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| Ask The Redneck- Part DEUX! |
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Okay ladies and gents, the first round went so well a few months back that… you guessed it… Its time for another round of ASK THE REDNECK!
Got a major dilemma on yer hands? Need to shave a few strokes off that old golf game? You been wonderin’ about the secret ingredient that makes baked beans so delightful?
Come on! ASK THE REDNECK! Does your significant other release more gas emissions than your grannie’s old pickup truck? Need help with that geology homework? Ever wondered who invented super glue. Well, Come on! ASK THE REDNECK! Now ya’ll just ask the question and give me a little time to log on and answer okay? Let’s roll! Enjoy! |
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| To add a comment to "Ask The Redneck- Part DEUX!" |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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Dana- Good question! Paint Peeling is a common occurance. The best thing to do is to have a drastic change in the hubby or son's diet. More fruit and less chili should keep any further paint from peeling. |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| Rich, first let me say that you are very handsome. Next I would like to ask a question about this new diginal tv box that I purchased from Walmart yesterday. I cannot get good reception. |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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Hey Mr. Redneck....I have a question:
If cats always land on their feet.....and toast always lands butter side up......what would happen if you were to strap toast on the back of a cat and then drop it from say....a second story window?
Curious minds need to know... |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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What's the best way to clip my dogs nails?
hehe |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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OldLady- First thing first... thank you, I do my best with what the Lord gave me.
Okay, two key things to make sure your digital box is working at optimal performance. First you need to make sure you are hooked up using a "Digital Antenna." These are fairly inexpensive.
Secondly, you need to make sure you have it hooked up to the actual television. Just setting on top of the VCR will not improve you television viewing pleasure. BillyRay said he will come by tonight to do that part of it. |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| ok, God bless you honey. Feel free to come over too and I will cook you boys some fried chicken and collards. |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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Michael- the only thing that would happen would be that you'd have a pee'd off cat running from a toast-hungry dog. I wasn't even worth doing the experiment in my opinion!
Bubbles- Two words, power sander. Works like a dream! |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| Well, she's related to one of them! Aint that right BillyRay? |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| LOL yep. Best mother-in-law in the county. |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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Rich, my boy just can't seem to hit the toliet target if ya know what I mean...I've tried everything and now I am at wits end...Making him clean it doesn't work...He's too big for pampers, and according to the "law" he can't be doing it outside no more...any suggestions?
And I've always wondered why do they make cars that go 120mph if we ain't allowed? |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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well.... my nephew married my sister so now he's my brother in law
AND Scott's cousin was adopted by his Nanny so now she's his Aunt. |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| Gee and I thought I was the only one here whose family tree had more turnbacks than a pretzel... |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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MsSuga- I usually just pop them on the head with newspaper and stick thier nose in it. With Chase, the only thing that worked was to tell him I was gonna clean up his accidents with his favorite stuffed Earnhardt car... he listened to that pretty good.
As for going #2... just feed him low fiber foods with lots of cheese. It won't help him potty train, but you'll have less to clean in the long run! lol
So there is a law about "going" outside? I must be a felon! |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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Pastor Tim- Now I aint sure that you really need to "Tap into your inner redneck." I think you just need to first embrace the redneck within and then release it for all to see.
What I mean is, you know you enjoy passing gas... all rednecks do. So embrace this little piece of you then showcase it to the world. Good thing you're married though, cause it won't get you a ton of dates. |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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How can you know if a car mechanic is being honest with you? And why is my check engine light on all the time? |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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Now Wendy, I usually go the funny route here but I have to be honest... I've slapped my fair share of shade-tree mechanic jaws in my day for giving me a raw deal. So I'm going to give you some real advise.
1st- Don't ever let me work on your car. My yard looks like a graveyard of gas-sucking machinery that gave up their ghosts.
2nd- Get refferals from friends and relatives, and make sure you tell the mechanic why you chose them.
3rd- Make sure they are ASE certified. This doesn't mean that they won't take your money; but it means that they on their own time to learn the skills needed for today's techonlogies.This certification is of great value to any shop or technician who takes pride in thier work.
Check Engine light? Probably the Oxygen Sensor. Run by any Auto Zone type store and they will run the engine diagnostic for free. They will even show you how much the parts cost to get you better prepared for a trip to the mechanic.
Good luck. |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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Ok Rich... My Dog... Luke Skywalker my Dog.
I am asking another Redneck... because I really DON"T LIKE WHAT BILLY RAE had to say...
Please tell me this isn't a Redneck creed |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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Becky- I wish I knew about training dogs not to chew on shoes. The truth is, all my shoes stink so bad my dogs wouldn't get near them no way... and they sure wouldn't put them in thier mouth!
Maybe you should learn to have smellier feet?
Wish I knew, but love ya anyway! Rednecks unite, and then run up to the store to get me a root beer! |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| This is really Cool I guess I not that much of a Redneck I love Square Dancing,John Wayne,My Country and Fried Chicken maybe some frog legs.And My Lord and don't step on my boots!So I'm I a Redneck? |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| Doyle... well, duh... if you have to ask, you know the answer... ; ) LOL!!! |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| that is thee most hillarious thing i have ever heard of hehehehehhehehe "laughing too much" |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| Doyle, I love ya buddy, but you just spelled out redneck in my dictionary! lol |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| Dana- I'd try to sell them on Craigs List. "12 Head of Cattle-Reasonable price cause they're hard headed." |
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| August 07, 2008 |
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| Thanks so much Rich...I'll get right on the diet change and the newspaper boppin...what a blessing you are...and I didn't know they allowed felons on here...LOL! |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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| Well got to go all!!!Happy Trails to you!!! |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Does your significant other release more gas emissions than your grannie’s old pickup truck?
I think I got an answer for that one. Change your diet! LOL!!! |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Dear Rich,
My significant other snores so hard, I'm scared he's gonna swaller his teeth, and he don't wear them denture things!
What can we do?
Signed,
zzzzz...wha?! Dang it, Jim, roll over! |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Phyllis- Snoring is a very common occurence, especially in males; and it often only affects the person lying next to them (or in my case, the family three trailers down.) Most don't even realize they snore unless their wife or boss reveals this to them.
I find it funny when I hear guys talk about how their wives will wake them up with a swift elbow to the ribs when they are snoring in the middle of the night. My first question would be, what is he supposed to do about it when he is awake?
Anyway, there is a bunch of "remedies" out there; from sprays and strips, to positioning your bed upright so high that neither of you will sleep well. I've found that most of these don't work.
The only advice I have is to wait until your hubby gets a good snoring rhythm going, and then start singing "I've Been Workin on the Railroad." Once you get a good handle on singing to the rhythm, mix it up a bit or try and write your own song.
This won't help you sleep any better, but it sure makes staying awake more fun!
Take care sis! |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Ok Rich Cooking for the homeless and down & out for church this morning. You know southern style beans and ham hocks. Had an extra Hock with little meat on it, gave it to the darn dog.
You would think with the force being with Luke Skywalker the Dog would get more Jesus... But
Why does he always have to stand at the counter and nibble a piece of the dessert I make? I mean really does he think that pinneapple upside down cake really goes with beans & ham?
Or did he think he had to have the other 4 ham hocks.
What to do now? Please don't tell me like Billy Rae to put him down. I just taught him how to speak yesterday. |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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| Reeech how I make that bean dip? The one you make at the cook out. |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Becky- I too think that pineapple cake would go perfectly with beans and ham; not as desert either but as a side dish!
Hey, if you taught him to speak yesterday then you should just sit down and have a logical conversation with him. But if the little booger says "Uncle Rich made me do it" then you may have to put him down.
Juan- I bought that bean dip from Wal-Mart. I just added more cheese and switched dishes to impress your wife. |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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| REEECH! You sneaky sneaky redneck |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Rich
The mut should be happy. For a sci fi dog I leave the Sci Fi channel on for him all the time, I mean he is trying to become a Jedi Knight with the name Luke Skywalker. Should I switch to the animal channel so he can here from the dog whisperer? I do have a better cook now who actually cleans she is from SC and is actually cheaper. It would be cheaper to have him watch the Dog Whisperer than hire him, don't you think
I don't know about blaming Uncle Rich, I mean he is trying to accept Christ after trying to eat my bible while I read it. I think he should take responsibility for his own actions, and repent.
I really don't own a gun yet, if it keeps getting any worse, can I come up and borrow yours. Better yet I just dont have the heart, do you think you could just send Billy Rae down, and he can bury him in the tobacco field. I will find a headstone, and attach his favorite light sabor to it. snif snif...sigh..... |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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oh and Rich, please forgive this implant from Dodge City, Kansas. I do know I now live in the south, and I do know all about the NRA.
I am sorry I do not own a shotgun yet. Does it help that I do know how to use one and can shoot pheasants, quail and duck.
Can I redeem myself a little, there? |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Lara- Deer Lawn ornaments are the next best thing to pink flamingos here in the trailer park. The best thing to do is to saw the horns off each one cause we dont shoot at those anyway.
Sorry to hear about the neighbor with the hubcap fence. Unfortunately, us rednecks find it much easier to hammer a nail rather than use a paint brush. In my honest opinion, this guy is kind of a genius; wish I'd thought of that.
I don't know how to tell you to keep from doing it though; perhaps you should tell him that all that chrome is attracting alien visitors from another planet and all them little green men like rap music. |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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| Tell ya what Becky, if you can catch me a mess of snipe we'll call it even. |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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| I have a question for you Rich my ole redneck friend and here it is.....WHY..... |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Rich: I want to know why we drive on the park way and we park in the drive way.
Seriously, though, I want to know what is so popular about Nascar? OK, everybody get ready...we are going to drive 500 miles taking left turns. Going around and around and around. Now we can't pass anyone when that yellow flag comes out and I just don't get it. Help me get it cause I live in Alabama and they like Nascar as much as Football down here. |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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| I just gave you your 1,000 star! Do I get a door prize or something? |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Heeheehee....I'm contemplating a redneck question..... uh, I got nothin... Oh, well, I'm enjoying the q & a with everyone else on here!!! Bless ya'll! |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Well Brother Todd, it's like this... If there wasnt a Nascar race to watch, most rednecks would just get all drunk and sit in the middle of freeway traffic cheering on the fastest one. Motor oil is on our shirts and exaust is in our blood. Plus we like the predictable, we don't like to have to think about much... so a bunch of fellas making all left turns is fine with us.
I think Nascar used to kinda depend on us, that's why they put "redneck" products on their cars; especially in the early days... skoal bandits, redman, mello-yellow, penzoil, etc. That was the only kinda advertisement we could stand to watch... at 200 mph! Now they seem to have pulled away from us slightly and tried to clean up their act, perhaps for the good of all redneck-kind.
I caint say fer sure why we love it, we just do. We just go together like a pizza stain on a Sunday shirt.
Hope this helped. Thanks for the 1000th star my friend. Keep checking the mail for your cash prize. |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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| ...uh, my family tree is not suppose to wrap around?? |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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| Thanks, Rich. I put bunches of cinder bricks under the bed posts to tilt the bed up. Now if I can just figure out how to tie him to the bed so he'll stop falling out onto his head...maybe if I wrap it around his neck, it'll keep him in the bed, and he'll stop snoring as well.. ;)~ |
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| August 08, 2008 |
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Rich,
I gots another problem. My car has fenders...well lets just say they have seen prettier days. The ole pink Corolla has black fenders.
See this is the problem, everything likes to jump out and hit me. Heading up to the city on 42 and a deer smacks into the fender. Went back to see if it was dead so we could make some deer jerky, but it ran off. I knew it was a ploy.
Then in my new neighborhood, the mailboxes are evil. I didn't mean to run over mine with the moving truck. I guess the one around the curve was mad, cause it jumped out and crashed into my car. Then when I fixed the windsheild, It jumped again, I swerved away and dodged it. The chocolate cake I made for church though, hit the floorboard.
What can I put on ole faithful to save her for more attacks on the road? HELP.. |
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| August 09, 2008 |
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Rich if you ain't first you're last!
Well, I can get into the speed but that yellow flag takes all of the fun out of it. Sure would be fun to see them make their moves with debris all over the track.
Keep in mind I was born and raised a Yankee in NH but have lived in Ga and now live in Alabama for 20 years and I'd like to know why Rednecks save everything but money. Broken down cars, bottles, my daughter collects them from Fuze to the funky looking Moutain Dew bottles, They (my kids) keep Mardi Gras beads...we've got thousands of them, what for? My son collects ball caps, he doesn't even like some teams but he has almost everyone in the SEC...Another question: Why does my daughter scream and cheer everytime we pass a John Deere Farm tractor on the road?..we grow a lot of peanuts, and cotton, down here. It's 100 degrees outside and my kids want to wear jeans boots and a hoodie and in the winter they wear shorts and flip flops. What's up with that? Maybe you can better help me understand my own youngins. |
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| August 09, 2008 |
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Dana...does your uncle come from..."I'll message you"!!!!
Got any club feet??? LOL!!!! |
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| August 10, 2008 |
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So good to hear from you again Rich!!! I got an interesting question for you. I have a male cat. He is so loving. He will sit in your lap for hours on end, letting you pet him and love him. Well, the problem started about a year ago.....when we had him "fixed." Well, it was the wife that had him fixed, I only loaded him up in the cat cage.
Now, after a year, he wont come near me. If I try to catch him and pick him up, he just runs from me. I want my lap cat back!! Can you help me Rich??
PS....Dont suggest that I get the V-word done.....cuz it aint hap'ning!! LOL |
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| August 10, 2008 |
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Rich,
You know I am a trekie not a techie... When my computer says reboot... does than mean I should put another pair of boots on and kick it till it works right. You know like that ole tv I have.
Thanks |
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| August 11, 2008 |
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Bro Todd, boy you are just full of questions huh?
Anyway... to answer why rednecks save everything but money. Though this may seem to be an accurate assumption, there is actually an error in this statement. Rednecks do not "save" anything; we only accumilate things and are to lazy to dispose of them. And you can only accumilate things that come your way, which is why we never have any money.
Now about the kiddies... Rednecks, perhaps; or they might be hoarders... little complusive collectors of redneck garbage. Don't let this alarm you right now, just watch them. If they begin to collect half-used rolls of duct tape or Elvis paraphanelia, you should intervene before it's too late and they force you to move into my trailer park.
Tell them Uncle Rich says hey! |
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| August 11, 2008 |
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Matthew! Sup Bro?
Man I don't know much about cats, but that sure sounds like something a lady would do. Poor fella! What happened, was he caught "littering?" lol
Poor cat... sounds like he may be jealous of you now, but I won't say what you don't want to hear. |
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| August 11, 2008 |
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| Becky, I would agree with you about the boots... but Luke probably already chewed them up too! |
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| August 11, 2008 |
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| My oldest daughter collects duct tape Arrgh! LOL |
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| August 11, 2008 |
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| Rich you haven't helped me with the poor corrola... HOW do I help it from evil deer in the roads. |
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| August 11, 2008 |
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Becky- Sorry I missed that one.
Three words... Dashboard Hula Girl. Ever since I stuck one of them on the dash of my pickup I aint had no problems with deer, mailboxes, school kids, or nothin! |
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| August 11, 2008 |
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| You should write a column like dear Abby. Very funny stuff! |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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| Well, sure has been slow here the last couple days. Thanks to all those who have decided to participate thus far. I sure enjoy helpin you folks! |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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| Let's keep em coming! |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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| Billy Ray: Maybe you could help explain the difference between a "redneck" and a "good ole boy" |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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Well Bro Todd- The difference between a redneck and a good ole boy is about 500 dollars.
You see, a Good ole boy probably has or knows how to get his hands on 500 bucks right quick; while a redneck aint never seen that much money up-close and wouldn't know what to do with it no way.
I guess you can say that a good ole boy is like a redneck, but with a bit more class. Example:
Rich= Good Ole Boy
ByllyRay= Redneck |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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| Got it! Billy Ray doesn't have anything to pawn? not a gun or a dog, wide screen plazma tv or nothing? |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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Rich, your blog is hilarious...I'm glad I happened on by!
My question is:
How do I keep from having to smell my neighbor's chicken farm? It is most pungent in the early morning and late at night.
Carol |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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Hey Carol! Glad you dropped in today!
I wonder what smells worse... your neighbor's chicken farm or my neighbor's chicken parm? I bet it would be a close matchup.
Anyway, let me start off by saying that you should not invest in any of them smelly candles or sprays, nor anything that was advertised by Billy Mays on an infomercial. They will not fix your problem.
I would suggest that you call one of them PETA groups and tell 'em that them chickens are being abused or forced into doing hard labor. Tell them that they are cutting thier beaks off or something. Them folks will sneak in there and have that placed cleaned out by sun-up.
Good luck. |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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I bet mine smells worse...I told them so, but they said it smelled like money to them.
About calling PETA: Did you try that, and did it work for you? |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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| I called them, but by the time they got their my friend Juan had already taken his donkey back in the house. My flower bed never did look the same. |
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| August 13, 2008 |
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Nah, I just kiddin bout the PETA thing... les you think it may be a good idea.
Just duct tape around the windows and doors, learn to sleep late and go to bed early when the smell is at its worse.
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| August 13, 2008 |
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| I knew you were joking. |
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| August 18, 2008 |
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| hello brothers and sisters, my name is lu. some of u might have received a message from me before, sorry to bother u again, but i started a new account so im sending out another message to find like minded people. i myself love the word of God, and i love to share the revelation that i receive from Dad. im looking for others who feel the same if that's u please send me a friend request. if not no hard feelings. God bless -Lu |
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| August 18, 2008 |
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| Ok......why did God make skeeters (not the boat, boys)? And why are there always chiggers around blackberry bushes????? |
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| August 19, 2008 |
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Good question Cinderelly!
The reason God made skeeters is so rednecks will have something to watch on the bug zapper. Plus they keep the women and children off the porch when daddy needs private time with his buddies at night.
Chiggers just keep Northern folk from staying down here too long. I love chiggers, as long as they are on someone else! |
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| August 19, 2008 |
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| Ahhhhhhh, Rich! You are sooooooo wise. |
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| September 18, 2008 |
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| Okay, I got one for you: Why do worms come out unto the sidewalk when it rains? Wouldn't you think they would crawl to high ground or climb a tree? ;-) |
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| September 18, 2008 |
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Kris- this is simple... Worms aren't trying to find higher ground. They are just trying to get cleaned off a little bit. Digging around everyday gets mighty messy, so they welcome the chance to get a good shower.
Plus worms think of a rainy sidewalk as a good place to meet women. When it rains, they all know where the good lookin worms will be; so they put on thier best smile and head on over there. Best worm pickup line? "Hey babe, where IN earth have you been all my life?"
Enjoy |
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| September 22, 2008 |
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| Ha ha!!! I'll remember that from now on and try not to step on so many. Thanks for your wise words! :D |
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