| my tender. loving God |
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My first discovery of God not being an imagined wall, nor a stern powerful figure to whom I occasionally lifted prayer was the night before I came to Toronto Ontario from Moncton, N.B. (in Canada, y'all!). My family, cousin or two, friend or two were all in my mom's kitchen for the purpose of seeing me off.... I think. I say I think, because my mom's house was always the gathering place for family +. But not one said anything like, "Gee Denise, your going so far.. I'm gonna miss you. When will you be back." I excused myself, went to bed early. Once there, I was pondering all these sad life scenarios - how much misery the earth holds.. thinking, no ones happy on this earth. // I began to talk to God with anger, but also tearfully, with grief. "If your so good, why is (this) happening, and why is (that) happening (starving african children, abused children, mothers, misery this n that). " I added, You even say your a jealous God in the Bible. Well, whats so good about that! (Not at that point understanding God's holy jealousy over our souls), // I then looked out the window to my left, and though it wasn't raining, I thought, " If I keep this up God will strike me with lightning. // THis is the point God waited on - my expression that I thought of Him as a big bully who wouldn't stand for such talk. At this point, I felt a touch to my right upper arm. Knowing no physical presence was with me, I still turned to check on the touch. Before my eyes were completely turned, the touch had gone passed my arm straight through into my heart. My anger, sadness, and fear was completely lifted out and I felt immediate peace, and joy. The questions dissipated for the time being. My God was real, and had just touched me. This touch held a thousand words of love. Its as if he had said, "Denise, I really AM here. And I see you. I know your pain under your angry words. " // It was a whole 15 years later before I found my Lord... while I still steered my life as if in a canoe with oars down. So that 15 yrs later I was a single parent of three young children when I finally understood, repented of my sinfulness, and accepted Jesus as my Saviour and Lord. // It was 2, 3 days later that I recognized that Jesus promise to send the Holy Spirit as teacher, guide, counsellor had materialized. He had taken the key to my heart, and mind. When I stepped out the door of my unit in the subsidized bldg, I suddenly pained for everyone I saw in that building, and began to reach out to them. With Christ's pain, Christ's love, in me. // be blessed today. denise
12:14 Strive for peace with all men, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. |
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