To read day 1 please read here first.

Be still and know that I am God

Day 2 - Feb 7/09 - Part 1

I awoke in the morning feeling groggy and sore from a fitful nights sleep in a bed not my own and a place not my home. Debating against making an appearance in the dining hall for breakfast I gathered my things and went to the showers hoping a warm shower would help ease my thoughts and wake me up.

I decided against skipping breakfast (something I usually do) thinking I might need the nourishment to compensate for the lack of restful sleep.

(Remember I am on a silent retreat so each person I see in the halls as I make my way to the dining hall is quiet. There are no greetings and little smiles of acknowledgment, most of us lost in our own thoughts to notice what or who is around us.)

Walking into the dining hall I am greeted with a eerie absence of voice as people eat their breakfast. The noise of cutlery and dishes rattling around us is almost deafening in contrast to the rest of the quiet house. There is something to be said about sharing a meal with someone it total silence and absence of morning/afternoon/evening greetings.

By this time I am beginning to accept the silence for what it is and I am grateful for the fact I can sit down at any place and not have to worry about breaking up conversation or being the odd one out. I begin to accept the silence as comfort and become grateful for the lack of sound to disturb my troubled and uneasy thoughts. I feel uneasy and unsure of where to go after breakfast or what to do with my self as I have time to spare before my first meeting with my director.

I decide that its wise to retreat back to my room to read a little and try to centre my self with some prayer.

"Lord, give me strength today, and everyday that follows...

Lord help me see what to do with Daddy. A man who the small child within me loves so much. How do I help her see that the man she loves, the Daddy she adores... is gone?

But how do I know he is gone? what if she is right for holding onto that love all these years? What if I'm the one who is wrong? How do I know if I even stand on solid ground here?

I heard you whisper in answer to my question just now. You don't...

Lord please help me. Do not leave me.

I have not left you

Then why? Please... Why have I been placed in this situation? Why... so many questions Lord, so many unanswered questions. Which have led me here to this place. Where for today, no one can talk to me and I am not obligated to talk to anyone else but you. Its just you and me today... Lord please.

I am right here.

me too... "

Mentally exhausted and with some time to kill before my meeting with my director I dozed on and off for an hour.

Some notes and thoughts I jotted before meeting with my director for the first time. I am unsure if this was intended for the Lord for my father... or both.

"Why did you put me in this situation? I don't know what to call you anymore... Dad, Daddy? Your Christian name? What do I call you now?

You dumb idiot. Look at what we have become! Is this what you wanted? Is this what you want? Did you ever want me?

Why did you ask me to stop calling you daddy that day? Why did you take that away from me? what did I ever do to you to deserve that? I couldn't have done much of anything, I was only four. What can a four year old do that is so bad that they loose the right to call their Dad "Dad"?

Daddy... love you. I want to anyway... I want the relationship with you that I should have, the one you took away..."

I left to meet with Anna for the first time. Left my room and made my way down to the directors offices. Made my way to begin the most powerful Day and a half that I have experienced in quite sometime.

(I never would have thought it would end the way it has, however it has and I am truly grateful Lord)

Walking into her office I should have known this question was coming, and that the explanations would have to happen however I was still caught off guard by them.

"Welcome Jade, how are you this morning"
"I am well thank you"
"Did you sleep well?"
"No, but I rarely do"
"Oh... well did you make use of some of the facilities while you were awake then"
Remembering my time by the fire place I smile quietly
"Oh yes... I did"
"Well thats good to hear then. Now, what brings you here this weekend?"
Oh boy... the question of all questions. Can't I just be left to my self? I'm here because I want to be alone and pray? No, thats not the answer well it is but its not the whole answer.
"I'm here to sort through some personal issues"
"Oh, what kind of personal issues?"
Darn have to go deeper eh?
"Family matters"
"Oh, those are difficult, and what kind of family matters are you trying to sort out Jade?"
*sigh* The truth shall be revealed then.
"My father, and his abuse and how to deal with it and move forward. I need to make decisions and decide on where to go from here."
There I said it. Its out in the open, no more trying to hide it like a festering wound.

The conversation moves forward from there. Me trying in what limited words I have to explain to her the difficulties of my decision and how it is affecting me because of my deep love for my grandparents and the fact that my father is somehow tied up with them. Cutting him off could mean loosing them and I don't think I am able to loose them over this.

The conversation turns to Scripture and the suggested readings we were given the night before and if I have read through any of them yet. I am happy for the turn of conversation, talking of my father is emotional and crying in front of this lady (in front of anyone) is not something I would like to do. I tell her how pleased I was to see my favorite verse as a part of the reading selection (Isaiah 43:2) and how it gave me some needed courage and encouragement the night before in a time of my questioning why I was even there. I express my thoughts on the ironies that both my most strengthening verse along with the one I have the most difficulty over both on the list of suggested readings.

Because of my fondness for Isaiah 43:2 I am asked to reflect on another verse that Anna thinks might offer me some of the same comfort and strength that Isaiah offers.

(She was right by the way this is also a powerful verse for me, one that I had forgotten about until then)

This leads us to talk of prayer and some different ways to pray. I am distressed over the situation with my father and how out of hand it has gotten, so much so that I have lost sight of a few things it seems. Unable to make any definitive decision or move forward in anyway I am stuck. There is no other way for me to describe it to her.

"When you pray today ask the Lord to help you step back from this. Sometimes, we need to step back in order to step forward."

I am left with the offer to come back later in the day for another meeting if I feel I need it or to leave it where its at and return at the same time the next day. I did not make the decision immediately however I did choose to go back later that day....

(Truly Lord you must have known .... again I am thankful)

Returning to my room from my meeting with Anna I am greeting by my previous note before I left...

"...Daddy... love you. I want to anyway... I want the relationship with you that I should have, the one you took away..."

I am over taken by emotion and for a short while can do nothing but look at the words on the page and shake... Letting a few miserable tears escape from the corners of my eyes.

My prayer was short but simple after my meeting with Anna.

"Lord help me step back in this day to see where (or if) I can resolve this broken relationship. I need you guidance Lord... as always I need you near. Help me step back in this please"

My meeting with Ana spurred several things within me. After my prayer and some reflective readings I began a letter...