25:8 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; ...
I told some of my church family. I feel ( honestly ) like it was a huge mistake. I dont want pitty, or sorrow. I want nothing. I like nothing.  I wanted to tell them so bad, because I felt like I was hiding things and now I feel like I should be ashamed. I feel like I am stupid for this. I would rather never walk back into the church than face my friends knowing they know.  Horrible huh? What kinda friend am I? I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could recant...


I serve a mighty big God.

I prayed at my Churches alter for the first time in forever. When I got the same answer from God a second time I knew, This is what I am, this is what right now I am called for. I messed up and didn't listen to God and missed a great call in my life. I have prayed and right now this is where I am to be, doing the ministry I am called to do. I want to be healed, dont get me wrong, but I feel like God is truly saying, This for right now is what I have for you. This will bring great understanding to my life and to my church.

There is a great  2 preachers in my life who preached about being in the pit. I see the current situation as a pit, but each time I hear God say, "Yes this pit isnt pleasant, but what are you learning from it?"  I want to say bunches, I want to say, "Great I have learned now please take away my pain, my suffering." But I cant. I sit and listen, praying, growing, seeking.  So now I am off to bed. exhusted again.. but its late.