Jesus forgiveness for (I hope it is the final past issue). Anyway, it is overdiagnosed as you said, and for us that suffer. It affects us terribly, and family members, and friends even more as they try to understand.
Bless you as you walk with Jesus and this thorn in our sides. |
|
|
Mrs W |
|
July 19, 2008 at 5:32pm |
|
I love you Becky! xoxoxoxoxox |
|
|
| I remember once hearing Deborah Belonik ( the wife of an Orhtodox priest) talk about her time spent in depression, here she was, a leading writer on women in the church, the wife of a priest and working on her masters of divinity, and she was locked up by depression. She talked of staying at home on Sunday, and just holding her icon(painting) of Christ and praying me and you Lord, me and you. Remeber He is constantly revealing His image and likeness in you. He has taken even depression with Him to the cross. Remember that His actions have caused doctors, researchers, and others to use their God given gifts to create those medicines that are bringing you relief. Keep on keeping on....... |
|
|
Dennis Thanks. What a great story. Yes.. Keep on keeping on.
Evangelist Love ya too |
|
|
Some studies have shown that Omega three can help lesson the symptoms of Bi-Polar . |
|
|
| I work daily with Christians who have Bi-Polar , proper diet and lots of exercise can also help a great deal . |
|
|
| Becky... I am not bipolar... but I minister to several who are... I agree, it is a disease. I have watched those like yourself go through torment... try the best they can to heal themselves... to stay on their meds, while going through many other stages, to include self hate and self condemnation and judgment from those who have no idea what it is to walk through such... each has a relationship with the Lord... and each have not given up on HIM... nor HIS power to heal/deliver them... although they may not understand why what is ... is what it is. All have lived with condemnation... some have been set free from such and some have been able to forgive themselves... and God... having had Father's unconditional love and mercy revealed to them experientially. For some... being diagnosed with any disease they are powerless to heal, set themselves free from ... has become their thorn in the flesh. Diseases such as being bipolar is not an excuse to sin for them... it is a reason why they are as they are... and why they must trust HIM and in HIS love, seek HIS power more than others, as they go through the process... with hope of it ending 'someday soon'... so they can walk in the fruits of the Spirit as their norm. My heart goes out to all of you... you are in my prayers. |
|
|
| Many have joined the journey with you here Becky. Stay with us gal, we won't turn our backs on you. |
|
|
| World Love Yes I am starting a proper diet, more vegetarian, and lots of excercise. Forgot I loved tennis so much till a friend reminded me. |
|
|
Holy Spirit Within - wow.. thanks for ministering to me... I really appreciate it more than you will ever know. Thanks a million.
Mike - Thanks. I know.. ya all are good folks and I like ya lots. |
|
|
| We love you Becky , peace, be still |
|
|
| awsome blogi know how it is i am bipolar too and i am only12 years old but the lord will help you through it just keep your faith in him and he will guide you all the way |
|
|
World Love Thanks love ya back. Selah
Jesus Freak - Wow! You are amazing. Realizing this at such a young age will save you much pain. Bless you! Yes He will guide and direct us |
|
|
| Becky... I am blessed to read what I said ministered to you. My heart grieves deeply for those like yourself. Yes... diet has helped somewhat... as has inner healing, but for some it is a long journey to wholeness.... and a continual battle, often one which comes and goes unexpectedly. Today I was led to minister to one who not only is bipolar... (diagnosed at 15, now in her 40's), who has been on many different types of meds over the years... (to include a season of self medicating with illegal drugs), but also has other complications... such as anxiety attacks, social disorder and disassociation. Other complications seems to be a common pattern, for many have been abused and taken advantage of in multiples ways over the years. ADD and ADHD is common among those who are Bipolar too, sometimes. It is sad... but Bless YOU Father, they have hope and faith! She is a new believer... and is learning to pray and seek HIM daily. He set her free from Cocaine instantly, so she knows His power and is pressing into HIM with all her heart... in particular she hates her outbursts of rage... she says she knows she does not mean it, but it is there sometimes and she feels powerless to keep it from coming out. Please keep her and others like yourself in your prayers... if you are able and inspired to do so... if you have not already been moved to do such. He knows their names... Thanks... bren |
|
|
Kathy |
|
July 19, 2008 at 9:19pm |
|
| A prayer for you, Becky. You have been through so much . . . |
|
|
| Holy Spirit Within - Yep you know me... that was me too. Self medicate with drugs and alcohol. Yes I will keep them all in prayer, the young, the old, and the ones who haven't quite realized it yet. It can be quite dehabilitating, but properly medicated with proper living, and wholeness in Christ can really help overcome. Bless you lots. |
|
|
| Kathy As always thanks for your prayers. God is preparing me, and it is going to be amazing... just wait and see. Love you |
|
|
becky i feel the same way alot of time i have bipolar disorder and i got diagnoised when i was 23 which is 31/2 years ago and i was going to speak of how i feel and how i struggle with it but u said it all and i agree with what holy spirit said and i'm crying as i am saying this i don't know what to do half of the time and sometimes i don't know what to do with myself but the meds are good and yes they have mixed me up with the wrong meds and than tried getting me back on the right meds and than no one understands me and sometimes i feel like i'd be better off if the doctors didn't save my life when i was a baby and well i feel trapped in my body and i don't know how to diagnoise myself but yes as holyspirit said it is a roller coaster and it is hard day to day and well when they told me i have bipolar disorder they said pretty much u have had this ur whole life and it is so frustrating to know i could of had this squared away and had plans incase things happen and i don't have creative ways like most kids with it do and i feel so misunderstood and i don't know what to do but i know that christ jesus is always going to be with me if no one else will and i feel so embarrassed to have it and i don't know why i have it why me i don't get it i already have a slow learning disability and an educable mental handicape and i have had that since my birth and after the surgery i had when they cut the one part of my intestine that wasn't developed all the way out and sowed me up and sowed my stomach back up and fed me through my stomach for two months and than i learned slow for the rest of my life and school was unbearable and horrible for me and frightening and like hell everyday for me and little did i know latter down the road i would find out at age 24 i have bipolar disorder and have had it my whole life pretty much and my life hasn't been the same my whole life and i'm very sad and depressed and hurting right now so i love and care for u all very much hugs and kisses to u all and god bless u all richly and abundantly with lots of god's unconditional love and also bountifully love u all.oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
love in christ jesus rebekah leigh byrne
P.S. that was my story and their is more too it but i am too sad and hurt and depressed right now and need to talk to my lord jesus christ right now |
|
|
Rebekah Leigh Byrne - I am so very grateful you stopped by to read this blog. I so feel your pain, it is so misunderstood, and if you don't have it, some really can't understand it. It is such a struggle to find the right meds, the right treatment, the right mix of everything. You are going to get through this... keep on keeping on.
By the way. I am on Lamictal it is new. I have heard that ambililify is a very good new drug that is very similar to Lamictal, but it has more side affects. I also have to take serequel as a sleeping pill. Sometimes I take more of the sleeping pills, sometimes less. I have learned to read my swings over time.
Please sister, don't be depressed. There is comfort in knowing there is others of us suffering with the same struggles of bipolar disease. Please read what Holy Spirit within wrote, It actually ministered to me much. Sadly, I actually had become addicted to the mania part of my bipolar disease, and had to realize too that this was not healthy.
Please reach out, You are not alone.
Jesus loves you and so do I. |
|
|
Bren - by the way. I am also very ADHD as well. I do type a 100 wpm and think about 200 wpm...but when I am mania it is almost twice that speed. A friend of mine said that when I was conversing with him the otherday on IM that he actually thought his monitor was going to blow as it was working overtime. HA...but it was a bad sign.
Like I added to my blog... at one time I found myself addicted to the mania parts of the disease... I loved how much I could do during that time, until it really became weird and distructive, then I hated it and myself. |
|
|
Glenn |
|
July 20, 2008 at 12:54pm |
|
Thank you Becky for sharing your struggles with us. I will continue to pray for you, and thank you for your support with my friend Justin. God Bless you with His peace |
|
|
I havent' read any other comments yet, and please don't hate my guts, but you know I will give it to you straight, adn call it as I see it. First of all, I am not a name-it-claim-it, but I do believe that God is our Healer, and that He can heal you! He doesn't want you on all sorts of meds with no peace. Jesus is our peace, and He said that His peace He gives us and leaves with us. God also says somewhere in Isaiah that He keeps in perfect peace Him whose mind is fixed upon Him, because they trust in Him. I know "bipolar" is real, but so is cancer, and schitzophrenia and all sorts of stuff but God can deliver us from them all! Sorry, i don't have much respect for pyschiatrists who don't know Jesus, because I know what they did to me, and the Lord says taht "Blessed are those who walk not in the counsel of the ungodly." God is your final authority and He says He can heal you. Don't let those ppl tell you you will NEVER get better...that it will ALWAYS be liek this. Jesus said He's oru peace, so is He a liar? No, of coures not. One of the few things God can't do! So don't give in to it. dont' say "OK, it is fine. I will learn to live with this.". No, God says no. He hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND. So who will you believe? The world or the Lord? I love ya, Becky, so I hope you take this from me. And when you hear God say to you: GOD mind you, not someone else--He has delivered you and you don't need the meds anymore--then praise de Lord! You will NOT need them. He is able. And He loves you and wants to set you free. Believe in that. HOPE in that. It's truth, not my opinion. My opinion doesn't mean squat. |
|
|
Hi Rebekah and Becky... My heart understands your pain and your hope... one thing those who have this disease have in common to quote Rebekah is: i know that christ jesus is always going to be with me if no one else will and I agree!!! He is faithful to bring you through... not according to your thinking, or your timing aways, but His faithfulness is abounding and those who know HIM can attest to such..... whether they have this disease or other struggles. In some cases, the symptoms of diseases brings people to the Lord... and in the end HE works all out for the good.
I believe it would be of help to many if you are empowered to share what you go through without dwelling on it in such a way it sends you into depression or causes you to feel humiliated.... because others, who have lack of tranquility may be able to identify in some ways and it can help them to understand and free them to seek help when they do... (as you may know, some feel too ashambed to go to the Lord/Doctor or condemn themselves so much, they feel hopeless, damned if they do and damned if the don't, especially when those who do not undertstand 'react', seeking to keep their own sanity while caught up in the cycles of this disease, often unaware it is a disease which is affecting all involved. By sharing... you may help them to be better prepared to go through such with the one in their life who is battling such, often misunderstood, while they do). May I suggest that you share how HE has helped you... some of your struggles and the insights/victories you have received on your way to wholeness? I know each case is unique... and the symptoms of this disease can vary from person to person... even so, you may be a light to many still in darkness... by doing so you may give them hope with your positive examples of HIS overcoming power and unconditional love... which brings you through... not necessarily in your timing and in the ways you hoped... but Bless the Lord... you are brought through and are stronger through HIS Spirit than before.... as are those who went through this battle with you in many cases....
|
|
|
| Praying for all of you who are bipolar. I've had one friend who self medicated with alcohol, it took his life 2 years ago this very month. It's so hard, I do understand, and my heart goes out to you. |
|
|
| | As one who can only speak as an observer, one who has been called to minister to those who have the above disease... I would like to offer as well... what I have discerned while doing so, among some who are bipolar/ADD or ADHD .... one who has such, has a brain disorder. Their brains are not wired in such a way they can control their thinking and thus actions as times.... so the Lord HAS to step in and remind them repeatedly of Phil 4:8 and work all out for the good for them, so the fruits of the Holy Spirit can be developed in them as they are healed/delivered; while reminding them there is NOW no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus... empowering them to know HIS unconditional love experientially, as they discover they can become new creations through Christ. Such a one must depend on the strength of the Lord and not their own. Please keep this in mind, as you read of 'some' of the symptoms I have observed, "some" battle with... some daily, as they truly take up their cross... seeking to deny their unredeemed nature, to become who HE created them to be in/through Christ.... through the hope HE has given them... a knowing which is truly a gift of grace. May we stand with them in faith.... remembering the grace we too walk in through Christ.
Some of those who are controlled by the symptoms of these diseases are not tranquil inside... nor do they have clear thinking... it is hard for them to focus/prioritize. Some often feel like they are about to explode... and often do.... whether it be with joy, productivity or rage, confusion it matters not. Some alternate between feeling euphoric or suicidal. Their thinking can go from one extreme to another... and some are not in touch with what is going on (it takes years of maturity)... so they cannot explain their feelings and/or ask for help... or are aware they need/can get help. Some are too ashamed to reach out... for they condemn themselves.. and/or feel condemned or are condemned by those who do no understand they have a disease (not a excuse to sin, but a reason they are as they are at times)... but eventually the Lord breaks through and brings them into HIS Kingdom of Light... and begins the healing process... having used their symptoms as a stepping stone to lead some to an intimate loving relationship with HIM and a loving relationship with others.... teaching them all MUCH along the way as they all become overcomers through Christ. Bless You Father for opening eyes and revealing Your truth to all touched by this disease... Bless You our ultimate victory over sin and disease is through Christ.
Some often think according to how they are feeling ... and soon their feelings try to overcome them... their feelings, even if not rational begin to control them, unless the Spirit of the Lord in them overtakes them and sets them free. During such moments they cannot be reasoned with, because they have wrong thinking. Some are aware this is taking place... but are unable to stop themselves. Bless You Lord, when such a one is surrounded by those who understand and can walk with them as they are healed. Their mood can swing from positive to negative quickly, or over a period of time... during such occasions, some have extreme thinking and their actions match their thinking. Symptoms/actions vary.... from what appears to be positive to them and corrupt thinking to observers. When the Holy Spirit breaks through... they are able to draw upon HIM and HIS truth... and thus the battle lessens, and eventually comes to an end quicker than it once did, once they have learned new ways of dealing with it through the power of Christ within.
Through such battles into victory... the Spirit of the Lord renews the Spirit of their mind with HIS truths... (and often does such for those who are drawn into their cycle with them) and teaches each compassion and the need for forgiveness, and the need for unconditional love and non judgmentalism... sometimes after the fact... once each can see beyond themselves and the immediate circumstances. (Some are unaware they are not in this disease alone, it affects many, not just the one who is being controlled by some of it's symptoms... many are unaware the one with Bipolar has a disease and have their own sets of battles they are going through.) Panic attacks... social disorders, disassociation and other symptoms can compound this, if they have been abused, emotionally... physically... sexually and the like.
Changing their diet and Med's help... but sometimes it takes years to find the right med and change their habits, and the process can be a trial in an of itself. Sometimes the side affects seem worst to the one who is ill... than the symptoms of the disease they have become use to living with as their norm, thus they stop taking the drugs. Many give up or because of their pain, self medicate. Because the highs can be addicting... it is hard for some to let go of them... and thus they miss them, when they go on meds, and their mind begins to become more balanced. The highs can be a comfort zone... even though they know they will probably ending up crashing ... their irrational thinking tells them, they feel better, so they are better. During such moments, some will go off their meds... only to crash in the end... sometimes harder than in the past. Some will self medicate, before going back on once again and stay off for long seasons, some are able to learn and go back on quickly... having been convicted. This pattern for many... is a roller coaster ride which can be terrifying as well as thrilling.... and thus they can be addicted to the drama. It is like they are momentarily insane... they cycle from feeling good... and even superior to others... because some think so fast and can be highly creative/productive in such moments of euphoria... to feeling depressed... even to the point of hopelessness... some have battled with thoughts of suicide. Some battle with rage because they can't control what is happening and they feel like everyone is in their face... even when this is not the case. BUT... deep within most know the Lord is their helper in times of need... and thus they cry out to HIM and HE is faithful to be there... in ways where All can see His Sovereignty.
Some who do not understand the feelings... cycles they are going through are symptoms of a disease... project outward and blame those/that which is outside of themselves or condemn themselves and hurt themselves, by way of self punishment ... self fulfilled prophecies... be they planted through their own thoughts, or the condemning words of others who are ignorant or misunderstand the symptoms of this terrible disease Bless the Lord... those who are believers are set free from these destructive cycles. Both those who live with such a one and the one who has the disease.
If being bipolar is compounded with ADD or ADHD... confusion, and the inability to focus and thus motivate oneself rises to the surface... causing them in such moments to pray with all their might.... even if it is to only say 'HELP!'.
Many are on disability... and cannot support themselves or their families, which leads to low self esteem... and self judgment, or judgments from those who do no understand, experientially. BUT... like Becky said above: i know that christ jesus is always going to be with me if no one else will and I agree, having seen such to be true!
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called, according to HIS purpose. Romans 8:28 |
|
|
|
Lara... if I may add: I am not saying medication is a must... but God does use it... perhaps as much as HE heals without it.... sometimes it is only needed temporarily, therefore there need not be condemnation within the one who uses it. Sometimes it is what HE desires... having given us every herb of the field (even medicial ones), for our use.... revealing in our day HE has redeemed all to HIS glory! If one KNOWS for sure HE says to stop taking medicine or to trust HIM for their healing... they can't help but be obedient... He having given them the gift of faith, revealing HIS grace.
I have been healed supernaturally on many occasions, have been scheduled for surgery... and the doctors have not been able to find the problem once the day came... so I KNOW HE heals through divine intervention... I also know... Jesus healed in many ways which confounded the wise... and we need not fear limiting HIM or being obedient... we only need to beware of presumption. Thus it is good to take all to our Father in prayer.... knowing we can indeed trust in the fact HE will work our will whatsoever way HE wills it... and HIS sheep can hear HIS voice... that is a promise which comes with the gift of faith.
For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of HIS good pleasure. Philippians 2:13
Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6 |
|
|
| Actually i really really love what HolySpiritwithin just said, because yes, it is a real thing, and NO you should absolutely NOT feel condemned, but YES the Lord can heal you and bring you through so that the fruit of the Spirit will abound in your life, and the ppl in the world will be all the more in awe of God's awesome power, like, "YOU have bipolar? But you are so peaceful! You are so level in your moods!" and you can say, "Look what the Lord hath done." I know you are an overcomer, Becky, and more than a conqueror with Christ living in you! Also like what Mrs W said about taking your meds til GOD says differently. I've seen ppl influenced by others faith-pushing, and ending up snapping or in seizures, so unless God tells you, then yes, take the meds. But God has a better long term plan, honey! Rest assured. Like the old hymn goes: Trust and obey! We ALL need to do that! And I had a chemical imbalence too, and the Lord healed me, contrary to what the secular counsellors said would be my only means of healing (counselling and Paxil). God takes the wisdom of this world and makes it into foolishness. Love you! |
|
|
| Wow... leave for a while and you have to read a book! brb |
|
|
Glenn - I am glad you found some hope. I hope Justin can come to grips and doesnt start the evil self medication path. It is one that is hard to get out of, and painful.
But then again, I do want all to know this disease is also very over diagnosed, not all people are bipolar. They must have the extreme Highs and Lows. Not sleeping for days or weeks. Crazy stuff, ending up in another state, running a car off into a lake cause you thought it would float. Now I didn't do all that, but I have heard of others that have done some really crazy stuff....
Oh well once, on the chemo I did tile my complete kitchen... the countertops and the cabinets everything but the backsplash... everyone tried to be kind, but it looked horrible. Thank goodness I had a good bonus that year and could remodel. |
|
|
My dearest Lara Leger Dont you know that is what I love about you the bestest. You shoot straight from the hip. I already sent you this in a personal message, but I am going to copy it for others out there.
Oh no problem... like I may or may not have said in the blog... it used to be only 4 times a year... lots of excercise and eating right, praising Jesus on 100 mile bike rides per week, listening to Third Day, and singing out loud when I wasn't dodging trees or out of breath.
This has just been an amazingly difficult year. Some of you that are close to me know how bad it has been. I know for me, stress really kicks it off... also I can be high on the holy spirit. That is what happened last week at vacation bible school for pastors, evangelists, and adults... WOW was it good. Kept me up for a few days reading, praying and fasting.
I am going to an amazing church now...ended up there by accident quite funny.. but it was a God thing... Got lost looking for another church... Got frustrated... wanted to drive 40 miles to my old church and then I saw people walking into another... took me twice of attending to realize they were all black and I was the only white person in there... maybe because I was drunk, and wanted oh so badly to kill myself... but they have loved me into an amazing place I have never known... and I am beginning to actually get some soul and some white girls can dance sober... HA
No my craziness has pushed my daughter away. She doesn't want to come back for a year... for her it is almost like I am drunk all the time. She hates it, she hated my drunken states, she grew up with it and when I was on my chemo she parented both of us at the age of ten. I have to get my life together. Still cant get a job. Hard with 2 degrees overqualified and underqualified without a CPA or MBA. I think God is wanting something else for me now... New York is calling me, or the streets of Philly, Kenya is in my heart as well as the Gaza strip... also so is the beach. I could move by the beach have lots of friends by the beaches in NC and FL.
No worries my dear Obi One Kanobi.. the force is now with me stronger than ever. I am good, and so is God. My healing and deliverance is coming. I know with proper excercise, and diet and fervant walk with the Lord it can be drastically minimized or almost nothing. It was before I got married, and it can happen again. I am now playing tennis again, hadnt played since I went to state at the age of 17, balling it at the basket ball court, helping the homeless, ministering to the drug dealers, and praising Jesus like no other.
I have lots of hope sister and so should you.
No worries my dear Obi One Kanobi.. the force is now with me stronger than ever. I am good. Stay tuned for more |
|
|
Holy Spirit - I completely agree, although, I could completely get high and bipolar on the Holy Spirit too. Darned if I do, Darned if I don't.. Ha! No really, there was this amazing radio show that would have music that I knew was just for me, old stuff, powerful stuff, then after three songs this man got on and ministered. It was from 1am to about 5am....thus some blogs I always wrote at early hours. Also like I said, last week it was the adult vacation bible school that set me off. The officer that took me to the ER said he had never heard such a good sermon in his church. He just shook his head as the orderly forced 3x as much sleeping pills down my throat as I normally take. I tried to refuse but they threatened another involuntary commitment to the psych ward and with one already on my record, and looking for a job, didn't need that on my personal record in case it gets reported on there.
This statement says a lot for me: without dwelling on it in such a way it sends you into depression or causes you to feel humiliated For me, it not only sent me into a depression but a self loathing, I HATED myself anymore and if you all know my testimony which needs to be updated... I had way too much baggage to add even more to the hating. Some turn to drugs and alchohol... some relapse, I know this one too.
Anyway, it is a disease for some at certain times, for others it is very debilitating and frustrating as it always haunts every moment in their lives.
I am glad we can talk about it as it has always been misdiagnosed, over diagnosed and wrongfully treated for far too long. I am one of the lucky ones. I have a really good psych who not only gives me drugs, listens, he actually give me bible verses to read too. Not all are that blessed.
Thanks for your encouragement, you have no idea that you are actually helping some in my church as I keep printing this off for her. Pray for Beverly too. |
|
|
| Cindy Lou Thanks so much. Yes I know people even commit suicide because of it, I know, I tried many times. Thanks |
|
|
Holy Spirit Oh yeah... Seriously ADHD here, some of you know, I can type 100 wpm and think almost 200 wpm. Crazy. But this is one of many a thorns in my side as Paul said, I will have to learn to overcome it with His Grace and Mercies.
Yep NEVER tranquil inside, and bursts of anger is what made my girl want to leave her mom. It is killing me, but this is for the best. I have to get my life together. Or this is going to kill me, even at my own hand. I even struggled with cutting and alchohol last week, but God saw me through it, and I begged the policeman to take the blades out of my carpenters knife in the tackle box, I was fishing on the pier, and the one that was stashed in my bible. He did, then he thought I would hurt myself with my pool cue poker, I am not that crazy. HA Wouldn't want any blood on my pool stick. I got game and am a real pool shark.
Yes I hated my feelings. They controlled me. Remember 7 of 9... she was a borg, she had no feelings at all. She was my hero. Also there was Topal, a vulcan, she surpressed her feelings and she too was my hero until she had an addiction to some mineral, and she also struggled with her feelings. I had to learn feelings may be real but they are not necessarily true. Oh and the only star trek wanna be I am going to be in the future is on my hog, a sportster, on the way to the trekkie convention in Vegas, baby.
Each battle has been very hard. My entire family, ex families, and friends have abandoned me in my need. Only a few have stuck around that would be some at church, here and my truest bestest sister chick and she has a degree in this. But as you know when walking with the Lord no battle is too hard, remember David and Goliath, or what about the battle at Jericho? Hmmm chew chew chew on the word.
Yes right meds, and Psychs are the keys. But also getting to know yourself as you said is also a key. I became soooo addicted to the mania, I could get much done. You know taking care of a family of 6 sometimes 7 and trying to blog and renovate can really take a lot of time. So can moving when you are the only one unpacking or putting things in the attic. Sorry, don't want to show my bitterness, but when I was High I took on these chores because I liked being High. It was more legal than the drugs I took in the past.
Yes knowing yourself, your cycles and loving yourself enough not to put yourself through this torture is the Key. I mean didn't Jesus say to Love yourself as you Love your neighbor. Pretty hard to do when you hate yourself.
I have thought about disability, I mean really. I have been involuntarily commited twice. I have many witnesses on MyChurch and was reported. I was diagnosed at 15. I mean come on what more proof do they need. Maybe 5 times at rehab, oh yeah and 6 DUIs and 1 Possession. Hmmmm... Sounds bipolar to me.
WOW! Great Scriptures Holy Spirit - Yes and I will be free indeed in Christ who strengthens me.
We will see about me, as I am going to an amazing church as I said. I have seen so many miracles of healing there. A man had inoperable cancer, under the brain. They told him he probably wouldn't make it out of the surgery just because of where it was. They prayed over him, and when he went back in for pre-op scans.. the doc was amazed. The cancer moved from under his brain to right in his nasal passages. The doc said he could almost pull it out with tweezers. The same man got cancer of the stomach and was once again healed. NOTHING is impossible for My Lord, I have the faith of the size of a bowling ball, not just a mustard seed.
Wow.. that was long...
Love you Holy Spirit- Keep on with your ministry, and be encouraged you are amazing. Bless you dearly
|
|
|
Lara you are so dear and sweet to me. My healing is coming for both this ugliness and my Hepititis C. I know it and I believe it. My God is a big God and He can move my mountains in an instant. I only have to believe like the lady who only wanted to touch Jesus' cloak.
Yep Lara, a fighter I am. So I will be taking what I need to take to live some sort of normallcy in my life so I can get my daughter back with me. See she is of legal age, I cannot threaten my dad with divorce papers that show I am the legal gaurdian anymore. She just couldn't live with mom like this anymore. It scared her, and it is breaking my heart so much. But it is the best for now, and I all to know what God can do and I believe He has Great things in store for me.
Love you my Canadian Sista Chick |
|
|
WOW, I am either going to have to chill on the playing pool or blog at the pool hall. HA
THanks for all your awesome comments. |
|
|
| Praying for you my sister!!! |
|
|
| Doyle - Praying for you as well my dear brother. |
|
|
| Becky, something else you know about me by now is that I support you no matter what, honey. I love ya to pieces and even when you have "fallen to pieces", but God is picking them up and will make you whole again. You know you got my prayer support and my love no matter what, girl! I am not God, and I don't "know it all", but I know I need to love you through thick and thin....just as I would want ppl to do for me! XOXOXOXOXO |
|
|
| LOL Sorry, that is HAD fallen to pieces! sorry for the type-o! |
|
|
Lara - yeah I know what you mean. Just really, REALLY, tired of falling to pieces. Thanks for the prayers. I know you got my back
Love ya |
|
|
Becky I will be praying for you. I am so glad you wrote this. My son is 22 and has bi-polar and will not take medication. He was diagnosed with ADD very young and did not do well on Ritalin, by high school I could not get him to take medication at all. I bought some books on bi-polar and it was like reading our lives. It is so hard to be a Mother of someone who has bi-polar disorder. I have told him, God knew he had to have a Mom who was an evangelist anyone else would have given up on him. He has 2 children now by different women and I pray that he doesn't keep going from relationship to relationship. I have learned when he is verbally abusive, I tell him he has to leave my house and go home. I use to argue with him and listen to him, but not anymore. He will tell me he feels sick and my response is always, take your medicine. He was saved as a little boy and said he wanted to be a Pastor. When he was 9-10 years old, I would say I have a headache and he would reach over and lay his hand on my head and say In Jesus name and my headache would leave. We have went thru the drugs and rehab with him, the awful driving record (still getting speeding tickets). Have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on lawyers, rehab ect... It is so draining to watch self destruction when I know there is help available if he would only acknowledge he has a problem. Please keep him in prayer and our family. This blog was very eye opening to me. I have learned just by looking at him if he is in "a manic mode" that's what I call it. I keep praying that God will draw Craig back to him. That Craig will cry out to God for help. He has a fear of medicine, anytime he takes any medicine he thinks he has the possible reactions. I ask him, how could you take street drugs and not be afraid and you won't take a prescription. He says, I never popped pills. I am proud of him right now, he quit smoking when his son was born March 18th as a premie and he has not been drinking anymore. So other symptoms are worst because he is not self-medicating. Any way, thanks for this blog. Shellie |
|
|
Oh you are sooooo welcome. Yes been there, done that. Like I said, I have been much better without so much stress. Also lots of excercise, proper diet, prayer, and praises help. So does getting out of yourself and helping those less fortunate than you.
When I was hardly on any meds I would bike 100 miles and walk at least 20 miles. I ate fairly good. It was a weight watchers for christians called First Place. I only had them on the equinox. It was a good life. Trying to get back there....
Played 5 hours of tennis today 1 hour of pool, helped feed the homeless at my church, and played one hour of Bball stayed on my vegitarian diet.
Life is pretty good, but I am not giving up my meds quite yet.
Bless you sister. Keep praying |
|
|
| I meant keep praying for your son. It will all work out. Trust in Him. |
|
|
| |
