See we work from before sun up to long after the sun goes down.

I am sitting here going after all the small ends of the day trying to finish this and that project while also talking and dealing with the kids and all of the others that need delt with. How hard did you work today? My Friend  is alseep and snoring enough to rip the wall paper off the walls..

 I started to blog so that I could talk to myself out loud and never feel so bad about everything. I wish I could explain.

todays scripture at the bottom is

Sometime I feel like at our church We do a Great Job at this and then there are days when I feel like I am a hundrend Miles away from everyone.. I hope they cant see that

So lately I have had this unbelievable urge, It is a strong urge with reason after reason behind it...(its is nothing like suiside or moving out of state.. but to me its another thing) I can not bring my self to even say what it is. My Best Freind who lives very near by doesn't know or understand where I am coming from.. never .Talking to people about me has never been my strong point, we can discuss physics or calculas we can discuss parachuting using underwear sewn together... but me.. no thats not important. not only is this urge killing me but.. stupid desicions and things that I have chosen are making things hard too. and to top it all off I am in the middle of a divorce and I have kids... I have no family (outside of my church) to even talk to .... and then again do I even talk to them???

the divorce is complicated since I honestly dont believe in divorce, but I couldnt stay there any more.. Satan really messes with a person who for years said I can endure anything as long as it doesnt effect my kids. Then it started affecting my kids.. How does a parent live with the fact that she is the one who stayed because she believed that was what she needed and it messed up her kids so bad that its hard on them now years later? and what about the future?how will it effect them then?

So then we can say all about the squashed dreams and the point in my life that I gave up on every dream  I ever had...Some when I got pregnant, some when I got married, some when I realized WHAT I had done.  

So how hard did you work today? I didnt work really hard.. I thought really hard about what to write in this blog... about how to deal with these things, and since no one knows I guess the only opinion is mine. HOW SAD.

have you ever been told something so discouraging by the doctor that you never told anyone? hiding things has become my life style.not because i am gay or anything like that just becasue i hate to explain thing to people. .....WHY I want to shout. Why do I hide it? am I ashamed, no not really I just dont want to hear it.. the What can we do? the Can we pray? My GOD hears me too!  Doesn't He? sometimes I wonder, Why i am a christian, I cant fulfill my calling, I cant seem to find a place where I feel like I belong in the church.. although please dont think for a minute I will trade what I do in the church just because i dont think its what I am called for.. I am vital, I am important, I do what I am asked and I am Greatful for that. 

My friends were talking about how God says that we get into "pits" And listening to this made me soooo angry because we are to rely on our church and our friends and our shovels to get us out.. People like me use their hands and struggle to get out everytime. even when I thnk I am out I am not always out enought that I can walk on my own, sometimes i am barely getting by. so now its 9:30 p.m. and I am sooo really tired. but why go tobed I still have to do laundry and clean up for tomorrow. I am the ARMY of 1. I am the MOM . I am a christian and I am a Child of God.. I used to say that I am called.. But even now that memory, that passion is fading away.