I was reading a copy of The Lutheran Digest that I picked up at my Aunt Katie's funeral, and chuckled at these "Things you never hear in church."

• Hey! It's MY turn to sit in the front pew!
• I was so enthralled, I never noticed that your sermon went 25 minutes longer than usual.
• Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
• I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
• Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!
• Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.