While my relationship is still not perfect with God, it seems that I am not grasping the reality of my life here. After the birth of my third child, I was feeling okay. But lately, I am down on my knees feeling hopeless and hurt. I am constantly  battling the failing non-exist war that gets me nowhere.
I am finding myself losing connection in everything. I am slowly letting God go and feeling lost in my relationship with my fiance... I am looking outside in, wondering where I stand in this world. Where do I belong? I am always falling back in this place where I find myself a complete stranger in my own body. I wake up wondering what to do and why I was breathing the unwanted air.
To introduce myself some more, I grew up battling depression. So, this may be just part of it or maybe it's something new though all this are familiar with what I have always had to deal with. I have had history of attempt suicide where God had mercy on my soul and saved me instead of watching me die.
I knew then that He had a plan for me. But I am always so impatient with what He's doing in my life. A lot of times I take things in my own hands. Nowadays it is so easy because He and I barely even speak to each other. With that invisible wall in between us, I am always failing in trying to control my own destiny.
As we all Christians know, taking your life in your own control is never the good idea. I once heard this quote; "Let go and let God." As much as I am trying to put my life in His hands, I am very comfortable with this familiar place that I cannot find a new door to step through.
And because I am so familiar with this darkness I lived in for so long, sometimes I felt that stepping out of this life was the easy answer. But I never have the courage or guts to move on and commit suicide. There are many reasons I couldn't face that idea... though that never stopped the thoughts from running into that idea. I sure don't want to suffer and get my soul damned to hell just because I commit murder. And I don't really want to lose my breath, dying.
So, that is on the safe side.
I am sorry if this is alarming blog because of the suicide talk but it is just that, talk. And yes, the thoughts that constantly run through my mind is not a healthy way to live. I dread the idea having to get on medication to stabilize my mental craziness.
Usually writing makes me feel better. It takes my mind off of this struggle for a moment. Writing is my best escape from reality. Though I miss having someone I can talk to and some kind of counselor to express my feelings and life...
Though that we recently moved to Springdale Arkansas as of last year, things are beginning to look up as far as my family and finding friends. But it is hard getting out and going anywhere. Being lonely makes it harder to handle.
My fiance and I have been getting into a lot of argument lately about this issue. He tend to mention of others who are handling it just well and still last in relationship with hardship in their lives.
And I grew tired of being compared to others. We are all unique. Never compare anyone with someone. Compare one to oneself.
Joshua [my fiacne] is now in the process of losing his job. As much as I'd worry about it, I am too busy in my own despair. It would have gotten worse if he had lost his job. Right now, there is nothing we could do about it but pray for the best.
If I knew enough Christian friends, I would have asked them to pray for my family. My middle child have been coughing for two weeks. Joshua got sick for a week, missing work. And now that his job is on the line... And my emotions and mental are not that great to begin with... things sure are looking gloomy.  But I do know our future will not be in danger because God does have a plan.....