(The above are some of the passages that I was asked to meditate on or think on throughout my stay, when I received my list of passages I was extremely comforted to find my favorite passage among some of the suggested readings)

God, open my heart to receive the gift of Your love

Day 1 - February 6, 2009

I got lost on the way to L***** House. I was nearly late, I absolutely hate being late or in any sort of frantic rush. On the way there my boss called me which caused me to be distracted so I didn't pay attention to road signs I listened to her hoping that she would finish up and get off the phone. After hanging up I thought I had missed my turn so I turned around and proceeded to head back in the direction I had come from. Looking for the (now) infamous 'woolwich rd' for which it turns out there is more then one... I end up finding what I think to be 'woolwhich rd' and turn onto it. NOT knowing that there are at least at LEAST 6 of these streets between my place of work and L***** house. The woolwhich rd that I had passed ended up NOT being the rd I was looking for. I realized this when I came to a dead end.

So frantically I called my husband. I was completely lost and beginning to doubt as to why I was even headed for this 'L***** House' anyway. After about 20 mins of me trying to describe to him where I was we finally figured out that the woolwhich rd that I wanted was approx 12KM E of where I was. And that when I turned around the first time I hadn't missed my corner and was stupidly close to where I needed to be.

I did arrive at the house, literally 5 mins before the opening service was to start I flew in the door quickly found my room number, ran to my room dumped everything whipped of my coat and flew back to the chapel. Feeling more then a little stupid about the whole getting lost experience I meekly found a seat at the back of the chapel. I felt completely out of my element totally lost AND completely alone. Still wondering why I was there to begin with.

I was thankful when the service began and that there were some simple hymns included. At least I could sing. Singing is and always has been an expression of faith for me. The singing of the opening hymn helped some. Although I couldn't allow my self to relax at all enough during the service to sit back fully and truly partake, still wondering what I had just gotten my self into. I did however take time looking around me and taking in the simple chapel around me with awe.

My mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts, doubts and confusions as a result from the events leading up to my stay at this wonderful place. Truly that night I was lost.

The opening prayer allowed me to receive some comfort that night I share it now hoping that someone will receive the same kind of comfort that I was able to take away from those words.

"Loving God, You invite me to follow You and You give me the courage to do so. Help me to trust You, and to walk with You. Light my path, and help me to see the many ways that You are present in my life. Fill me with gratitude for the power of Your love sitting within me. Help me to sat with my whole heart, "I receive You great love with deep gratitude." Amen."

The service was prayer full. I was grateful for the atmosphere that the prayer and hymns created.

After the service there were announcements, and welcoming us to the house (actually in my haze I this could have actually happened before the service I am not quite sure...). We were introduced to the staff, and then one by one went around the semi circle of chairs in the chapel and introduced our self's. Who we were and where we were from. Something I never expected we would do, seeing as this was a silent weekend why would we need to know names, however it brought a comfort to me to hear who these people were and where they were from. It also promoted more of a sense of community a bringing together... we were all here for the same reason, silence, prayer and reflection.

When the service and announcements were over we were asked to go into the great room to meet our Spiritual Director for the weekend. Still feeling completely out of my element and very much lost, thoughts of self doubt speaking louder to me by the moment, I followed the crowd to the great room to meet my director. (My director was an amazing woman and has truly helped me this weekend, I am thankful for the things she has helped me see in a new light.)

I was introduced to the house that night by my director. When we had finished the tour and set a time to meet the next day I was free to do as I pleased for the rest of the night. I retreated to my room, closed the door and sat down on my bed hopelessly. Wondering, how was I going to ever work through everything I needed to work through in only one weekend, and really... one day?

Exhausted I opened the note book I had brought with me to jot a prayer.

"I find it soothing to see that one of my passages for prayer and reflection is none other then one of my favorite ones. Isaiah 43:1-3.

God you are with me here and you chose to show me through this passage. Help me organize my thoughts this weekend... Lord I need you. And now that I know you are here... please do not forsake me."

(It looks like so much more written on paper!)

With that I simply laid down on the bed, clutching the bear I had brought with me to my chest and feel asleep.

I awoke sometime later somewhat confused as to where I was and why I was still fully clothed. Groggily I dug through my bags and put what little I had brought with me away. Figuring I might as well after all I was here there was no point in pretending I wasn't. Finding my night cloths I changed into them, and slipped under the covers to fall asleep again. To say it was a peaceful nights rest would be a complete and utter lie, however I do not remember the last time I slept fully through the night.

Around 1am I arose, needing to use the bathroom I went to find it, returning to my room I was restless and found my self pacing the floor, too tired to read from my bible and too restless to sleep. I was thirsty and wanted a drink. The tap water from the sink in my room was not doing the trick, it tasted warm and stale. I ventured out of my room quietly down the hall and down the stairs finding my way to the Kitchen area where I got a drink.

Too say I was restless would be an understatement. I was lost. I was hurting. I was scared. I was questioning not only my self but God for brining me to that place.

Turning on the fireplace I sat in-front of it staring aimlessly into the black space in-front of me letting the warmth of fireplace warm my back as I sat on the hearth.

Sometime after 2am I made my way back to my room to sleep for the remainder of the night..