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As we wait patiently on what God's will is in our lives, what is there to do with our time? Growing up, I am always questioning my abilities and gifts, where to use it at and with whom should I share it with. Honestly, the path were never clear for me to see and follow. I only assume, looking back, it was all because I didn't listen very closely and carefully.
Just when I believed to have been alone, He stood by and held me. Even though I have doubted His love and never felt His hands on me. I never felt Him carrying me on the days I have fallen. Like I have mentioned in my last entry, I don't feel close with God at the moment but I continue in hoping one day we will connect once again.
Every morning I tried to remember to be thankful the moment I recollect myself from thinking of sleeping in some more. For a while, I was always awake in a good mood and getting on about with my days. But then suddenly the last week has been really stressful. All the boys were sick and I was overwhelmed with loneliness. I kept seeking out to God for comfort but still felt empty.
Therefore I became angry and hurt. But it didn't presist into something worse than it had begun with. I am thankful God allowed me the time to vent and become angry and then answered my prayer of cries. I have been crying out to Him and asking Him to pick me up constantly.
I am working pretty slowly at tearing down the walls between God and myself. It isn't easy, words aren't like jackhammer and patiences are not like sheild where I can stand behind while I watch the walls fall down to the ground level.
Everyday I have set up an extra plate on the table, waiting for Jesus to join my family at suppertime and it always remain to be empty. But I wouldn't give up and be sad. I know that God is with us. It just doesn't feel like He is.
For I am conscious of my thoughts about you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you hope at the end. Jeremiah 29:11
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