i would like to warn you first .... the f word is in this .... if it offends you ...it is not ment to ... this is how it happened and what i said to GOD .....

i hope that you would listen to this song as you read

From my earliest memory's i have always known i was different, i always felt special and choosen by "god"i was abandoned by my mom at 4 , my dad gave us to our grandparents who raised my brother and i until we were 7and 8 then he remarried took us back and his wife hated us was mean and restenfull to us because she kept miscarring .


after the 3or 4th one she began to physically abuse us on top of wreatched emotional abuse , at 13 they kicked me out and my brother followed a year later i became one of the few emancipated minors in n.y.s i had my own apt and a job at 15 and still graduated h.s , got married to my boy friend of 5 years at 19 and had my first son at 20 , my ex has "bi polar , and a "manic rage disorder" he physically abused me our whole relationship.for what ever reason some may say mental problems

i always was told things in my head by god , this is how i have always explained it, since i was little , i had dreams, saw what i called angels, knew things were gonna happen , what people were gonna say.
i used to play games with my self to see if it was really real by writing down what a particular teacher would wear before school , and be right 7 times out of 10.

i got closer to puberty it kinda turned off and started to be very sparattioc happinings. i have always felt "preasances" or being watched to the point where at times i was fear struck and had to go down halls with my back to the wall.i could tell when people were being false ,fake ,lying.i have always been in tune with others feelings, especially when one is in emotional pain and suffering,. i seemed to always have to words to say to help , all this sorta tuned down as i said , it was sparratoic.

well in the summer of 2001 one i was 26 going on 27 in aug is when it started happining all the time again , it felt like an old friend to mee , i missed it , but with it came tons of suffering, my third child my daughter was almost 1 at the time , when brian {my ex} started really flipping out bad on me and on june 17 he tried to kill me.. i woke up at 5;am my daughter would be up soon and needed milk for her ba ba.

i lived in a tiny town guilford n,y on a gravel road in the woods and it was a ways to the store , it was pouring rain our driveway was a 110 yard mud pit. so i got dressed left .. when i came back i was about to pull in when reality seemed to snap, it was lucid , i began to hear:"dont be afraid , i am with you . " i am with you it will be okay.i was scared but not in my self ,its hard to explain.. again i hear "be calm do not be afraid i am with you" so i park my car and walk in my double wide knowing brian was gonna hurt me , i hope the kids are still asleep.

there he is in his boxers in his recliner snarling at me like a demon, i said hi , had to get milk and held it up for him to see.. put it and my keys on the counter and went to the bathroom , the whole time hearing that angelic voice say to me be calm, i am with you listen closley be calm.

i come out of the bathroom and he is approaching me rubs passed me and goes to the bathroom, then i hear NOW GRAB YOUR KEYS BE CALM DONT RUN YOU WILL FALL he had bent my keys , i hear SLOWLY UNBEND YOUR KEYS KEEP WALKING DONT RUN YOU WILL SLIP .

I AM WITH YOU DONT BE AFRAID i get to my car , it is pouring so hard i prayed for the key not to break let it start the car he is gonna kill me. i am in the car it starts ...

when i put it in reverse to back out i hear NO DO NOT TURN AROUND LOOK IN FRONT OF YOU , YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME and out the door he comes flying the porch roof was not connected good to the trailer so the wood was indeed slippery.

he grabbed the "go devil" because he was a logger and had axes ,chainsaws and the like on the porch, any way he grabs it and runs across the porch and starys down the stairs , i scream GOD HELP ME i knew he WAS INDEED GONNA KILL ME when he slipped and fell down the stairs, i hear the voice I AM WITH YOU KEEP WATCHING mean while my car is some how staying on the muddy driveway while rolling down it .

he is up and running along side the car and from here on out it was like the matrix the way we moved, he went to swing that go devil,i scream GOD HELP ME AS HE SWINGS HE SLIPS AND FALLS ON THE WET GRASS .... GETS UP AND CONTINUES AFTER ME ,THE VOICE SAYS STAY CALM ... I AM WITH YOU i am no seeing i am at the end of the drive way and i have to back out of it saftley, so i turn around back out and he is right there at the end of the driveway raising the go devil to throw it at my car.

my car is not moving i had it in drive and was flooring it because of the wet gravel i went know where, then he threw that I SCREAMED GOD GOD HELP ME AS I WATCHED IN MATRIX MOTION THAT GO DEVIL FLIP TOWARDS ME 3 TIMES AND IT LIKE STOPPED MID AIR AND DROPPED DOWN AND INSTEAD OF COMMING THRU THE WINDOW IT HIT JUST BELOW IT ... THEN MY CAR MOVED FORWARD FISH TAILING DOWN THE ROAD i looked in the rearview to see him running in the rain in his underware in bare feet down the road after me.

my eyes closed tight , i know i was not driving my car .. i felt this primal scream come forth not from my mouth but from my chest.. hot tears swelling from behind tightly shut lids popping out to hit the steering wheel like rain , i found my self pulled over about a mile down the road.

my bible was in the car , i was playing church hoping that would make a differance i kept it in ther so i would not forget it , wanted the church people to see i8 brought it each week ya know.... any way i am screaming crying GOD GOD WHAT EVER I KNOW YOU ARE REAL YOU JUST SAVED MY LIFE NOW I HATE YOU I F@#ING FU@#ING HATE YOU WHY WHY I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO BE GOOD DO WHAT WAS RIGHT , LIVE IN LOVE MY PARENTS HATED ME MY HUSBAND HATES ME AND YOU ARE CRUEL TO GIVE ME THIS LIFE OF SUFFERING NOW TALK TO ME TALK TO ME NOW KILL ME KILL ME I HATE YOU TALK TO ME NOW....this is when he took my life and gave me his....  and i realized this was the holy spirit speaking to me and it was him who spoke the careful directions to me just moments before

so i opened that bible up at random , i flung it open and read this.........the lord will command his loving kindness in the day time and in the nite his song shall be with me a prayer to the god of my life , I WILL SAY TO GOD MY ROCK WHY HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME WHY DO I GO MOURNING BECAUSE OF THE OPPRESSION OF THE ENEMY AS WITH A BREAKING OF MY BONES MY ENIMES REPROACH ME WHILE THEY SAY TO ME ALL DAY LONG WHERE IS YOUR GOD.....HOPE IN GOD FOR I SHALL YET PRAISE HIM THE HELP OF MY COUNTENANCE AND MY GOD.... PSALM 42 AND THEN I WENT ON TO READ 43 look them up sometime.

after a while i realized... THE KIDS so i drove home absolutly no fear none the kids were up he was doing breakfast the baby was on the couch with her babab in her teeth calling to me ...

shortly brian ended up in a mental hospital, i did not know what to do or how to get out , i had no where to go, and guilt over came him and he tried to kill himself and that was how i was released , and he was there long enough for me to make plans and with help from the church, move on august 11 kids in bed .

i had been in my bed praying and i had an  experience at the time i did not know  what it was suddenly my head was flooded with light and i felt a fire rise from deep within me i felt like a pin point laser going into the middle of my forhead and waves of new light was flooding and washing over my brain, i was in terriable pain and thought i was really dying.

i said god you can have me i am yours, but please let it wait till morning to get the boys to school and sissy to the neighbors and then you can take me home , when suddnly i was standing 3 feet off the ground at the end of my bed i could see me still in bed, i could see me floating.

i was looking out the bed room doorway and started to see this white dust , i could hear scretching and crunching metal i could smell this burning dead smell , i describe the sound like a plain crashing in to a train that is crashing into a wall at the same time...

i saw a figure to my right in pereffial vision , i then wept and wept bitterly. the next thing i knew i heard this celestrial singing , it is the only way to describe it it was other wordly ii heard it every nite for 2 years when it did leave for good i wept for weeks as if someone died, any way the vision ended and it was suddenly morning and i was sitting up in bed is the next thing i remember .

from that day forward i have a peace that cannot be described. but i went and told my pastor the "dream" and of course he is thinkin i am nuts ... and so did i untill sept 11 happened and when i heard the 1st tower fall , i knew i heard it before , that was the sound i heard the night of the vision. from june 17 on thru my 27th bd into sept and over the next year is when i was awoken , i read the bible thru and thru over and over .

 i grew to know it to be more and deeper   then it had ever been the words were comming alive , i began writing after reading and praying writing what i was learning.

later finding out this is called gnosis{first hand personal experience with GOD}because it seemed i would read a bit and then all this knowledge came to me in automatic run on sentence writing. it was profound ,people began to be affected by my words at bible studies ,prayer meetings,   know  people were calling me a mystic a prophet people not in church out of relationship with the  GOD HEAD called me psychic . asking how do you know these things, i would tell them im not psychic only GOD KNOWS THE HEART AND MIND OF MAN ... and he loves you and has compelled and given me courage to say these things to you and he wants you to seekhim