Mom?

Well, its your birthday today...I think today would have been your 12th 30 year anniversary. =) I wish we could celebrate it. I know that you were never into doing things for yourself. You didn't really like people giving you things. You were the kind of person that definitely preferred helping others than have everyone fuss over you. But it would be really neat to try to show you how loved you are.

I always loved it when it was time for your birthday. I would spend forever drawing carefully the absolute perfect stick figures...and than writing in my very bestest handwriting the oh-so-original poetic verse, "roses are red, violets are blue" Each time though I tried to change the ending..ya know, to keep things fresh =)

I loved making you these elaborate cards and letters, simply because of the way you treasured them, you made me feel so loved and special. You treated those scribbles as if they were the most exquisite and expensive painting. You don't know the amazing effect that has on the heart of a little girl.

After you left,...it took a lot of time, but I eventually found the courage to look through your things. And to my surprise they were still there..nestled in your top drawer..with that weird little potpourri bag (I never understood what that was for when I was younger, I thought it was a mini..mini..handbag..PERFECT for my 5 year old hands lol)  But you still kept them, mixed with all of your other important papers. =) Your not here, and I still am being ministered by you. 

I can't remember a whole lot, and that fact causes me much pain..I remember in the early days after you left..I couldn't sleep I was so paranoid that I would forget you. Sadly I have forgotten so much..But, I DO remember how you smelled..you either smelled like vanilla..with the lingering scent of baby lotion from earlier. Or you would be wearing the stuff that Dad gave you..it was called..umm..Sierra or something like that. I actually found a leftover bottle in your closet. I had forgotten how strong it was, and I sprayed it in my room. The scent hung in the air for two days. I would literally wake up in the middle of the night, believing with my whole heart that you were there in my room..but you weren't...

I remember the way you looked at Dad..after 10-15 years of marriage..you still were so in love with him. The way you loved and treated him with such humble respect, gave me so much security. And my fears at night would be calmed with the knowledge that though y'all weren't perfect. You loved each other very much.

I also remember you standing behind our kitchen counter peeling oranges. I always tried to make you laugh as soon as you put one in your mouth. Because you always would get the most funniest and cutest expression on your face from trying to keep the orange from falling out because you were laughing so hard. =D

I remember when Micah was so little, he LOVED giving you foot massages. It would take me and him a lot of convincing, but we would eventually wear you down and get you to lay down on the couch. I would sit on the floor by your head..and brush your hair..or rub your hands...And Micah, he would grab some lotion and would make you laugh so hard! Remember that? LOL..you would be laughing at his..massage techniques lol...he would massage each toe individually hehe...than us three would all squish together on the couch, and than me and Micah would probably launch into some incredible fictional story of some fascinating characters..than all involved in some crazy and wonderful adventures.

There are some things that I hope I never forget..like the time..right before you got sick. I think I was having a bad dream and was crying in my sleep. You woke me up, and was talking to me..you so encouraged my eleven year old self. I was so scared..I wasn't sure of what..but you poured into me so much..you called me Esther...you said you were proud of me..you told me I was beautiful, even though I was completely drenched in my tears and covered in my fear..and still was disoriented from my nightmare..Mom, I miss you..

I wish you could have seen Cassia get married...held your precious namesake..Did you know Cass is pregnant again? We think its a boy =) You werent here for when Shekinah left to join the very same Drama group that you and dad met..She has come through so much..shes a fighter, that girl is.. I wish you could hear Torah sing..she looks just like you when she does..You would be so proud of your baby girl..shes a blessing and a complete joy. I think she will be a lot like you. Micah..he won M.V.P..on his FOOTBALL team!!! Who knew?? and Elijah..he and his team totally smashed their teams rivalry..Your kids are growing so fast...you would be so proud of them...we all miss you..me and Jo..well we wrote a song for you..and I want to show you..you always loved music..Josiah still has that soft heart..and as much as he tries to hide it..his sensitivity to the feelings of others is amazing. Mom, each kid is so different and unique..for the short time you were here, you raised beautiful kids. I love you mom..Happy Birthday...and well, you know how my cooking sucked before?..well, some things don't change..