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| How I feel..... |
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I have thinking and praying alot lately because I have felt very out of place in the Stair family. I feel one minute everyone wants to to speak up and state my opinion then the next they dont care to hear it, I am so frutrated that I have come to realize that I was better off not stating my opinons. The only thing I am going to change about me is that when someone makes me mad or hurts my feelings i am going to let them know that. If I have hurt anyones feeling lately I am sorry. I have a hard time dealing with everyhting since I grew up in a family where I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it, now I feel like I am locked up behind bars and I am not aloowed to do anything but eat and sleep. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my old life and not have to deal with anyone or anything or sometimes I wish I were really locked up because I know that is where I truely am.
I hear so much that "I love you" but if that is true then people have wierd ways of showing it and I truly dont like it and would rather have everyone not like me or love me. I am not a very affectionate person so I dont show my true feelings alot.I love everyone in my family and the Stair family(most of the time) but I feel like I am out of place. My hearts tells me something other then what my mind tells me and I follow my heart and right now I am speaking from my heart.
Sometimes when I am alone I ask the Lord why He put me here on the earth, because I would have rather not been born. I know there is a reason for Him placing me here but when you live in a family where half the people dont really get along when we are together, how do you place yourself somewhere. I wish that when the family got together for something that there would be no arguing and that everyone would have a great time.
First Fire is coming up and I am looking forward to it but I am also not looking forward to it. Most of the knights wont even stay the night to have quality time with the other knights or even have one on one with someone. I guess we will see how everything turns out when that time comes.
there are so many different things on my mind that are bothering me as you can tell I havent really talked just about one subject.
If I hurt anyone by typing this well I am sorry but this is how I feel.
In Christ
Ayla |
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| To add a comment to "How I feel....." |
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| October 05, 2008 |
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Hey girl!
I know you probably read my blog and felt attacked. But I guess my blog was a reaction to feeling attacked by you! That does not mean that your opinion didn't matter to me! The reason I was hurt, was because it did!
I had gone so long thinking that when we talked we were friends. But it kinda hurt when you were just thinking that I was complaining. So, I'm still hurt over it, but I'm learning to let go.
I do need to be careful who I talk to. Regardless of whether it is you, or Heather, or whoever... I have come to understand that not everyone can handle honesty. I felt like Ms. Debbie was attacking me the other day because of me trying to be honest with her. Whereas, with Heather, honesty is the best policy! So, I'm still trying to navigate these dangerous waters of relationships myself, and I've been married into the family for 4 years, and known the family for 5!
You said you felt like you weren't a part of the family. I think that you are more a part of it than I am:
- you're white
- you're a size 0
- you have a grandchild that you've provided them.
- Ms. Debbie has taken you "under her wing" as she puts it; which she never did me when I needed it. We just went through a whole period of "let's be nice to each other and sweep everything under the rug" kind of relationship, which is still how I feel she wants ours to be.
- If they called you once a week, that would be more times in a month than they called me! lol:O)
So, if you think you're the only one, here I am 5 years down the road in the same boat! lol:O)
I think the biggest problem with me is that my family is not here. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can't not love Jason's family. But, if mine was around, I'd be there! I can't speak for how you're feeling, but do you miss your mom? Maybe that could be adding to how you're feeling.
I sometimes feel like I am too involved in the church stuff too! Jason distances himself from so many things, and I think it helps him stay away from all these problems to a large extent.I guess I'll have to learn my lesson the hard way...let's say 30-something years? lol:O) It's not really that though, I do enjoy being involved. I just don't like being attacked, and having to constantly be on my guard.
I felt the same way this evening at the knight's meeting. If Heather had not worn her cross, Ms.Debbie would have either pulled her aside and talked to her quietly or not said anything at all. But with me, she had to pull me up in front of everyone. I feel like she has doubl standards all the time! and I constantly feel on edge with her. But...oh well, I'm sorry, I think you know what's been on my mind all evening now, which I what I was upset about through the whole dance and the rest of my evening after a wonderful beginning.
I'm just so frustrated too! Sometimes I just want to packmy bags and go home like I was originally supposed to do after college! |
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