Sometimes there are just no words to express the extreme heartbreak we feel as we desperately miss our children who are now in heaven.  I have moments of joyous memories, moments of laughter, moments of tears, moments of loneliness, and moments of pure inconsolable grief.  I lost my son, Tyler, this last June and I just wanted to share...

I thank God that I had him in my life for 16 years because he taught me so much about myself that I never knew because before him, no one ever told me.  Raising my children has been the most important thing I have every done and he taught me through his confirmation that I am a loving and compassionate mother who gives, loves, cares and makes the most of teachable moments.  Hearing him talk about me made me confident and sure of myself as a parent. 

Not having a healthy childhood myself, I feared failure as a parent.  I worked hard to be a good listener because I was never listened to.  I worked hard to be patient because I learned that if someone would just be patient with me, I could accomplish much!  I worked hard to find teachable moments to share life lessons with my children on compassion, loving one another, being generous and staying true to your faith.  Ty knew that I would always try to do what was "right" and I had a low tolerance for lies, stealing, and people who chose drugs and alcohol over thier children, because I knew what that felt like.  I felt the sting of abuse as a child, and I told my children, if they knew of a child in need, to do what was right and tell someone, anyone, so that the child would have a chance. 

Tyler brought many children into our lives.  Children who needed love and guidance, children who needed food or clothes, children who needed a home for a while.  We have permanent custody of one of those children, his name is Dennis, and he has taught me as well.  He also taught our boys that not all children have thier stable and secure, two parent home.  He has been amazing for us!

We rarely go through the fostering process with these kids.  When you get the state involved, sometimes parents get ugly or they just move away and you never find out what happened to these bright children with potential.  We have learned that if we allow the kids a safe haven of sorts in our home, we don't threaten the parents and we know the kids are fed and getting to school.  Over the holidays, we had five extra and it was wonderful!  While Ty was with us, he brought us Dennis and Markavia, Jenn and James, and Corey who have each helped us grow as parents in a different way. We have five others who regularly stop by and take their vitamins and eat a hot meal and camp out with our boys.  We wouldn't have it any other way!

I didn't always know these lessons that I tried to impart on my boys by birth and my boys by choice were heard, but at Tyler's funeral, when I heard his friends and classmates tell stories about him giving them his lunch money, because we had a house full of food, him helping students who were teased and bullied, and him showing leadership and creating an atmosphere of acceptance for all of his classmates, regardless of race and economic status, I knew he listened, I knew he heard, and I had confirmation to lay my fears of failing as a parent at rest. 

God bless my son in heaven a thousand times for the lessons he taught me and to the boys who are in my life now, Jake and Dennis and all of the boys who keep me at the top of my game by coming in an out of my life.  But especially to Ty, who was a huge influence in who I am today and I am so blessed that I had him in my life!