Hi!  I'm so glad we are listed as each other's friends.  I like to talk and I've been thinking of you.  And, praying for you.  The last thing I want to be is judgemental.  I hope I didn't sound like that in my last response.  I've been where you are at and I wish it had left me with lots of answers that I can impart to you but, it didn't.  Sometimes you don't get that miraculous sign from heaven that tells you everything you want to know or takes away all the hurt.  Sometimes, you just have to survive it.  I'm worried about you.  I know you said you wouldn't harm yourself yet, you are wondering what it would feel like to drown.  I know that isn't exactly what you said but in a way you did say it.  Then you go on to wonder who would take care of your children.  I am very worried about you.  The best person for your children is you. 

When I was going through a very horrific time in my life, I began to focus on the little things just to get through my day.  Such as, what was the very minimum I believed in.  I found that I, at the very least, believed there was a God.  Not to believe didn't make any sense to me.  Even if my life was a mess and the pain was so great that even I wanted to take my life.  But upon real, honest thought on this subject, I came to the conclusion that God was real amongst all the confusion.  So, with that in mind, I stuck it out.  I told Him I would continue to pray, to believe, and to live.  Because if I was right, then He would be faithful to His word.  He has to be.  For if I was to believe there is a God, then He keeps His promises.  Being devine means you are perfect and pefection means keeping promises.  Only us imperfect beings here on earth make promises that we don't keep.  So, on to the next.  Did I believe He sent His son to earth?  I decided that - yes - I did believe that.  So, believing in this I knew that whatever crazy thoughts I had or whatever stupid stuff I did out of my hurt and anger, would be forgiven.  I may not get the biggest reward in heaven - far from it - but, I told God that at this point I would be happy with just a small corner to curl up in.  So, I focused on that.  The Holy Spirit was harder to deal with as I really didn't feel God's presense.  All I felt was numb, cold, and tired.  So, I moved on.  Other little things were to get out of bed every morning, make sure to brush my teeth, stop at the store for things we need (if there was enough money in the bank), and go to work.  None of these were easy but I had to focus on doing them just to get through the day.  Sometimes I couldn't pray.  I told God if I was going to get through it He would have to raise people up to pray for me.  I just couldn't pray any longer.  I was just too tired to talk about me, my problems, or anyone else's problems.  Besides, God had to know where I was at and what I was going through.  I spent one afternoon just screaming at Him about it.  He knew. 

So focus on the little things - which I think you are doing.  One step at a time believing that someday it will all be better.  And, it does get better.  It was a long road and there are days I still have to deal with the effects of that time.  However, I just recently decided to change tactics.  Instead of getting irritated at the things in my life that don't go well, I'm going to praise God for them.  You see, during that time of my life I learned a lot.  I just recently realized that.  And, I realized that I can use these things I learned to help others.  Sounds corney doesn't it?  But, how was I going to help someone who felt "numb" if I never knew what "numb" felt like?  So I learned how to feel "numb" and I can talk about how that feels.  I wish I could just impart some wisdom about this to help people avoid this or to give them a door to get out.  But, I can't.  One day I just realized I didn't feel as numb and each day it was getting better.  One step at a time.  So, the best I can offer people is real empathy, understanding, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold.  I didn't have that.  Not many people know what it feels like to feel "numb".  Especially family and friends.

So, did I ever feel?  Like I was drowning, yes.  Like life was happening all around me and I was stuck just watching.  Like I wasn't allowed to join in.  And, at times like I was all alone because I just couldn't get people to understand.  That was the worse.  Talking to someone and they just stare at you like you are speaking a foreign language.  Yes, that was the worst.  Worse than the judgement.  I learned to live with the judgement.  It became a part of who I was.  And, I believed what they said.  I was a bad mom, complainer, and miserable to be around.  I even believe it when they said that I had to have done something to deserve it all.  Kind of like good old Job!  Only Job refused to believe it.  I believed it.

Well, this is getting long and my boss keeps walking by.  Probably wondering what I am up to.  So, the best wisdom I can offer you today is to keep going.  One step after the other.  Take time to do something for yourself.  I had a favorite activity I saved for bad days.  Now dont' laugh, but I loved to take long baths with lots of bubbles and only candlelight to see by.  It was really good if there were chocolate treats to eat while I was in there.  Sometimes I played music.  If I could figure out a way to watch TV or a movie at the same time, I did that, too.  We lived at one house where the TV cart was on rollers and I got a cable long enough so I could roll it into the bathroom!  Really, don't laugh but it was something I did just for me.  You see, I could lock the door and thus shut out the world.  I had kids, too, so sometimes these baths occurred very late at night.   

Take care.  With much love,

Debby