28:10 Jacob left Beer-sheba, and went toward Haran. 28:11 And he came to a certain place, and stayed there that night, because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones of the place, he put it under his head and lay down in that place to sleep. 28:12 And he dreamed that there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it! 28:13 And behold, the LORD stood above it and said, "I am the LORD, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and to your descendants; 28:14 and your descendants shall be like the dust of the earth, and you shall spread abroad to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south; and by you and your descendants shall all the families of the earth bless themselves. 28:15 Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done that of which I have spoken to you." 28:16 Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, "Surely the LORD is in this place; and I did not know it." As I read this verse I think of the Byron Cage song, "The Presence of the Lord is Here" But I also thought about how overworked and overwhelmed I often feel. I feel as if I have tons to do and not nearly enough time or energy to do it well. Maybe I'm just tired. But at the same time, I'm aware of feeling something else. Something a little like longing. Longing for something more than what I have. Lord, what is it You want me to do? I am here.
The Lord is with me wherever I go and will not leave me until He is done with me. I am touched by this. Encouraged. Excited. I'm not so much afraid of becoming someone I don't recognize as I am scared that following Jesus means never having what I want. And I'm reaching an age where there are some dreams I may have to let go of and it saddens me. So, a part of me is wondering, "If what God has for me is so wonderful, why am I sad? Why can't I just feel the joy of being a child of God, of knowing that I am doing what He would have me do?" I don't want to feel this longing. This longing tells me that there is still an emptiness, makes me feel as if there is still SOMETHING I am not doing right. As if following Jesus is a promise of no more sadness ever. I wish.
So there is a part of me that is comforted by this verse. Renewed, Invigorated, Encouraged, Excited, Moved, "Loveful" But even though I feel all of those things I also feel a little sad. A little lost. Lord, where am I supposed to be going, what am I supposed to be doing, I am here. Please talk to me, please listen to me, please guide me and help me to see and hear what you want me to do.
Maybe my mistake is in thinking that God's presence means I will be always jumping up and down for joy, that I'll never feel sadness. I know that God wants something from me, is leading me towards something, preparing me. I feel it. I feel like something life changing is on it's way and part of me is so hopeful that this life changing thing is going to lead to MY deepest, and least-expresse and most frightening desire. A husband and children. But am I ready for God's deepest desire for me? What if His desire for me is not the same as what I want for myself? Is it wrong for me to still want those things even as I try to follow Jesus completely?
How will I know if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm going the right way? I don't want fear to freeze me up, to keep me from doing what God would have me to do, from being who God would have me to be. And yet I feel so unsure of everything except to know that God wants something from me and He promises to keep me wherever I go and to not leave me. I am going to focus on those two promises every day because I think maybe if I keep my focus on those two things, I'll have the courage to be more fully the person God wants me to be. And I don't say that in a fluffy way, but in a sincere, "I've never been totally comfortable just being myself and now I want the person I am to reflect that I am also His child because I've tried a lot of different things that provided not even the smallest glimmer of satisfaction. I really believe that God is calling me to do or be something and if I can just be brave enough to listen carefully and do what He wants then my life will be changed.
Lord help me to change. |
