***Please do not comment unless you take the time to read this blog in its entirety.I know it is long.
On March 11th I discovered to our very pleasant surprise that I was pregnant.Oh my, such exciting news.I called my doctor’s office immediately to change all my prescriptions for Lyme so that I would not be taking anything that could hurt the baby.My husband and I were not trying to get pregnant.We were thrilled and kind of in shock with the news. We had experienced two miscarriages (Dec 2004 and June 2005) previous to this pregnancy and I was cautious about telling anyone as that my first miscarriage was at 11 weeks, 6 days.We shared our joy with a few friends and even fewer family members. I had not been diagnosed or treated for the hypothyroidism, adrenal fatigue or Lyme disease previous to the miscarriages.My hope was high for this pregnancy because my thyroid and adrenal hormone levels were right where they needed to be and my health was so much better. At my first ultrasound we found out it was a twin pregnancy, but one of the twins was not developing.It was bittersweet.To lose a baby, yet to see the other baby and his heart beating gave me hope for the future.I saw a physician’s assistant, Linda, after the ultrasound appointment.She told me about the twin pregnancy and mentioned the heartbeat for the other baby was on the low side and that he was small for the weeks I was pregnant.She told me she did not want to give me a lot of hope for the pregnancy to continue full term.At that point I let her know that I knew my conception date and we based the gestation off of that date.Linda was more positive after that because it changed my due date by almost a week and put the size a bit more inline with the weeks of gestation. Keith and I decided to hope for the best, pray, and believe God for the life of our child.I went in for another ultrasound a week later.The baby was still fine, heart beating, though more slowly than they would like.The baby had also grown, but was still on the small side.Linda gave me the same speech about not having a lot of hope for the pregnancy.I left determined to believe God for the best. We went to my sister-in-law’s for Easter dinner.The only one in the family that knew we were expecting was my dear mother-in-law.I sat at the table with my husband’s family with my secret tucked safely under my heart.My brother-in-law’s brother was there.He is forty-five, has never been married, never really wants to be married, and has never wanted children.He had brought his girlfriend of a few months, a 39 year old woman with five children ages 14 to 21 from a previous marriage who had been using the birth control shot to prevent pregnancy.They are expecting a baby in October.As I listened to my brother-in-law talk about that pregnancy I realized that the family was not rejoicing in the pregnancy, but was very concerned for the baby because of the father’s previous life choices.I thought to myself, “When we can finally tell them, they will be able to rejoice with us.”No condemnation for the couple, I have lived a life of sin before coming to Christ.It was just a nice to know that my sister-in-law and brother-in-law could celebrate our joy with us. On Tuesday, April 14, Keith and I went to the doctor’s office for another ultrasound.I was able to “read” it while the technician was doing it.It was obvious to me that my baby no longer had a heart beat and actually appeared smaller and less developed than the week before.My husband and I waited to see Linda after the ultrasound, but I knew, I knew what she was going to tell us.Linda was very kind and told us the baby had died and that I should begin to physically miscarry within the next two weeks.I held it together while sitting on the exam table in the room.As soon as she was done with what she needed to say to do her job efficiently I was out of there.I could not get out of the office fast enough.As I strode past the check out window I could hear the lady at the desk asking if we were all set.Keith told her we were.We got outside and Keith said, “I’ll drive.” “Yeah, that’ll be good.There is no way I can drive right now.” I got in the car and started to cry.I was reeling from the realization of the loss.I felt numb.I spent the next couple of days praying that God would let the actual miscarriage start sooner rather than later because I did not want the dread of waiting for the physical process to start to drag out over two weeks.I barely functioned.It was all I could do to get up and get dressed in the morning.I only did get dressed if I had to teach.My eating was horrible.I was not paying attention to what I was eating and would eat in an attempt not to feel the overwhelming anguish over losing the baby.I did as little as possible outside my home, canceling as many things as I could.I chose not attend church on Sunday.I just could not face so many people, who did not even know I was pregnant, asking me how I was.I was horrible and did not want to be sharing that with a large number of people.Late in the day I started to feel some low cramping and realized that the physical miscarriage was beginning.By Sunday night I began to discharge the life that had been in my womb. During those days in between I thought of the couple at Easter dinner.I thought, “Why, why, God, can they have a healthy baby and my baby is gone?They didn’t want a child.He has never wanted a child.She was on birth control to prevent pregnancy.Why can they have a healthy child?They are so uncommitted to each other they don’t even live together (I don’t agree with shacking up—it is just that even in the world that is more commitment than what this couple has).Here are Keith and I, followers of You.Raising the children we do have in the fear and admonition of the Lord, which we would have continued with this child and our child is dead.How is that fair?How do You call Yourself just if this is the result of serving You?” His answer to me was Psalm 73, the pink are my comments: A psalm of Asaph.
1Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
(Ah, here was my major issue) when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]
(So they can have babies)
5 They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity [b] ; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. [c]
11 They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?"
12 This is what the wicked are like— always carefree, they increase in wealth.
13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. (I have served You as best I can and this is how I feel)
14 All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning.
15 If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
(Here is where God answers my question about His Justice) then I understood their final destiny.
18 Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! (Their eternity is one that, unless they make some major changes, will be more painful than anything I can imagine.As I read this I also realized that they may have the pain of having actually led their child to hell.Can you imagine the anguish of those who have taught their children to disdain the Creator, only to find that they have led their children to eternal damnation?I pray for the couple I was envying—they truly have nothing worth envying.)
20 As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies.
21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
(Yup, your basic bonehead) I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.(It is good for me to be near God.)
Am I done grieving because He gave me this word?Absolutely not.My heart still breaks over the loss.He has led me to reread The Shack. I am even more strongly relating to Mack this time through.If you have not read it yet all I can say is you MUST.I have such lonely moments, when I feel as if He has forsaken me, yet I know that is not true.This song has helped me remember I am “Never Alone”.
"Never Alone"
Barlow Girls
I waited for you today But you didn't show No no no I needed You today So where did You go? You told me to call Said You'd be there And though I haven't seen You Are You still there?
[Chorus:] I cried out with no reply And I can't feel You by my side So I'll hold tight to what I know You're here and I"m never alone
And though I cannot see You And I can't explain why Such a deep, deep reassurance You've placed in my life
We cannot separate 'Cause You're part of me And though You're invisible I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
We cannot separate You're part of me And though You're invisible I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
I saw this first on one of Voice’s blogs a couple of years ago.It spoke to my heart as deeply then as it does now as I mourn.
Held ------Natalie Grant
Two months is too little They let him go They had no sudden healing To think that providence Would take a child from his mother While she prays, is appalling Who told us we'd be rescued What has changed and Why should we be saved from nightmares We're asking why this happens to us Who have died to live, it's unfair
[Chorus] This is what it means to be held How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held
This hand is bitterness We want to taste it and Let the hatred numb our sorrows The wise hand opens slowly To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
[Chorus] This is what it means to be held How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering If this is only the beginning Can we not wait, for one hour Watching for our savior This is what it means to be held How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held We'd be held
This is what it is to be loved and to know That the promise was when everything fell We'd be held
This is what it means to be held
As I grieve and heal, I would like to say to each of you that when someone in your life goes through this experience, a miscarriage, please remember that this is the death of a loved one, just like any other death.How long does it take to fall in love with a child?As long as it takes for a pregnancy test to show a positive result.
You are 100% correct, there is grieving.....although mine was 30 yrs ago, I still remember so vividly.....my heart goes out to you and you're in my prayers.
Been there dear. No I wasn't the one carrying the child, but I felt the anticipation, the excitement, I made life plans, I wondered about the baby's personality, what he/she would look like, what life would be like for a family of 6.....but we lost him/her. I took it harder than Laura, and still do. I understand, somewhat. I'm really sorry Coreena. But God is still just. Trust becomes most important when it's the hardest to do. God bless...
I do know what you are going through, I had one 4 yrs. ago, but God has given me some beautiful children, I also wanted to tell you a story of a good friend of mine and what she went through, to make a long story short, her and her husband have 5 girls, they finally become pregnant with their little boy and you can imagine how happy they were, when one day when she was like 26 weeks pregnant, the baby had passed, there was no heartbeat and she had to go into labor and deliver the baby, him being too big, she took pictures and had a small service for him at church. Again, a year later, the same thing happened to her, she became pregnant again with another boy and exactly at 26 weeks, again he also died, and no one knew what happened. Then again she became pregnant again with another little boy, and finally, the drs. found out that the other two died because she was getting blood clots, and it was stopping the baby from getting his nourishment and they starved to death, so with this baby she had to give herself needles in the stomach to keep the blood thinner, and she finally had her baby boy back in Sept.
Thank you, Mike. There are so many of us who have had this experience. There is comfort in knowing we are not alone. Toni, Thank you for sharing your friend's story. I am so glad they figured out what was killing her precious babies. There is hope that this situation can be redeemed.
Thank you for sharing this....very powerful and beautiful. The songs you chose fit perfectly, your personalized scripture is right on target. Losing a baby or babies is just heartbreaking....and, in our grieving, we often look around and see what appears to be unfairness and inconsistency in the world. We do cry out to God -- asking why - and He is so gentle in pointing us back to the truth. He loves us, He loves our babies, His desire is for life and life abundant. The world is imperfect and unfaithful, but our God is not. Your testimony honors the lives of your little ones.
You are not alone .. thank you for sharing your heart with us Coreena.
73:25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is nothing upon earth that I desire besides thee. 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever.
Toni--just took the time to watch the video. Oh my, how well expressed, "If home's where my heart is than I am out of place...I have never been more homesick than now."
A year after my second child was born I had a miscarriage that was very painful physically and emotionally. I probably was a couple weeks along when it all happened. Nobody could understand why this happened, and I still don't understand it. I just leave it in God's hands and imagine what would it be like having our child here. One thing we know that he or she is in heaven and we will see each other one day. My husband told our children that they have a sibbling in heaven. To them is such a dear matter. They don't let it slip once. When people ask me how many kids I have, they answer "we are 6 but our 'brother' died. His name was Chris!" If you ever watch the movie Horton Hears a Who the elephant reminds my sister and I of my kids. Horton knows there is life in that speck that is resting on that flower. Inside the speck is a town called Whoville, a place full of living littlle creatures who call themselves Whos. They are much the same like you and me with their jobs and their families. Nobody believes Horton that there is such thing living inside that speck but Horton can hear them! And ignorant kangaroo does not believe Horton and instigates everybody against him. Her goal is to destroy the speck! His belief is that a person is a person no matter how small! Just because she could not hear them did not mean they were not real. At the end of the movie it is her own son that makes her see that Horton is right! The entire community is able to hear the small Whos yelling "We are here, we are here, we are here!" There are many babies that can't speak like that at all and have their voices heard. Yet they are many people destroying them everyday worldwide. They are worst than the Kangaroo in the movie. God made each life and no one has the right to take it away. "A person is a person no matter how small"! My kids know it well. They always remember their sibbling and cry because they can't play with him or her. A miscarriage is totally different than an abortion but to the family is just the same great loss! I wrote this hear to remind each other to keep fighting for those babies and mothers who don't need to go through the abortion process. Let our voices compliment the babies and the lack of knowledge or love of some mothers. The babies are there and they are alive! They want a chance at life. And to those of us who can't control events like miscarriages let us rest in the fact that the God who gives also takes away and everything that he does has a divine purpose with and for Him!
Wow Coreena, I throughly read this blog, actually tonight was the second time. I would love to comment but words still fail me! So for now I will lift you and your family up in prayer.
Thank you Coreena for sharing this...so much emotion...so difficult to find the right words... As you know, Ann and I went through a similar situation three times...and the third time was much like yours...we had given up trying to have another and then found out she was pregnant. Even today, many years later, I miss them. We named them all, so we still pray for them at times. We know that even though they only lived a short while inside the womb, they were still very much a life given by God with a purpose divinely ordained.
The only thing I can add that hasn't already been said is that for us, these little ones who were with us for such a short time, have caused us to love more strongly, live more freely, and to look for the joy in each day more desperately. May it also be so with you.
Thank you, voice, for hopping over and taking the time to read. I so appreciate your firendship and compassion.
marcella, thank you so much for your prayers. I am feeling so very broken right now. It is still a moment by moment thing for me. Some moments are good. Some are terrible.
Oh My Friend...the outpouring of love. Having had the honor to be with you for your ultrasounds, praying and believing God with you and Keith and now mourning this loss with you.....words still escape me.
Keep moving...one step at a time.....I have full confidence in Our God....You will come through this even stronger than before. God heals all matters of the heart.
We (B & I) will continue to pray for all of you. We love you so much!!!! ~Robin
Although I have not experienced what you have. As a young child I watched my mother loose, and subsequentially mourn 3 children the same as you are now.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers sister...
In Christ,
~ Jade
Almighty God, Father of all mercies and giver of all comfort: Deal graciously, we pray thee, with those who mourn, that casting every care on thee, they may know the consolation of thy love, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
coreena i just wanted to say your story really touched my heart i am only 15 going to be 16 in june and when i heard your story it made me cry and i wanted to let you know i will always remeber this story you will always be in my prayers
sweetie, may our Lord bless you immensely for sharing this. thank you so very much.... have you ever heard the song "Beauty from Pain" by Superchick? that song bubbled out from me as I read your post. I strongly believe you must be undoubtedly an awe-striking, beautiful woman!
First of all I need to ask your forgiveness. I read the top portion of this blog, cried and could not comment myself as my miscarriage wasn't but a year previous from yours. But I couldn't bring myself to read the verses that gave you some sense of peace until today. You are an invaluable friend, you gave me valuable information at that perfect time in my life and you have a special place in my heart. Please forgive me for my tardiness.
My own pain of a miscarriage was still so fresh, even though it had been a year and your situation was just like mine in that my step daughter became pregnant shortly after I lost my baby. I was angry, how can he give such a blessing to a baby who isn't ready for a family or even getting out of high school, and God forgive me, but at the time I thought and judged that she and her now husband just wanted to play house. Sadly she lost hers too, around the same month term that I carried mine. Then my heart broke for her. She also lost another one about 6 months later. I still pray for her.
You don't know this but I have been praying for you in this situation, as I have for your lyme condition. I just haven't been able to write till I was reminded by your sweet face on FB and here that I needed to write.
The following is a letter that Lara Leger sent me after I lost mine. I hope you find as much comfort in it as I did. I will be copywright infringing it to all those who have lost a child, as it is powerful. Almost as powerful as the versus you found. I put your name in it, instead of mine. I hope you find more comfort in Lara's words.
My Most Precious Child Coreena,
How I know the pain of losing a child (John 19:30). I want you to know that I have bottled EVERY tear you've cried (Psalms 56:8). I haven't forgotten you, nor ever could (Is 49:15-16) for your name is carved upon My hand. Rest in my arms (Matt 11:28), for I will heal your broken heart and I bind up your wounds (Ps 147:3). I will give you beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning & the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness (Is 61:3). I will turn your mourning into dancing (Ps 30:11) and your darkness into light (Ps 18:28). You will be so radiant and you will have no shame as you look to Me (Ps 34:5). My Word has made you clean (John 13:3) You will have troubles in this world (John 16:33), but know that I AM always with you! (Heb 13:5)
Oh, Becky, thank you so much! I am weeping. Thank you for including the letter from Lara. My heart has been aching the last few days. I have been just so sad. Your comment is right on time for what I need right now. Thank you, my beautiful sister, thank you.
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