So I've been having a lot of lingering issues from a head injury I had at work almost a year ago -- a lot of headaches and fatigue, primarily.  The worker's comp insurance company sent me for an MRI yesterday, which we'd been waiting on for a few months now.  The remainder of the day after the MRI was spent with a nasty headache and feeling as though I was gonna hurl, always pleasant feelings when having to try and work. :)

Before heading down to the MRI, I was doing some cleanup and re-organization of the Jesus Freaks group page we have over on MySpace, and I added the video of Matthew West's "The Motions", and the song had been stuck in my head pretty much the whole day.  I was walking through my work areas (yeah, they had me go to work still afterwards) singing "I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day...without your all-consuming passion inside of me..."...

And then, for some reason or another that I can only reconcile as one of those "God moments", the thought entered my mind "What if the MRI shows that you have something catastrophic like a brain tumor or something?"

Voice silenced.

Feet stopped walking.

Then...

....joy.

What?  It didn't make any sense to me either...why was I feeling joyous at the thought of having something seriously wrong in my head like a brain tumor?  Before I could even ask Him, He told me why:

"Because then you'd stop all the excuses that are keeping you from doing what I want you to do."

I've been struggling with a decision in recent months as to whether I should accept a position at a non-profit ministry or stay at my current place of employment.  With the economy being what it is, the obvious question comes up about finances, and I don't want to add any extra pressure to my wife in that arena either, hence the hesitation.  But I'd been singing "I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day without your all-consuming passion inside of me" all day long, and then out of the blue, that comes out.

I didn't use the words "terrifying" and "wonderful" to describe the moment because the thought of having a brain tumor is terrifying...how could I, especially in the context God gave it?  It would be liberating, rather than limiting!  I used the word "terrifying" because the only fear I have as a man today is putting more and more pressure on my wife to take care of things.

Since the incident at work, I've been somewhat a different person.  I shouldn't say different, that gives the wrong impression, like I went from mild-mannered Clark Kent into violent psycho Green Goblin or something.  I guess a better way to say it would be that it took who I was -- who I am -- and pressed the "Mute" button, not so much vocally, but in action and ability.  The increased (and at times, still increasing) fatigue that comes from having quite literally an almost year-long headache does a number on trying to put energy into things, and I already feel terrible about the extra burden my wife has had to carry through this time -- a point the enemy has had quite a bit of fun leaning on, amplifying and overall beating me over the head with.

I know what my purpose is here on earth...I've known since relatively soon after the Lord got a hold of me.  Figuring out how to execute that purpose now is what's causing the rub: on one hand, wanting to be a good husband and provider, being an easer of burdens rather than increaser of them, and on the other hand, wanting to be faithful to what seems to be a call the Lord is placing in front of me.  Now I've been around the block long enough to know that the Lord will *NEVER* make me choose between following Him in a "ministry opportunity" and doing what He has instructed me as a husband to do in my marriage, since He will never contradict Himself.

It just seems like the first option is the "Sounds perfectly reasonable and no one would blame you for it" option, and the second is the "DANGER: FAITH REQUIRED!!" one, and ever since coming to Christ He has put a spirit of "Go for it!" in me that I really despise not utilizing right now.

Thoughts, anyone?