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| Love and Sex |
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This blog is lovingly written to all the young women who ever dream of true love.
Perfect love is probably the most sought and the most elusive concept on earth. Everyone seeks it, but it seems the more it is sought, the less it is found. To try to find love almost guarantees that we won't find it.
We see true love everywhere we look. In every movie. In every novel. Everyone at school has found it except for you. If you could only find someone to marry, life would be complete and perfect. Lies. All lies. Not only is love the most sought and the most elusive, but it is the most misunderstood of concepts. The love we see in the movies is a fairy tale. We watch it develop perfectly in two hours and are led to believe that when we leave the movie theatre, the screen couple lives happily ever after. It is a work of fiction, one that sells because we all have bought into a false definition of what love really is.
One of our problems with defining love is that the English language uses one word for many concepts. We love our favorite tv program. We love chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. We love our parents. We love basketball. We love our boyfriend. We love our dog. This overuse of the word accounts for much of the reason we struggle with defining what love really is. But there is more.
We are seeking something we cannot find because we are working with a flawed definition. We have come to define love as a feeling. An emotion. Hear me in love, as I tell you this is where we have gone wrong.
Allow me to back up for a moment and take us on a new look at adolescence. Adolescence is a time of rapid change (although the one experiencing it may not see how rapid it is), beginning in the preteen years and continuing into the 20's. Certainly we are all aware of the outward changes. Our bodies change quickly from children into adults, right before our eyes, and we don't quite know what to do with it all, or how it all operates. Well, that's only the beginning of the adolescent story. At the same time we are changing physically, we are also undergoing drastic changes both emotionally and mentally. All of a sudden we are able to analyze and synthesize information like never before. We are able to understand more than one side of an issue and begin to hear for the first time views that differ from what we have been taught, and they all sound reasonable to us. We have a new array of emotions that seem to have a mind of their own, coming and going without our control, much like what’s happening with our bodies. With our new mental capabilities, which are still out of our control, we come to believe that we are now more intelligent than our parents. And with our equally out of control emotions, we get angry and exasperated with them for not understanding us.
The truth is, they do understand. They remember well the confusion of those years, and they know first-hand the pitfalls that await us there, many of which can alter our entire lives. They have lived through adolescence and now have control of their physical, mental, and emotional capabilities, meaning there’s a good chance they actually know more than we do. There are some things that change, but the basics stay the same from one generation to the next. One day your body, your emotions, and your intelligence will stabilize, but until then, your parents are probably trying to keep you from making very costly mistakes.
Unfortunately parents cannot keep us from making bad choices. Ultimately there is no person in the world who controls your life except you. That’s right. Others may control parts of it for periods of time, but you are the person who ultimately chooses the person you will be. Now, that’s a frightening thought, because we are making these life-altering choices during the years when our mental and emotional development is in a state of confusion (although we don’t know it). We think our parents, our teachers, our pastors, the adults in our church cannot possibly have anything of value to offer us in our world of hook-ups and friends with benefits, and we often choose to take our advice from peers, who are equally confused, and who perhaps will not end up in life where we would want to be.
Now, let's go back to "love." I said that love is not an emotion, and then I left you hanging. True love is much deeper than an emotion, and it is unlikely that you will find it as a young woman where you are looking. It is a deep caring and cherishing of another person, and it is a commitment. It is a decision, not dependent on any feeling or circumstance. "I can do that," you say, and I know you mean it, but love cannot be forged. Chances are you already have some true love in your life. Is there someone in your life who is committed to loving you unconditionally, no matter what? Is there someone who cares for you more than anything in the world and cherishes you? Maybe a parent. Maybe a grandparent. But not likely a boyfriend. Yet.
Why do we think of love as a feeling? Because true love can bring feelings. The problem comes when we skip the true love, or more often convince ourselves we may have found it when we are nowhere close, and we want to go straight for the feelings. If we can find the feelings, we tell ourselves, then we have found love. No. No. No. This kind of thinking is sure to lead us down a path we will later regret. The regret may come immediately, or it may come 10 years later, but it wil come. It is so easy to confuse the feelings of physical intimacy with love, and we can become so emotionally involved that we choose to believe everything "he" or our peers say to convince us this is the "right" thing to do.
Suppose you have a Christian boyfriend, who believes it's wrong to be sexually active before marriage. This is great, but it leads to another danger, that of trusting him to be the one to say no. If we do not have our own lines drawn, we set ourselves up to fall when the other person is weak.
Sexual activity is one of the most confusing issues of adolescence. Everyone seems to be doing it, and it appears to be an exciting part of being grown up. The philosophies surrounding the young sexuality scene are all over the map. Many engage in sexual activity in hopes of making someone love them. Others "hook up" with no interest in commitment. Others consider themselves "friends with benefits." Others say as long as we don't do it one way, it doesn't count. All of these are detrimental to that elusive search for true love, because once true love finally finds you, you are sure to regret all these choices.
Why? Because when you finally find that true love, you will cherish him deeply and want to please him in every way. You will want to give of yourself as you have never given to anyone else. And past experiences become what the movies call "baggage." For example: the early sexual explorations you experience are teaching your confused body and mind how to react. We were designed this way, to bond intimately with the one person to whom we commit our lives. However, when we "practice" with others and then find intimacy with a husband, we cannot help but compare this experience with what we have known before, and because our bodies were "trained" with someone else, we are likely to experience physical and emotional frustrations with the one we love. Likewise if he has been sexually active before, there will be similar frustrations. I suspect it is this very phenomenon that accounts for many of today's divorces, that we have "practiced" being married too much. Marriage needs no practice. It needs love and commitment.
How do we find such love and commitment? Here's the tough part. We stop looking. We distract our minds with other things. Education. Jobs. Volunteer work. Church activities. Finding our own interests. Hobbies. Joining groups. And interestingly enough, when we find happiness within ourselves, we actually become more attractive to others.
That "perfect" relationship (which is never perfect, by the way, but it can be the "perfect" one for you) is complicated. Imagine this picture:
She wants someone who:
is a Christian
wants to live in the country
supports her choice to have a career
wants 2 children
She meets "him," and he meets all her criteria, plus he is really good-looking. Problem? These are not the criteria he has for a mate. There are other criteria that matter most to him.
He wants someone who:
shares his political views and love for politics
enjoys lectures and opera
mixes well with his colleagues
shares a natural chemistry
And although he likes her, she doesn't fit the mate he is seeking. As females, we often tell ourselves, "I can be all that. Just give me a chance." But we are missing the point. Finding the "perfect" match has to be a mutual fit. And it will be, when the time is right. (Maybe a clearer picture is to look at the guys who have thought you were the one for them, but you were not interested. What if he told you he could be all the things you are looking for? Doesn't work, does it?)
For now, concentrate on getting to know yourself, so you will know what it is you really want in a mate and in life. Seek to discover what is truly important to you, and commit to yourself that you won't settle for less than true love. True love probably won't be found as long as you are seeking it, and it certainly will not be found in physical intimacy, but when it comes along unexpectedly, it is worth the wait!
I realize that many of you who are still reading this blog have already made some bad choices. "It's too late for me," you say. No, it's not. You just have a bigger challenge. That's all. Does it make sense to continue making bad choices for the rest of your life just because you have already made a few? Of course not! There will be regrets for what you cannot change, but if you commit right now to live a life of purity, God will honor that, and you will be better prepared for love.
And if you have already found that true love? It is still worth the wait! If he is really the one, it will last. There's no reason to rush. Intimacy involves so much more than just the physical, and you will have a lifetime together for that, with no regrets! 13:4 Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 13:5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 13:6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 13:8a Love never ends. 4:16 So we know and believe the love God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
Note: The passion in this blog comes from 12 years of teaching high school students, 8 years of teaching college students, listening to more stories about searching for love than I can count, and taking several psychology and counseling classes in seminary and college. This is a blog written in love.
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Excellent advice! I especially like this: How do we find such love and commitment? Here's the tough part. We stop looking. We distract our minds with other things. Education. Jobs. Volunteer work. Church activities. Finding our own interests. Hobbies. Joining groups. And interestingly enough, when we find happiness within ourselves, we actually become more attractive to others.
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JulesM |
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June 26, 2007 at 8:32pm |
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Thank you for such brilliant honesty!
Growing up, i attended many "purity" classes and every one of them painted this fairytale picture of faithfulness to God making you a shoo-in for having ten boys fighting over you and a half dozen proposals by age eighteen. Of course, i have found life to be very different, but that only means i have not encountered the right one and it isn't time yet!
It's not easy to be single, especially when everyone around you is getting married. But, what am i entitled to anyway? Nothing! Everything i am and will be is God's! And what a relief that thought is. No one has to like me or...love me. i don't have to fall for anyone just now. i can just be. It is my time to find out who i am and at least decide what college to transfer to :)
i admit that some days it is so hard to look down at my own empty hand and see someone else whose hands are filled with another's.
All i have to do is ask, "God, what do you want to fill my hands with?" |
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| Love is not an emotion, Love is not a feeling, Love is doing Gods Will. |
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Kathy |
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June 26, 2007 at 9:28pm |
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Sincere thanks, Recon!
Jules, it is not easy. However, after their bodies, minds, and emotions stabilize (usually sometime in the 20's), you are exactly what the Christian guys will be seeking. In the meantime, work on developing the wonderful person you are! God has His hand on you! A prayer for you!
Ally, you raise some great issues. First, we can't make choices for anyone else, just as no one can make choices for us. For those who do not have God in their lives, it is unreasonable to think they would see any wisdom in this path. But they too will have regrets, disappointment, and hurt, which they may or may not share with you.
Second, yes, God is faithful to forgive all our bad choices, and He will even bring good from them when we hand them over to Him. However, this will not erase the natural consequences that follow all our choices. For example, consider an accidental pregnancy, in which the young woman chooses to keep the baby. She asks and receives God's forgiveness, and she dedicates her child to God. God may use this child as a blessing in her life, or even as a blessing to the world. Still there are consequences. The mother's college plans are cancelled or put on hold. Her weekends are no longer for hanging out with friends and dating, but for caring for her child.
Issues with the subject? We are human, Ally, and these issues are a part of the human experience. We are designed this way. And if we fall, God will pick us up and brush us off. He doesn't erase the natural consequences, but He loves us unconditionally, despite our many imperfections. This blog is not meant as a measure by which to judge each other, but rather a picture of God's perfect plan for love. Grace to you, my friend!
Thanks, Anthony! |
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Sue |
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June 26, 2007 at 10:30pm |
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Cathy I can not star this blog enough!! Amen Sister! I sure hope lots of single people will read this and take heed.
7:8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. I have know so many people who were so upset that they weren't married. And it wasn't until they decided to leave it in the Lord's hands and stop looking, that it happened. Every single time this happened, the outcome was the same. And the three people I can think of off the top of my head are all happily married now. It is almost like God wasn't going to send Mr. Right until His love was sufficient. Great post!! |
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| Beautifully written Kathy. |
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| Kathy, don't get puffed up here (I know you won't), but this is amazingly well written. Thank you for your time, your commitment to us, and your love!! ~mike |
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| Well expressed!!! I plan to print this off or at least have my daughter come by and read this, as soon as she gets back from church camp. And then you quoted her FAVORITE verse from the Bible!! Hopefully this will only reinforce her currrent feelings. |
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I hope it's OK for a guy to post here. I've met married people who want to be single. I've met seingle people who want to be married. I'm praying God works in myheart so that I'm content with God's will. |
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Kathy |
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June 27, 2007 at 2:11pm |
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Guys are definitely welcome, Jess, and Amen! Marital status is not the key to happiness, but to be content with wherever we are in life!
Thank you, Kadesha. A prayer for your daughter! Every teenager needs prayers!
Mike and Voice, thank you so much for your kindness!
Sue, I have a lot of the same stories! Oh the time we waste by wishing for something that will come later! |
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Joe G |
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June 27, 2007 at 6:57pm |
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| Well written, Kat. I would add just a thought that since I met my life-mate on a Christian dating site, it's not all "Wait and see." You do have to get out and mingle. But, your advice is spot on. Secondly, you need to get an education as to what a "healty relationship" is. Most girls study more for mid-terms than they ever study the dynamics of relationship. Love, as I say, is agricultural....you will sow and you will reap. The feelings that you get as a result of good choices is joy. Happily ever after! |
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Kathy |
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June 27, 2007 at 8:03pm |
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Thanks, Joe! You make a good point. I didn't mean to imply that we should wall ourselves up in the house and wait. What I was trying to say was not to make finding a mate our main focus. Enjoy life. Find other interests. Get involved in activities that matter to you. And I agree that the internet is a great way to meet people. We need, however, an attitude of freedom that says I can have a good time without thinking of every guy I encounter "Is he the one? or "How can I impress him?" I agree with your point about the need to read more about relationships - how to make them work, gender differences, etc. There's a lot of great material out there!
That said, I have a friend who was single into her forties and truly did spend all her time at home, even still living with her parents, and she never even owned a computer! Well, you guessed it! She got married a couple of years ago! What were the chances of her ever having a chance to meet anyone? But God doesn't work with our logic! Congratulations on your happiness! |
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| Well, Joe, I was taking her advice more so for women than men. I think to a degree men do have to do the hunting and pursuing. However, it seems to be a real problem when the women are the agressors...I have a daughter that was always seeking men rather than vice versa and it can cause a lot of heartache. |
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Kathy |
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June 28, 2007 at 7:36am |
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| D., you deleted your post soon after posting it, and I will surely respect your privacy here. However, your words seemed to cry out for help, and I hope you will hear what I'm about to say. Please, please, please, for your own sake, do not commit to either of these two men. You are not ready. Continue to get to know them both, but concentrate more on getting to know yourself. Pursue your own interests. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. When you are ready for a lifetime commitment, you will not wonder which one is the right one. Don't rush into choosing a life partner. Save yourself years of regret and heartache. You may contact me privately if you'd like to talk. A prayer for you, D. May God grant you wisdom and peace. |
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Kathy |
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June 29, 2007 at 5:59am |
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Thanks, Rick!
If anyone hasn't read Rick's blog about the Big Red Button, I recommend it. It's a clear and interesting story that illustrates temptation and sin. |
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| Awesome blog Kathy. Luv it. I'm gonna have my daughter read it. She just turned a teen and is trying to grow up too fast in the BF scene. Hopefully this will sink it somewhere. |
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Kathy |
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July 02, 2007 at 7:39am |
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| Thank you, Gretchen! A prayer for your daughter, and a renewed prayer for anointing of this blog. Sounds like your Creative Ministry went great yesterday! That is exciting for our church! |
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| I was just sitting in my college dorm, surfing the internet, looking for something. I always seem to be looking for something. I am a Christian and have been since my pre-teen days. Back then I was all about waiting for marriage, then that boy came along. He was a Christian too, he wanted to wait until marriage. We fell in love, and everything seemed like it would be forever. I was so blessed. God brought the person I was supposed to be with forever into my life. We had sex. I tried to find a loop hole in waiting until marriage by saying that he basically my husband. I thought if I knew and God knew that we would be together forever then sex was okay. I thought about the people who were married that didnt love each other and the fact they had sex and tried to justify my sexual realtionship by saying that God really wants us to commit and love each other. I was so wrong. I am a college freshmen. Five days after I moved into my dorm three hours away from home, he came up here and broke up with me. We were together for 2 years 7 months and 13 days, and then all of a sudden it was all over. I then woke up and realized what a fantasy world I was living in, and how wrong I had been. Right now I am so ashamed of myself. Not only did I have sex, I lied to myself and tried to bend God's will. Right now, I am not sure where to go with things. I just want to please God, but like the sex thing, I have been messing up in so many other areas. The fact that I had sex is controlling my ability to find God here at college. I am so lost right now, and I regret doing this. I do believe I love my ex-boyfriend, but I am not sure. Growing up and love is so complicated, but I sure did have it figured out. Sex complicates everything even more. Right now, I am sure I really want to wait to marriage to even consider sharing that with anyone else, but I do feel ashamed that I have "baggage" and I hope I can find someone who will be able to forgive me. I am not sure I even forgive myself about this, or even where to go next, but I know I keep your's and God's advice very close to my heart. |
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Kathy |
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July 03, 2007 at 7:35pm |
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Nikye, my little sister, a hug to you! You are not alone, and your story here will touch many lives who are exactly where you are! There are thousands of Christian girls just like you, Nikye, hundreds of thousands. Some of them even at your college. It is exactly for stories like yours that I wrote this blog. We girls can get so rapt in our emotions and our own illusions of love that we can totally lose ourselves in someone else. I do not doubt that you loved this guy, Nikye, but, as you so painfullt learned, even loving someone does not guarantee a lifetime together or give us God's blessing for physical intimacy.
Here's what I hope and pray for you, Nikye: First, be sure you are repentant before God for your disobedience. Then accept His forgiveness and His unconditional love for you. Now picture yourself at age 25 looking back on all this. You will be able to say "I made some bad choices 7+ years ago, but when I was a freshman in college I recommited my complete life to Christ, and He has used my bad choices for His good, in my life and in the lives of so many other girls." Finally, the question of where to go from right now. Get involved in Christian organizations (Young Life, Intervarsity, Campus Crusade for Christ etc.) at your college. You don't have to share your story with them, but you also don't need to pretend to be perfect, because none of us is. If you are comfortable sharing, you could share that you have made some bad choices and are learning to live in God's grace. That's where we all are! Within a semester you will have met some new Christian friends who will not judge you but will walk beside you.
God has His hand on your life, Nikye. I can see that in your words. He has started a good work in you and will be faithful to complete what He has started. I will be praying for you Nikye. If you feel so led, update me and let me know (here or privately) what God is doing in your life!
1:6 And I am sure that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
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Kelly |
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July 03, 2007 at 8:31pm |
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Thank you so much for confirming what I believe. I am not quite an adolescent anymore, but I still am without my soul-mate. It is so hard in today's World to meet people with high morals and values. When I speak with someone who could be a potential mate, they do not agree with my beliefs to wait til marriage for sex (therefore I do not waste my time). I am a divorced woman who needed to get out of the marriage for my emotional and physical well-being. I have experienced sex, but have decided to be abstinent until I find the man God created for me. It has been 8 years since my divorce, and I still have Faith that God will lead me to him. It took me a while to become happy with who I am. Now that I know I am worthy of all God has in store for me, I will not settle! Love is worth waiting for!
Thanks again for the encouraging words.
Kelly |
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Kathy |
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July 04, 2007 at 4:59am |
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Hi Kelly! Your story illustrates the important point that this issue is not one that only affects adolescents, but all single people of any age (and unfortunately, even many married people). Sexuality is a natural drive, and unfortunately, one the church has often left unaddressed, other than just to say "don't." "Don't" is not enough. Single people and adolescents are longing for dialogue. Too often they see no connection at all between the church and their lives. The church seems completely irrelevant, because it isn't addressing the issues that bombard them daily.
My heart goes out to you, Kelly. A prayer for you, that God will grant you peace, and that He will lead you, in His time, to the man He is preparing for you. Although I don't advise making our primary focus that of finding a mate, as Joe mentioned, you can find some good Christian fellowship in the on-line Christian match-making sites, many of which are free. Be careful with it, but it can be a lot of fun, and you'll "meet" others who have chosen the narrow road.
Thank you, for sharing your story here. Welcome to MyChurch, and may God bless you, Kelly! |
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Paige |
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July 05, 2007 at 7:27am |
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wow. i was going through a hard time right now. parents got divorced now after they got divoreced i started to get boyfriends. got the first one last year to afraid to do anything. wasn't the one for me. now this one i "love" suppossidly, we have gone through alot its jus the weirdest thing we are honoest and tell each other everything and i jus feel different with him. but we do more than i want to. when we are to gether i feel like it is ok to do it. but after i feel embarrassed with myself for allowing the temptation. i dont do anything bad. not sex but i go a little past kissing and i dont like how i feel afterwards. and i like what you said about Adolescenece, we are constantly changing. i honestly talk to my boyfriend that i dont want to go to far and he agrees but i seem to not be thinking. what can i do to stop allowing temptation? i am afraid i will go too far eventually. because i know this boy is not my husband and there is someone else out there for me later. and ever since i was small i have loved God with no questiom (sorry i am ramballing and kind of giong off subject) and i still do but ever since about middle school i feel like there is something between me and God. i thought maybe it was my parent divorce but i noticed my "change" was a few years before that. will i have to wait and keep searching till i am about 20 till i finally see God and love God like i used to. i am really trying to find Him but i feel like i am lost in a mist unable to see him. |
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Kathy |
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July 05, 2007 at 10:36am |
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Dear Paige, thank you for sharing your story here so others can see that they are not alone! This is a difficult topic to discuss, because our churches generally have not invited this dialogue, and I have received more private messages from this blog than any other. So many people share your same story, Paige! I have prayed for you several times since first reading your story, and for my response to you. I hope you will hear my words and trust than in a few years your confusion will be gone and you will be in total agreement with God's plan for your life.
You asked: What can i do to stop allowing temptation? First, the bad news: the temptation will not stop. Temptation is a part of the human expereince, and every time you are in that kind of situation you will be faced with temptation. Now, I suspect what you really want to know is how you can overcome it, and that's the good news, but it's not easy! 1 Cor. 10:13 promises:
10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Wow! That's a super promise! But overcoming temptation still takes tremendous self-discipline, which is difficult when we are all rapt in emotion. Here's my prayer for you, Paige: that you will pray privately, asking God to show you where He wants you to draw the line. Then make that commitment to Him BEFORE you are put into the situation again. Share your commitment with your boyfriend, and then stick to it. He will probably respect that, but he will push it to see if you really mean it, and if you cross the line, it's broken and no longer means anything to him. YOU alone can take control of your life. If you leave the decisions to your boyfriend, you and I both know it is just a matter of time.
You said: i am afraid i will go too far eventually. Paige, you are right about that! Unless you draw your own line, you WILL go too far eventually. Every time we give in, it is easier next time to go that far, and then to push for just a tiny bit more . . . until eventually there is no return.
Now should that happen at some point, your life with God will not end. You will deeply regret your choice though. (Read again Nikye's story above.) I have never heard anyone say they wish they had had sex at a younger age! Have you?
Finally, Paige, your relationship with God. God loves you, and it is obvious to me, without even knowing you, that God has His hand on your life. He has protected you and given you a good mind and conscience. Sometimes it is our disobedience that causes us to feel that separation from Him. Pray to Him about this, and make your "line" commitment, confessing your sincere sorrow before Him and asking His forgiveness. Pray for His guidance in your relationship with your boyfriend, and that God will place some support in your life to help you through these difficult years. Then believe that He has heard you. Maybe you will feel His presence powerfully. If not, that does not mean He is not there. That's why we call it "faith." We can't always feel Him, but we know He is with us.
Are you involved in a youth group at church? Is your group doing any kind of retreat or mission trip this summer? If so, try to get involved, even if it's late. Share your story with your youth leader, and be on stand by for any opening that may come up. Watch for youth rallies, or any youth event where God can speak to you among others who live your same struggles. There is such power and healing in those experiences!
Love to you, Paige. Keep me posted, here or privately, if God so leads! |
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Kipper |
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July 11, 2007 at 5:38am |
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Kathy! My dear sister in Christ! What a completely awesome post! I have worked with kids for years...and now have a tween myself...I have so often struggled for the right words to tell them, as they have always sounded so empty! And not only for teens! Let me tell you something, I am 42 and divorced and you would be amazed at how many "Christian" men pursue sex in a relationship! It's unbelievable! What you have written is also applicable to those of us "older" girls who, although once married, never had the love and acceptance of her mate (instead had abuse and adultery) and came out of the marriage more starved than when we were a teen/young adult. It can be so confusing, especially when the media gets involved. Your post really helps to encourage me too, as I know that for the past 2 years as God and I have been rebuilding a real life for me, He's preparing me for when he brings along the REAL Christian man he has for me...and that's a 24/7 job! ;) And I will be printing it out to share with my sweet young folks at church too! God Bless YOU!
Kipper
Jer. 29:11-14 |
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Kathy |
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July 11, 2007 at 12:58pm |
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Hi Kipper, my new friend! Thank you for the very kind words! You are right that this issue is not only for "the young," and unfortunately I am not amazed at your "news." This can be a confusing issue to all ages, male and female, albeit for somewhat different reasons. Thank you so much for sharing a part of you story. A prayer for you and for those with whom you plan to share the blog. May God work in all our lives to perfect our wisdom, our devotion to Him, and our strength in Him!
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My story is much like Nikye's, with a different outcome...mostly. After being date-raped at 15, I was certain no decent Christian man would ever want me. I use the term date-rape very cautiously because it's hard to find a way to describe it in a few words but allow the full truth to show through--I was way too young to be dating in the first place, and I dated a guy who was older. He was a gentleman for a few dates but then started getting more physical. I allowed myself to go along with it until one night when he pushed farther than I wanted to go and my frantic "no" was drowned out by the whirring sound of me careening down the slippery slope I had willingly stepped onto. We think we are invincible and will be able to make wise decisions at any juncture. We are not as strong as we think we are. I was still 15 when I met Steve. He had had a sexual relationship before me with a girl he'd been crazy about. Their relationship had ended in a teen pregnancy, angry parents, a forced breakup, and a baby given over for adoption even though Steve begged to be allowed to marry her and raise the baby. But God's hand hadn't left Steve, and when we met he brought the stability of Christ into my life and loved me without condition. We gave into temptation and had sex (we fought it for a while, but we'd both already had sexual encounters, which makes that much harder), then prayerfully decided to stop, then gave in again. I got pregnant at 16 and we were married soon afterward. There have certainly been natural consequences for us. I guess you could say we are living proof that God can take a bad situation and bring good out of it. We have struggled financially throughout our marriage, and Steve's career path has been much rockier than it could've been, even with his college degree. Today is our 27th anniversary, and we are grateful beyond words for the way God has blessed us. Still, we will always wonder what it could've been like had we done things in order and in God's timing. As wonderful as our relationship is today, what could it have been like had we made wiser decisions back then? We will never know. What we have done, though, is raise our five children to make much wiser choices than we did. Our youngest (our only daughter) is 12 and going through the classic hormonal confusion that has her anxious and not too crazy about this growing up thing, but she is a very wise and mature girl who makes good decisions. Our 14-year-old son is just beginning to notice that his best friend (who happens to be a girl) sometimes makes his heart beat a little faster (which has initiated some really interesting conversations between us, I assure you). Our 16-year-old son is navigating those bizarre waters of friendship with a gazillion girls without allowing romance to enter the picture (no small feat). Our 21-year-old son married his sweetheart this past April, both having kept themselves pure for marriage. Our 26-year-old son saved himself for marriage, and although there is more to his story I will keep it brief here. I guess what I am saying is that we are doing everything we can to raise our children to benefit from our mistakes and look toward even more abundant blessings than we have experienced. God truly wants the BEST for us, and sometimes we, well-meaning though we might be, trade His best for something else because we think we have things all figured out. This has gotten much longer than I intended. I do want to say thank you for this amazingly well- written piece. I will be sharing it with my daughter later today, and with my sons in the coming week. May you be deeply and profoundly blessed as you bring truth and understanding to some pretty complicated areas of life and help others to make sense out of "this growing up thing". Hugs,
Lisa |
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Thanks for writing this, it's good to remind myself now and then. I just wonder that I'm 44 and never been married, a Christian since 16, wanting so much to have a Christian partner for over 20 years. I've been doing all these things, Education. Jobs. Volunteer work. Church activities. Finding our own interests. Hobbies. Joining groups. have them down to a science you could say, keep quite busy, and yet I just find myself older and still alone. I'm not overweight or overly shy or missing an eyeball etc. I just don't understand why God would give me a huge desire for a man (both physical and emotional) and then not bring a marriage partner into my life? I can say this because, well, everyone thanks God for their marriage partner, saying HE brought them together etc, and i feel quite overlooked. I supposed I could have married but was not in love, and I knew that would have been a bad choice - I hear of too many loveless marriages. I know that marriage will not solve all my problems, I know it's work and a commitment. I'd rather trade the work I'm doing now (trying to meet people and nurturing my interests and career) with the work of growing a committed relationship. One thing you didn't mention aside from exploring interests and how that makes you more interesting - was playing the game, acting unavailable so the guy has to put some effort out there to be with you... it's like they value a prize more that they had to fight hard for. I'm not very good at that but I am working on it. The other thing I have to mention is Neil Clark Warren. I read something he wrote - a book maybe - and how concerned he was that his own daughter would never get married - OH MY GOD she was almost 30!!! Well good thing he's not my dad because he'd be having a heart attack over me by now. (by the way I tried his web site. the experience was unproductive and rather maddening.) I'm just sayin' I do believe I know what love is, but I don't have that and I want it, not more than I want God because that would be sin, but I just wonder why God has not chosen to bless my life this way.
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| How I wish someone had given me these words when I was a teenager! I had sex with my boyfriend - we were "married in our hearts" and so it was okay. HA! God's words are black and white - not the gray state that we bent things into. I urge all of you young men and women out there to save yourselves for your marriage. My husband and I have been in counseling for numerous affairs, as he has tried desperately to find the sexual experience and response that his body was "trained" to feel during sexual relationships with many women before me. How hurtful to know that it took 3 years of marriage for your husband to make love to you and FINALLY not think back to another woman. That struggle is constant. God didn't make rules for no reason. He loves us. He wants us to be safe and for our bodies to be healthy. And he wants us to have healthy relationships - even if you wait until you are married once you find your spouse, previous sexual encounters really will contaminate that relationship. I think some of you need to read that again. EVEN if you wait until you are married once you find your spouse, previous sexual encounters REALLY WILL contaminate that relationship. It is out of your control. Remember when Jesus asked the woman at the well why she had so many husbands?? The spiritual connection and emotions sparked by that physical intimacy changes us forever. And even though God will wrap his arms around you and forgive you - he takes the sin away, as far as the east is from the west. But he cannot remove the consequences - your spirit will be in battle with those for much longer than you can imagine. |
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Kathy |
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July 15, 2007 at 10:21pm |
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Dear Lisa, thank you for sharing your story, and happy anniversary! Yours is a story of God's redemption, grace, and forgiveness. When we are His, He can turn even our worst choices into something good, as is evident in your 27 years together and your 5 wonderful children! A special prayer for your daughter and your sons that they will get a clear understanding of this issue, however God wants to deliver it.
Hangar18, yours is perhaps the toughest of questions here. I have friends who share your story, and from my imperfect observations, there are probably different reasons for each of their stories. I don't know you, so these thoughts may not apply to you in any way, but I'll ramble here just in case any of my friends' situations might be close to yours:
Some try too hard. I don't advocate "playing the game," but I do believe a prospective partner can see our desperation, and runs from it. Somehow we have to reach a point, not of just pretending, but of being truly content alone, to be attractive to the opposite sex.
I have other friends who just need to put themselves into some meeting situations. For adults, I think Christian matchmaking sites on-line are a great way to get to know people, as long as they don't get in a hurry to have that actual face-to-face meeting. Write to each other for a while, talk on the phone for a while, and then, when both parties feel like they really know each other and there's potential for chemistry, meet somewhere public just for dinner or coffee. (Most on-line acquaintances should never get to the actual meeting point.) It's OK to talk with several on-line people at once, and share as much as you can about your interests and what is most important to you. Ask all the important questions about the other person: How does his faith mold his life? What happened to his last relationship? How much debt does he have? How does he deal with anger?, etc. And don't ever settle for someone in hopes that he will change!
Hangar18, if you have a close friend, he/she might be able to see something you could try differently. But sometimes it just isn't time yet. I already mentioned in an earlier comment my friend who got married for the first time in her late 40's, and that's not old, you know! Yes, that's a long time to wonder all the things you are wondering, but if you find Mr Right in your 40's, you still have 40 years or so to enjoy each other! I don't know you, Hangar18, and if none of this applies to you, please ignore it, and know that I do not know the answer, other than just that God hears your prayers and that He loves you. I can feel your pain, and I pray for love and peace in your life, however God chooses to provide it. Love to you, my sister!
MountainMama, thank you for sharing your personal story, so it can make a difference in others' lives! Relationships can be so complicated. A prayer for you and your husband that God will heal and use you! |
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Kipper |
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July 16, 2007 at 4:39am |
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| Mountain Mama...I do know how you feel...luckily for me, I unknowingly married a sex/porn addict and by bringing that garbage into our marriage (he thought marriage would "cure" him-which is a lie), destroyed our marriage, our family and has nearly destroyed me and my son (12) personally. ALL sex outside of marriage is destructive! You can sugarcoat it all you want (and believe me, there are "Christian" men out there who do it all the time...I have heard every line in the book from them!) As part of my counseling after my divorce, I have forced myself to look at the issue of not dragging my past garbage into the next one, and that would also be the sex part of it too (sex with someone who is a sex and porn addict, it is NOT anything close to the lovemaking that God ordains for marriage-so for me, there was lots of junk to get rid of!) The great news is there can be healing...only through Jesus Christ! HE is the ONLY way! |
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Wow, so I'm only 18 years old and yes, I do have those crazy fantasies in my head all the time. The advice is just amazing that you have given. I might even print it (if that is ok with you of course) for a reminder.
To me love is precious and I always know that sooner or later a guy will come waltzing my way lol. I've seen what love really looks like through the people at my church, its undying, with the troubles and I'm sure argruments, but they always tell me and give advice telling me to wait. Sadly I've seen ones who just want to get married so they get engaged to a guy who they seem to love, but than break it off. Then I have some I've known that get married real fast and are desperate because they come to a certain age and they feel they'll be lonely if they are not married before 30 and will never find someone and be a lonely old lady the rest of their lives.
Also, I am all for not having sex before marriage staying pure until marriage being ridiculed because I don't want to have sex. I've wanted to wait since I was 8 years old when I first found out about it. This entry just made me even more want to wait for God to guide me and help me through it all. To trust him with all my heart in the end.
Being the only 18 year old in my church, I don't have another 18 year old to relate too,it is hard, I'm at a risky stage from my transition into adulthood but yet I'm still a young girl, naive, dying for more knowledge on Christ especially when it comes to love. Sometimes, I get scared and sometimes, I meet the wrong kind of guys sometimes I meet great guys. But in the end, they turn out to be just the same as described here. Sure they are not my BF's cause I have not had one for a while now. But they are friends of mine and shockingly they tell me everything. Some of my Girlfriends are the same way. I've only met three of them that want to save sex until marriage. Those that do it before marriage they feel, that is their bargain to give it to the other guy, because he deserves it, since he deserves what he wants and just not him in the end.I know for a fact not all guys are like that. Which I find, NO save it until marriage.
I want to thank you, for writting such an amazing entry and something on my mind all the time! Thanks a whole bunch! At least I know I'm not the only 18 year old that feels the same now or anyone for that matter. |
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Kathy |
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July 17, 2007 at 7:21am |
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Hi Sarah Elizabeth! Welcome to MyChurch! You sound like an 18-year-old with her priorities in order! You are welcome to print out the blog, but also come back to check it out here, to read others' stories. I understand what you are saying, Sarah Elizabeth. Even when we have chosen to wait, it is sometimes difficult and cunfusing. God has His hand on your life. I prayed for you as I read your comment, and I welcome your interaction here or privately anytime you want to talk! You are special!
Churches: I don't understand why this issue is so pushed back by the church. We adults seem to think that if we don't talk about it, it will never cross the minds of the youth. Churches, listen to these young people! "Just say no" is not enough! Talk with them. Listen to them. Understand them. Guide them. They want to make sense of it all. They want to know how to live a life pleasing to God in their world, and they want to know why.
Challenge to adults only: Ask yourself why, really why, you want the youth in your church to choose abstinence? Probably the first "reasons" that pop up are not really your own. They are what you have heard over and over (and so have the youth): STD's, pregnancy . . . Dig deeper now. What if we could be assured that this particular young person that you love would not become pregnant or get an STD? Would you still want her to be celibate? Why? What is it that YOU really are concerned about? THAT is what these youth want to hear! They want to hear our hearts, the depths of why we say the things we say. And they would prefer to hear it from us, but will listen to whomever they find who will hear them.
I wish I could share with all of you the number of private messages this blog continues to generate (from ages 12 to 50-something). Our precious youth want to talk about this issue. Can we as a church try harder to hear them and take off the blinders of thinking they are too young or too "well brought up" to be thinking about any of this? This issue does not exempt Christians! Humans were so designed. Can we hear their cries? |
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| Hi Kathy, Thanks for the response and the pointers. Those are good questions to get answers to but usually I don't get that personal until after having met. Unless they volunteer the information. I do multiple online sites, just met a guy today in fact, but I think the picture he sent me was not very recent, so he looked a lot older than I was expecting. I do have friends I talk about dating and men and the ones that seem to ring most true are the ones that tell me about the game/attitude; that my attitude needs to be that they are lucky to spend ten minutes with me much less an entire evening; that they should wait for when I'm available - I should never be available at late notice, that kind of thing. And to me it has to be a game because it's really not how I think or who I am. I am available. And usually am up for something at late notice. And I feel lucky to be with them instead of the other way around. But how can a guy appreciate/desire a woman he didn't have to wait for/ work for/ give chase to? Don't people generally want more what they can't attain? Perhaps if I could adopt this attitude for real instead of acting it (some women have this attitude naturally) I would make fewer 'mistakes' in relationships and one might actually go somewhere. |
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| Wow You all worked on this one. |
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Kathy |
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July 18, 2007 at 8:18pm |
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