So this is a blog I posted on my other site, myspace. I thought I would share it here as part of my testimony. This was something I knew I had to do for me and my soul. Part of a soul cleansing thing I needed to to I guess.
Wow! Things have certainly changed in this past year for me. I’ve made so many changes, sometimes I don’t remember which way I was facing when I started it all. I guess for starters, I should put my little disclaimer here. Warning: This blog may contain offensive materials for some. If you are one of the people disagree with the changes I’ve made or are offended by the message I’m leaving tomorrow…stop reading here. If this message offends you so much that you can no longer be a friend, I will only say that I shall miss you. I will not apologize for my faith, morals, lifestyle changes, or ideals. I will not apologize for being me. I have found that if you truly are a friend to a person, you will love them for who they are regardless of whether you agree with all of their ideals or faith. I am not perfect…nor do I ever claim to be. I know I’ve made many mistakes in my life. Some of them are more apparent then others, but they were mistakes none the less. I’ve come to realize that I need to live my life the way God would want me to live. For that to happen I had to give up some ideals, habits, and lifestyles I had been doing. I had to let go of the past. This time last year, I was dating someone seriously, having pre-marital sex, using drugs to self medicate, lying to myself; basically running from the person I knew I needed to be. Then in November something happened. I started going to the membership classes at church. It was then that I started to really look inside myself and search for the person I wanted to be. I want to be the person people look to and see not only serenity but also faith. Then I saw the movie “Meet the Robinsons” by Disney. The song at the end really hit home. “Little Wonders” by Rob Thomas, really brings home the message of letting go of the past. It’s over, there is nothing that will ever bring it back. So keep moving forward.So I decided the time had come to let go of somethings. The first thing I let go of was the relationship which was going no where. Although I love him…I realized I was not “in love” with him which is the most important thing in a lasting relationship like that. I realized I wanted a wedding. I would like children (okay, sometimes I want them, others I don’t). But most of all, I wanted the love that I saw my grandparents sharing. Those are things I knew he could not give me. With that in mind, I broke up with him. While I still love him and miss him…I don’t miss the arguments from him trying to shove his opinions on me or putting down my faith and ideals because he disagreed with them. Try as I may, I could never get him to see that we were different and that just because we don’t agree doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t respect each other’s beliefs or ideals. Then I started to let go of other things. The first was all of my old magick and Wiccan ways. No more tarot cards. No more idols. No more horoscopes. No more crystals. While I will still use some of the aroma therapy to help relax. And I will still do some meditations, I do them in a different way so I can focus on the love from Jesus and God. Yes, I still smoke. Yes, I still drink (very rarely or in moderation only ). Yes, I still smoke pot on occasions, I unfortunately have yet to find something to help with my insomnia, but again it’s very rarely. I don’t make a habit of doing that. It’s something I’m trying not to do. If I turn to it, it’s when I’m at my weakest and I need to sleep and nothing around me has worked. Yes, I still have bi-polar. Yes, I still suffer from depression. Yes, I still have anxiety. But I’m starting to work with God on those. I’m starting to pray more, read more, meditate with Him more. I’m starting to hand over my worries and negative thoughts to Him. Do I still have the anxiety attacks? For those who’ve been around me this past two months, you know the answer to that. Do I still have suicidal thoughts? Unfortunately, yes, but I’m working on continuing to give them to God. I know that he has a special purpose for me, one that only he knows. I can only live as He would like me to do and allow him to direct me towards the path I’m supposed to walk. A path set by Him to glorify Him in a way which only I can do.Probably the biggest change was when I was baptized. That day everything I had worked so hard on changing became my biggest successes. I have a wonderful testiment to tell, one which I know I will be able to tell one day with great pride. I’ve made great strides in my life. I’ve started to pay attention to what I listen to, read, and watch. While I still enjoy much of the same books, music, and movies as I did before all my changes, I’ve become much more pickier of what it is I DO read, listen to, or watch. The other week I had a friend point out something to me. This is a person who I feel God has brought to me because He knew I would need someone who has walked my previous path, someone who has done the same things and felt the same emotions as I had once did. She told me that she used to be Bi-sexual until she realized that while she found the female form very beautiful, what she truly longed for was a man to love. She realized that a man she wanted to hold and make love to. While reading her message, it hit me…she’s right. While I do find women attractive…I’m more drawn to the male form when I’m chosing a life partner. When I want someone to love, I’ve always pictured a man. She made me think and question something I had become to believe was a part of me. I really never wanted a woman as a “girlfriend” or lover, while I’ve had a few female lovers, they never lasted long. I don’t go out and look at a woman and want to start a “relationship” with her….I do that with men.Needless to say, I, Cynthia Greschak, am a Christian. I’m no longer Wiccan. I am no longer Bi-sexual. This is me….just me. I know this is an awfully long message, but it’s something that I’ve been wanting to get off of my chest for so long. I can no longer keep it in. So here I am a year later, back in school (and feeling very old) and a changed woman. I smile more. I’m happier. Even when I’m stressing, I’m more at peace with myself. Even when doubts hit me (and they do), I know that I’m on the right path. This is a path set by God, and it is one which was made soley for me. I know this, and I’m so proud to say “THIS IS ME! GOD IS WONDERFUL , THROUGH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.”Thank you for letting me rattle on and on….I hope my message reaches out to someone and makes a difference.God Bless
3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
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