Today I could take it no longer...after reading another blog that stated Jesus did not heal everyone and legitimate questions regarding how people "loose their healing" I just decided to post my story...know I do this to encourage the body....some of the things you read will be challenging BUT I can also tell you they will also be scripturally based. This is a warning that this blog will be long I may break it down but the story has to be told in its entirety....
The History
First, know that I have been a Christian since I was about 6 the best I can recall. I had suffered terrible childhood abuse that left me in dire need of Christ. I really don't remember a time I have not felt His presence in my life. Once my Mom remarried my relationship with Christ only grew...She married a wonderfully Godly man...we bonded to each other in such an unusual way because Christ was the center of our relationship...There were times growing up I spent over 4 hours a day in the Word besides my regular school studies...I have always craved the Word and the closeness I felt from Christ, He had healed my heart and soul and I loved Him dearly...I knew I indeed served an awesome God...
In April of 2007 I was on Spring Break with my children and husband in Chicago. It was bitter cold as you can imagine Chicago is in March, and it was snowing. This was not our first trip to Chicago with the kids, it was our third, we loved to travel exposing the kids to arts, cultures, and different opportunities than what they had at home...That was our plan for this trip but soon our plans turned very dark and cold for me....I found I could not sleep at night because of shoulder pain...the pressure on my shoulders hurt so terribly and I could not find a comfortable position. The next day as my husband and son went to watch sports at the ESPN bar, my daughter and I went shopping...we were going to start early for Christmas that year so we went with a budget intact and a few ideas of who to buy for. Crate and Barrel was just around the corner from us as we walked out with bags full of fabulous bargains, I realized I was really in trouble, I simply could not carry the sacks, my hands and elbows could not carry the weight, we had to immediately trek to the hotel to drop off the packages, I was so incredibly fatigued I just wanted to sleep but I pressed through for my daughter who was up for a full day of shopping...I shopped as long as I could but I was simply too tired and in too much pain to carry on, we went back to the hotel so I could nap...I kept my condition a secret at that time. I slept for 4 hours that afternoon, it was so out of character and so excessive for me when my husband came to the hotel he asked if I was ill, I just told him no I was simply exhausted, it must have been jet lag and the fact we were sleeping in double beds instead of a king size...The next two days were much of the same, I was not capable of doing what I normally did, the fatigue was so severe every afternoon I had to sleep and I slept for long periods of time, to just take a shower and get ready made me fell so tired I could have dropped into bed immediately after...but I pressed on as well as I could. Being a nurse practitioner I knew what was wrong I just didn't want to believe it and I didn't want to ruin our Spring Break. Finally over pizza my husband looked at me and flat out asked what was wrong with me exasperated....I raised my sleeves and showed him both my elbow joints, my son started to cry...they were red and so swollen they appeared to be twice their size, they were hot to touch, I told them my shoulders were the same...all across my hands I had red swollen joints to the point my fingers would not hardly move off the table...my husband looked at me and said OH NO, you have RA (Rheumatoid arthritis)...Yes, I told him, it appears I do. My son asked if I was going to die and I told him no, but I noticed a sudden distance look in my husbands eyes...it haunted me it was so noticeable, his entire demeanor seemed to shift. I don't hardly remember the rest of the vacation to be honest with you from that point he took over the kids and I mostly slept...I could not get past the fatigue...
Once home I went to my family physician then was referred to a Rheumatologist, that one admitted I indeed had RA but thought the wheelchair was my best option along with a disability diagnosis, all they were willing to do was prescribe steroids and anti-inflammatory drugs. I gained 50 pounds the first month I was on steroids the dose was so high the next month I gained 35, when I looked in the mirror I was disgusted at what I saw...I felt truly ugly...I refused the wheelchair or the disability diagnosis...I prayed and got a referral to another Rheumatologist. This time I got some hope...yes I indeed had RA, but I did not have the crippling factor which they can genetically test for, I didn't even know that was possible, he told me I had a couple of treatment options...one was to come off steroids and attempt chemo and one of the tumor recrossing drugs, usually these were done as the last step but since my RA factor was so high and I had significant disease I was immediately cleared through insurance for this double medication treatment option, in fact I was told with 2 years of solid treatment I might be able to obtain a cure. I really didn't need to hear anymore than the word cure...I was way too young for disability or a wheelchair...whatever could be done I was willing. I came home and spoke to my husband and told him my options, I told him that I had decided to go after a cure, even though it was chemo. It was about a week and a half later he said he was leaving, that he could not take another hard thing in our marriage, he left later that day and went to live with his mom. I started chemo the next week....
The Disease
Treatment was more than tuff, once I started chemo my system shut down, I could not tolerate the pills but had to convert to shots to bypass my intestine, the steroids has so shut down my immune system I could not really fight the effects of the chemo, they were adding more and more drugs to my medical regime to assist me in "the cure" I refused narcotics...these are the drugs I was taking and why...
Topamax--an anti-seizure drug for nerve pain and migraine headaches prophylaxis
Flexaril--every night--to help my muscles stop cramping and aching so badly
Daypro--an anti-inflammatory that worked to decrease the swelling and pain
Methotrexate--chemo by shots
Either Humara or Embrel--the RA tumor recrossing drug needed by injection
Folic acid to help my hair grow and because of vitamin defiency I was facing
During treatment with all the above drugs my pain was pretty well controlled but I was really alarmed I could not loose any weight it was then I noted a swelling in my neck, I had developed a goiter....I had what is called Hashimoto's disease where the thyroid attacks itself. Often times it is not unusual to have 2 autoimmune diseases present themselves at the same time...it was time for more meds....
Armour thyroid--for the Hashimoto's disease
HCTZ--a diuretic needed to decrease excessive fluid commonly seen with thyroid disease
I was in such a downward spiral, my husband had left, I was trying to maintain my household on one income, I had to take my son out of private school, I decided homeschooling was the next best option...I was hardly coping at this time, I was hurt, I was angry, and I was in survival mode. my father had died 5 years previously, I had no spiritual mentor to go to...I found myself severely depressed...time for more meds
Lexapro--for depression
Amerge--for migraine headaches
Then my heart started skipping beats one day lab tests revealed a dangerously low potassium...time again for more meds
KCL--for the depleting potassium from the diuretic
Although getting better I still was in some severe headache pain, I could tell you when the chemo crossed the blood barrier in my head, the migraine tablets did not work for those headaches and they were debilitating...time for more meds and this time narcs were fine with me...
Tylenol #3--chemo headaches
Xanax--needed to sleep after I took the codeine
Phenergan--for the nausea and vomiting I had from the headaches
By this time I was on 15 meds. I was sick but I was making it, my kids were great but it was apparent my marriage was never going to make it, I had lost respect, trust and any semblance of hope I had that our marriage would overcome this...although my ex filed for divorce in July after he left in April, he agreed to wait until I was at least getting on my feet more to proceed further. The only fight I had in me was to get thorough this and be a mother. I did not have it in me to go to court. I had faced so many losses, my hair, my figure, my marriage status, my health, my son being in private school, and on top of that I had two teenagers who didn't understand...how could this happen to their mom, someone who loved God? It was so unfair in their eyes and I had to agree with them....Most days when I didn't work I slept for much of it, I couldn't clean my house well or hardly cook, food nauseated me...our future looked anything but bright. I had no help...no one, not my family, not my church came to our rescue. My two best friends lived in other states...my life felt like it was truly a shamble, I had no resemblance of my former self...I was in a pit of despair UNTIL...
One day reading my Bible I came on some verses in Ephesians...they spoke of us having a revelation of Him so we could KNOW the hope of our calling, and that there was an immeasurable power IN us who believed ....Wow, now I know the Word is truth, but if there is not evidence of what you read in your life I knew I was the one who was missing it somewhere...it became a quest of mine to find out why this power was missing in my life because it obviously was...I was barely functioning...
1:17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, 1:18 having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 1:19 and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power in us who believe, according to the working of his great might 1:20 which he accomplished in Christ when he raised him from the dead and made him sit at his right hand in the heavenly places, |
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