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| Recognizing Signs of Abusive Relationship |
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Recognizing Abusive RelationshipsInformation from the YWCA Womens Shelter
Types of Violence:
Intimidation
• Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures.
• Smashing, destroying or confiscating your partner’s property.
• Abusing pets as a display of power and control.
• Silent or overt raging.
• Displaying weapons or threatening their use.
• Making physical threats.
Emotional Abuse
• Putting your partner down or making them feel bad about themselves.
• Calling your partner names.
• Playing mind games.
• Interrogating, harassing or intimidating your partner.
• Humiliating your partner, whether through direct attacks or “jokes”.
• Making your partner feel guilty or ashamed.
(Also ignoring you, neglect)
Isolation
• Controlling what your partner does, who she or he sees and talks to, what she or he reads,
where she or he goes.
• Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.
• Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.
• Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.
• Using jealousy to justify your actions.
Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting
• Making light of the abuse and not taking your partner’s concerns seriously.
• Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn’t that bad.
• Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e.: I did it because
you _______.)
• Saying your partner caused it.
Use of Children
• Making your partner feel guilty about the children.
• Using the children to relay messages.
• Using visitation to harass your partner.
• Threatening to take the children away.
Economic and Sexual abuse are addressed on SpeakUpMinistry.ning.com
Public Service Videos are included on SpeakUp site on ning.com
See:
Galations 5
Ephesians 4
18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue; And they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Battleoffaith.org |
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| To add a comment to "Recognizing Signs of Abusive Relationship" |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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| Thanks for posting, Cheryl. It's important to get the message out so people can be aware! |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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| All very typical signs of abuse. Good info. |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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| i know i have been there done that |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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Amen everyone,
Lara, actually it is the opposite...one can not think clearly when in an abusive situation adn the cycle does just that...cycles around. There is an cycle with this and it is called an Domestic Violence Cycle. it includes different stages and the honeymoon stage...so many people consider their relationship as 'normal'...one has a blow up then it rests, then a coming back around with things said, tension, etc, then a blow up (ie: physical or verbal) then the honey moon period. It is very dangerous and life threatening. Without talking to you and getting the whole (not-one-sided) situation it is not easy to detect whom should or should not stay...Ephesians and Galations talk about the way a Christian or person should behave. This applies to both, Christian and Non-Christian. Would you yell or puch or hit the mail-man....
If you are in an abusive relationship, then you need to seek help. It is wise to be in counseling with an Counselor whom is vast in this subject verses just someone's opinion. Also, i actually have an Certificate of Domestic Violence Education. There is more to it that simply what was stated. |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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| i agree with yahschild |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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So true Lara, there is a difference, this blog is about abuse. If you two are iron-sharpening-iron, that is different; however, their should be only gentleness and love there...love is patient, kind, etc.... It is in how you are handling a situation.
Your situation sounds different than what we are discussing in this blog. This is about an abuser...either man or woman.
Much love lady!
xoxo |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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Got your message, I did erase your comments
xoxo |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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Well said Cheryl. The Domestic Abuse Hotline has numbers you can call to get help. Reports of abuse can also be reported to Human Services in one's home town. I hope to soon post some help numbers soon. God bless you.
Pastor Chuck |
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| February 08, 2009 |
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Help numbers are located on my hompage..under SpeakUpMinistry.
Also, educational help is at: SpeakUpMinsitry.ning.com
and see ones phonebook
always call the police |
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| February 09, 2009 |
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| Good informations. Thanks for that |
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| February 09, 2009 |
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I read your message very carefully Cheryl - and I recognise most of them. The one that stands out the most is the emotional aspect of abuse. People can be battered from pillar to post, but the lasting effects are those of the emotions. Let me give a few examples:
Back in 1988 I knew a woman that had a very magnetic personality. She was kind, fun-loving - and everything you could imagine. Problem was, with that magnetic personality - it was pulling everybody towards her that shouldn't be. Last year as I was sitting having a cup of coffee at what you call "the Mall" over there, she happened to spot me, and I spotted her (in that order). She came over and we started talking about old times - and how I used to bail her out on the production line cos she was so wrapped up with talking to people because she was so magnetic. Never once could she meet the production target because she was always nattering to people. So out came "super Steve" that outstripped all the production targets - and gave the rest away to make hers up. We laughed when we recalled that time on the production line. It was serious, but it was also funny when we thought about it. Then something came out of the blue that I didn't expect. She described how her partner of that time was torturing her with what she called mental abuse. What happened, don't know, but she ended it after 15 years in the early to mid 90's. Up until last year, she had a couple of relationships, but they all ended in failure. Last year she said, I think I've met the right man this time. Right man being - one that doesn't mentally abuse her. So when I asked if there were wedding bells in the air, she came out with a flat-out, no! She'll live with them, she'll commit herself to them, but she won't marry them. Second example.
I have a family member who's gone through two marriages - and is currently in a third. The husband that is had a massive heart attack last year. When the ambulance came and took him to hospital - I followed it, and whilst in the waiting room area with that family member - she came out with "its all my fault - because I've been nagging him to death." 24 hours later she was in total denial. In all respects, 24 hours earlier - she was a heartbeat away from becoming a widow. People came round to ask how he was and how she was coping, and although she was saying all the right words, there was no emotion in them. Then one of her Christian friends rang up and asked her the same questions, because they'd just heard he'd had a heart attack. Although saying the same words, there was an addition - with all the emotions under the sun. "I can get up everyday, read my bible and pray whenever I want to." Now here's the thing. Her husband has never stopped her from doing any of it. Although not being a Christian himself, he respects her beliefs - and doesn't stop her from doing anything - including endless church work. Well me and the neighbour across the road looked at each other gob-smacked at the conversation she was having with her Christian friend. She was describing two different relationships. One she has with her husband, the other one she has with God. Putting the jigsaw pieces together - because I was there - and so was the rest of the family - through number one marriage and number two, therefore witnessed it. In the first marriage - her husband had affairs. The second one - he beat her up, and the third one - he has suffered with what happened in marriage number one, that carried on in marriage number two - that sprang a leak in marriage number three. Sprang a leak you may ask? He's suffered the backlash of everything that happened in the past (because she can't forget what happened) and it didn't matter how much he thanked her for saving his life after he came out of hospital, nothing has connected (even to this day). There is a total disconnection. She plays the dutiful housewife, she acts out being a dutiful housewife, but there's no connection. I've witnessed it, friends and neighbours have commented on it, and although talking to her about it - and gone through endless counselling because of it over the past decade or so, both Christian and otherwise, up comes a brick wall that nobody can penetrate. The only thing that does connect - is her relationship with God, which brings me to my final example.
Whether it be man or woman in an abusive relationship, when people fall in love with Christ, the love language expressed by some people is everything you'd imagine it to be - minus the physical or sexual contact. Fair enough, in the spiritual realm - its healthy expressing those emotions. But in the natural - its everything but healthy. This in turn goes back to being in an abusive relationship they had in the past, because at last they've found someone that can't hurt them. When they do finally find that relationship (be it man or a woman), the only person they'll truly trust and love - is God. As for the person they fall in love with on planet earth? They may love them to pieces - but there's a disconnection, just in case they get hurt again. They'll give their heart to God, but not to the person they've fallen in love with.
I've read so many blogs here - both from men and women, that although expressing their love for God, can't find it in the natural. One person actually asked the question: what is love? They've found it in the spiritual, but they can't find it in the natural. It goes back to the fact - that for one reason or another - they've been rejected. The only person that doesn't reject them, is Christ.
By the way, you can delete this comment as well if you want to Cheryl, but something tells me there's a hint of truth in there somewhere, and I for one would like your input (deletion or not) on it, because believe it or not - even strong men struggle. I call those emotions that men struggle with, He-motions. |
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| February 09, 2009 |
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Steve, you are right on target. Yes oth men and women abuse. Just to add, if you are in a relationship where you are not married and living together, is that what God wants in your life? I always turn to God's word instead of my heart's desire, so let's go there for the truth...God sayd to be married in a relationship and not living together. Remember the woman at the well also, she had 5 husbands and the one she was living with then was not her husband..Jesus set her free by addressing the sin, and she can move on and out of the situation, she was in bondage and when you are in bondage/sin one has the potential to not hear from God.
Great input bro~
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| February 09, 2009 |
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| Thanks so much for posting this; I wish I knew it BEFORE my first marriage! Hopefully this will help many young women! |
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| February 09, 2009 |
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Amen lady, glad you got out and are safe adn happy now!
God lives by this:
29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith Jehovah, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope in your latter end.
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| February 09, 2009 |
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| In answer to your question Cheryl. In a relationship? Ummm - yes. Living together, definitely no. One reason. It would have to be a might big house for us to do that - as she lives in Canada. As for wedding bells? It would have to be one hell of a woman for me to trot down the isle and say "I do." Let's call it "collateral damage" brought on by other relationships I've had in the past that all ended in failure (one lasting over 13 years) which ended 12 years ago. And by the way, that was before I became a true Christian. My values as far as relationships go - have changed dramatically. In the meantime - I'm single, but attached. |
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| February 28, 2009 |
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Cheryl, I got a lot from this and sent it to a friend of mine who is dealing with an emotional abusive marriage. My late husband used to threaten to kill my cat when he was angry. He put a lock on the hot water heater so I had hot water only when he wanted me to have it. I also dealt with ten dollars a week allowance even though he and I made the same money. He paid for his grandmother who was wealthy to visit every year. I had to take the week off and spend it with them trapseing off to museums and such but didn't get to visit my own grandmother for ten years because he said we couldn't afford it. Both grandmothers were from Ohio. When I split from him, I went to see her just a couple of months before she died. Because of Alzheimer's she didn't know who I was. I have so many regrets for staying in an abusive marriage.He died two years after I visited her. We lived apart but had not divorced. My first husband physically assaulted me and I got out of that marriage right away. I couldn't handle the more open abuse of being struck. I struggled with the stigma of being divorced. Our pastor says that he believes we should not stay in a marriage where someone hits you. I had an old pastor who said that I should and I left the church rather than remain in it and have him hitting me. Love you girlie girl! |
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| March 01, 2009 |
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| I understand that, love ya lady |
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